Casting no aspersions on anyone (honestly), but these one-liners from the gentlemen is why I didn't want to respond in great detail on an open forum. I don't mind saying "wow, it hurt" and so on, but sharing my deepest feelings isn't something that, as I mentioned before, I'm ready to have as fodder for discussion at large.
If this offends any of the gentlemen who have posted above I apologize, that wasn't my intent.
My goodness, no I'm not offended. Just stating that while as a generalization your comment may be true, it isn't true in all cases. I've stated before in my thread that I feel like the chick in my relationship, mainly because it is me who pushes for sharing feelings, me who has to play relationship cop etc. I agree that it is more the norm (whatever that means) for the W to be in that role, but not so sure that it is true in a ssm.
Blind, As a chatty guy (which my husband is also) can you address my "how eager" question?
Do you think that you would have a harder time discussing why your wife's sex drive has far outsripped your own? Do you think you would have ease in expressing that you don't desire her the way she does you? Would this make you feel emasculated or would you feel better talking about your feelings, even if they made you feel ashamed?
I'm curious to know if this is a personality difference (talker vs. nontalker) or if it is indeed the subject matter that makes it so hard to open up.
I can only speculate, as those are not my shoes. I've found it difficult to discuss deep feelings regardless of what side of the issue they fall on, especially on subjects that have traditionally been taboo between us. The write, exchange, discuss format WWME teaches makes it quite a bit easier to force the discussion, but even then I often have to force myself not to filter what I present as my feelings. I think if I were the LD, I would still be OK with disclosing this, but likely only after a certain level of trust was reached.
I think it isn't so much subject matter as it is a percieved difference between your internal concept of self and what you try to project externally is. Self confidence plays a big role here: you are naturally more prone to discuss things where you feel confident, and that confidence, I think comes from a closer match between your internal and external self. There is also the issue of trying to not hurt or upset your spouse, which it shouldn't since it is feelings...but until you have built a mutual trust there are things you are just plain scared to disclose. I can't help but to think that perhaps I've unwittingly been critical or judgemental when discussing W's feelings, and doing that can shut that communication down pretty quickly. See, it isn't just communicating your feeling, it is also learning to listen to what your partner is saying without acting on what is being shared. Being a thinker, I tend to analyze (she does too), which can be a big source of trouble.
OK, so I rambled a bit, but hopefully there is a gem in there that you can use.
I see what you're saying but I still think it is hard for you to imagine just what an LD man must feel like, given that your overall virility has already been well established. (6 children after all!!:)
Can you imagine how you'd feel if you never wanted sex? If all the jokes that you've heard your whole life about horny men didn't apply to you? What if your wife was so utterly disappointed in you and your sexuality? What if she said to you, "Other men want me, why don't you?" What if you constantly feared that some virile guy was going to come swooshing in and steal her away?
I'm not saying that LDW's don't feel this..only that with a man who has been conditioned his whole life to think that he should be feeling a certain way (a horny guy who is always after sex, no matter what) and he doesn't, that he would be extremely reluctant to admit that to anyone, including himself.
HP, I'm trying to imagine what would be hardest to disclose as an attempt to feel what it would be like to disclose a lack of desire that questioned my manhood. I really don't think it is particularly an LD issue, but more of a how much do I expose myself by disclosing this feeling. Issues such as this that represent such a potential mismatch between your internal self (which may not even be fully concious) and the self you attempt to portray to others are the most painful to share.
And throw in the Internal Self and the External Self that you portray and the cultural conditioning you have received on what it means to be a Man and you have one reluctant person. You have the Man you are on the Inside, the Man you portray to others and the Man that you have been taught you should be, all fighting each other.
LD women don't really have this, imo. We are brought up to believe that women don't want as much sex as men. That wives routinely turn their husbands down.
So if I as a wife wake up one day and feel that way, I would be mystified and afraid and sad but I would have the support of millions of other women as well as a society that promotes this as "normal".
The fellas would have the derision of millions of other men and a society that would portray them as gay or feminine or whatever else a hetero guy might find nightmarish.
Quote: The fellas would have the derision of millions of other men and a society that would portray them as gay or feminine or whatever else a hetero guy might find nightmarish.
Bless you, Honeypot! See, this is what I've been dealing with for YEARS and didn't even know it until that fateful day.
This is SUCH an important concept.
Leigh
let me edit to add: I've been dealing with this vicariously and that was hard enough. My identity as well as his hinged on this.
