That statement was a generalization...my apologies to the men on this board who work so hard to understand their emotions and work on their marriages...your wives are indeed fortunate.
My H was never good at expressing his needs ( even when he was the higher desire spouse). As a result, I never really focused on his struggle or his pain---I was too focused on my own. Between his silence and my self-absorption, we wasted years and years of potential closeness. If my H were more direct and expressive, would the situation have been different? Would have I been able to "hear" and respond? I'll never know.
But...I am not looking back. Sometimes you get second chances in life and slowly we are making our way back to each other. We are overcoming our communication and personality issues with heavy doses of respect, commitment and effort, and I hope we can stay on course.
Sorry if my playing the "generalization cop" made you (or anyone) feel uncomfortable.
The more a person posts here, the more they reveal how they think. I've gotten some great benefits from others who have done the same thing to me. Trust me...nobody on this site will change their spouse (or the nature of their relationship) while remaining the same person they are right now. Cat, you are fairly new here and I can understand how you might be a bit timid but you will quickly learn that 99% of the responses you get are compassionate...even the ones that sting a little.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Both my husband and I had been married and divorced with two children each before we met and married in our early thirties with the understanding that divorce was not an option. We thought we had much in common- religion, 12 step programs, kids and crazy ex's. We had similar goals, house, kids, family first. We thought we both liked sex a whole lot. When we were first married, I thought it would always be like that...sex in the mornings, before bed and sometimes he came from work. Happy, happy me! It seemed like it didn't take long for him to start to be tired more and more often. I began to notice that it was always me inititating sex, and more and more it seemed like he was just going along with it. It felt like he was performing a household chore. It stopped being love-making and changed to sex. He seemed to be going through the motions, looking for the magic formula to quickly and without much emotional interaction satisfy me sexually.
Within a couple of years, with each big fight, he would withold sex for days, weeks, not talk to me. I would be frustrated and eventually got tired of rejection. I would decide to be nice and friendly but not approach him, and wait...and wait and wait ( building resentment, hurt and becoming very cranky). I remember crying quietly to sleep many, many nights.
He always had reasons not to have sex that seemed to be the reasons I wanted to have sex, he was stressed, he was tired, he was sick, he was angry. He was always jealous and suspicious that I would find someone else, and to me it seemed he was trying to set that up by witholding so often. I think I became incredible depressed, felt trapped with a nearly sexless ( to me) marriage, gave myself all kinds of stress related problems that led to even more distance.
I know I tried talking it out. Sharing my feelings, my needs and always felt like there was something wrong or freakish about me and my high drive. I certainly did not feel loved or valued. It often felt that I was stuck with the roommate from hell.
Eventually, the fights, his smoking led to him not being able to physically have any sort of sex. At first sympathetic but eventually very very angry and bitter about him robbing me of MY sex life. Neither of us respected the other persons position. He felt pressured, castrated and belittled by me. I felt punished, hurt, rejected, and I cannot explain the anguish.
I know some say don't take it so personally, but it was personal. There wasn't anyone else there but me.
Eventually, we discovered Viagra, and when the marriage part was good, the sex was great. When we separated over his jealousy the first time and we remained lovers, the makeup sex following fights was still great.
But as a woman, I felt so "damn unpretty". My heart would just physically hurt. I saw him as punishing me for something...who knew what. I think we all grow up thinking men always want sex and it is women who don't. I felt so isolated. I was too embarrassed to tell people that my own husband couldn't stand to touch me. I felt the need to protect him as well. I would scream horrible things when we fought, but I would never have embarrased him by even hinting that we had problems.
Now, we are separated. And even when things are good between us, he would not/has not initiated love making. If I invite him over, and we end up in bed, it is only because I initiate it. I feel like a whore, or something ugly, not loved, not wanted. I feel guilty and ashamed of wanting to have sex. Yes, I would think shame would be the best word to describe my feelings.
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
Michele, One of the things I'd like to see addressed in the new book is how the necessity for an erection changes things. My husband would "just do" practically anything for me--except sex. The pressure to be the one who has to bring the tools, so to speak, would shut him down. He couldn't just show up with a minimal amount of desire and trust that eventually he'd get into it. "It" wasn't going to happen unless he first had a good amount of desire. Further, I think there were many times in which he COULD have gotten turned on by me (say, if I was trying to seduce him) but wouldn't allow himself to try for fear that he would fail. Or he wanted to avoid the feeling that he wasn't "man enough" for me.
Heck, I think the book should be called The LD Husband. LOL
But in all seriousness, I think the reason you seem to be getting so many husband-related responses is because women are (in GENERAL, fellas!) caretakers and nurturers. We want to love our husbands back to us..we are hesitant to ask for what we need...it was TORTURE for me to even bring up the topic in the first place. Perhaps the HD men come from a more "fix the problem" place when they are addressing their sex starved marriages. Drawing a boundary while stroking his ego has been a very delicate balance for me--and not one I've been particularly successful in pulling off. It's only been recently that I've started making more 'you da man' comments to him and he's eating it up! So I know that I have not done enough of this, previously.
I feel we are put in a difficult place as women with lower desire husbands. We have to find a way to ask for what we want and need, and all the while be sensitive to our H's sense of manhood. My H has directly said to me, " Do you know how your pressure affects me as a man?" and all the while I am thinking, well you're the one putting me in this position. It doesn't make me feel particulaly feminine to view myself as a castrating female.
I've heard the manhood comments many times myself. I felt terrible about it and sometimes sabotaged my own progress because of feeling sorry for him. Other times I'd sabotage myself by going for the jugular and purposely saying things to destroy his sense of masculinity. It was very hard to strike the balance.
HP, I think you and I could write the book, LOL ( but then it wouldn't be solution oriented, as we trade anecdotes).
Another thing that gets me is how easily turned on the higher desire men get...we've talked about this before, how an LD wife merely has to step into the room and her HDH is ready and willing. I know that anything remotely direct will have an adverse effect on my H's sexuality. My H will say all the right things when he sees I have made an effort to look attractive, but I know it's not a sensual experience for him, and that fills me with self-doubt.
Quote: One of the things I'd like to see addressed in the new book is how the necessity for an erection changes things.
I'm hoping I won't be the only one to point out the an erection isn't necessary for great sex. I can easily see how that notion would lead to R problems around sex. IMO, it's that way of thinking that gets you into trouble.
