Hi Everyone, Well I'm at it again. I'm writing another book. This time I am going to focus on marriages where the wife is more sexual than the husband. I would love to hear from those women who have experienced this in their marriages. For starters, I would be thrilled if you would just write about what happens (ed) in your marriage around this sexual gap. How did it start? When did you notice it? What sorts of problems does it create in your marriage...in your life? Describe your feelings at length. At a later date, I will want to know something about how you've approached your husband and how he's responded. But not for now. For now, let's just hear about how the problem has unfolded. Once we get into looking at what you've been trying to do to fix things, perhaps we can do a collective brainstorming session and see if together, we can light a fire under your sex-disinterested husbands! So post away, my friends!!! Michele Weiner-Davis
Thank you for addressing the subject of a HDW/LDM specifically. Your SSM book and this board have already been a big help to me; in a world where men are supposed to be ever ready for sex and women objects of desire, I feel less alone and more capable in dealing with this issue. As a woman, I find that sexual rejection goes to the core of my being and I personalize the pain in a way that perhaps a man does not. I hope your new book will open more doors to those struggling in shame and silence.
One advantage I feel I have as a woman is my ability to share and discuss my feelings. Even though the HDW/LDM is more of a hidden dynamic, here on the board I have found a great group of women who understand firsthand the emotions of rejection and we support one another. What's missing from the BB is a similar discussion from LDM-- in the 8 months I have been here, I came across only one man who was willing to talk about his low desire. The embarrassment of being male with a low sex drive coupled with difficulty in expressing feelings makes me wonder how isolated these men must feel. Again, kudos to you for reaching out.
My own story is complicated in that I was the lower deisre partner for many years; when I finally got to a point in my life where I was ready to be sexual again, my H was no longer interested in me. As it turns out, a difference in desire was not really the main problem--it was more about relationship issues such as intimacy, commitment, trust, priorities, etc.
As you get more responses, please let me know if you would like me to share more about my journey.
I will work on this and respond - most of the details are available in my original post but I don't know how to put the link here. I think a book on this subject would be most helpful - there are several women who meet this desciption on this BB and several lively discussions about how it is different to be the HDW as opposed to the HDH.
Would it be possible to set up an email address to collect responses from those who don't wish to go into minute detail in the forum? I've written the basics of my situation in the SSM forum, but I would be more comfortable writing about it at length where it was not open to discussion right now.
One thing I have learned about being the HDW, is that for men who have a problem with being LD (I understand from reading here that some don't) the shame and self-doubt it brings is terrible. I hope that this is addressed in the book, because I think it would help some women understand the pressures being LD puts on men (and why they may not talk about it even if they KNOW it's an issue).
BTW, in the Amazon reviews of SSM there are *many* HDWs who have written reviews praising the book and most of them write about how it was a relief to know there were other HDW/LDH couples out there. I think such a book is a GREAT idea.
Another thought. I have read all of Schnarch's books and have combed them for case study materials on this subject (I read and reread any sections where the wife was the HD partner). I think that any book on this subject should include LOTS of case study material along with the resolutions/improvements and how people got there.
Hi Ladies, Wow, I guess you all decided to respond in this forum even though I posted this request in another forum as well. I think I will delete that post so we can all meet in one place. I can't wait for our discussion to begin. I need to run out for a while, but I will return and soak up your thoughts. Thanks for starting the ball rolling here. I'll be back! Michele
My situation really started making itself known when I took another job that would require me to be away from my H for about 30% of the time. He was dead set against it and it was the cause of many many fights. My job performance suffered as I tried to not travel..or drive or fly there and back in one day, so that I wasn't taking time away from my husband. Eventually I quit the job and we became pregnant.
The SSM was present in full force for a while before I became pregnant but I attributed it to the disagreement over the job. Then I became pregnant and he attributed it to not being attracted to me while pg.
After the pregnancy, there was no more 'reason' why it should be there, but we still were not ML with any frequency. At that time, the rift caused by various issues in our marriage (the job, his obssession with religion) was exacerbated by the stress of being new parents. My H fell in love with the baby and my status as his lover went even further down the list. Eventually we were ML about every 6 weeks. This continued until I became pregnant for the second time and the sex was cut off again. (btw, I would love to see the pregnant sex discussed in the book!) This time, though, I was biding my time until I was not pregnant again...formulating and plotting what I would do. I didn't have a clear plan but I knew that I could not live like that forever. I have always been HD and have been the HD partner in many of my relationships prior to getting married.
I confronted him when my baby was 2 months old. He agreed almost immediately that things had gotten way out of hand but admitted that he didn't know where a wife "fit into things anymore". The first book I read (SSM wasn't out yet) on the subject was Passionate Marriage. I am relieved that it was my first read, as the other books addressing the topic didn't offer me much to go on. And quite frankly I only picked it up because it had the words passionate and marriage on it, with a picture of a couple kissing! lol
We agreed to have sex twice per week and to my husband's credit, he has stuck to that agreement.
Within the next 2 years, we were forced to deal with the other issues that contributed to the lack of sex as we resumed a sex life with each other.
As to how it made me feel, here are a few words:
*Lonely *Isolated (I certainly couldn't talk to my girlfriends about it--they'd wonder what was wrong with me that a MAN didn't want me) *Undesirable *Worthless *I loathed my own body *Insecure *Angry *Obssessive *Hurt, Weepy *Hopeless for the future of my marriage *Like a freak of nature *I wondered about my 'masculinity'..did I have hormone problems that made me more "manly"? *Resentful *Punishing. I wanted to get back at him for rejecting me.
If I think of any more, I will post them!
I want to thank you in advance for writing about this subject. I remember after I read PM, that I found another book called "What to do when your man has a headache". It was basically worthless stuff, indicating that a wife needed to use lingerie etc, in order to entice her man. It depressed me more than anything else!
I'm glad to see that you are writing a book that will address the particular needs of the HDW. I have read most of your books and will keep an eye out for this one, as well.
Hi Michele, I've been pondering picking up your SSM book...
I'd have to say that I'm definatley the more interested of the two of us. My H wants sex very infrequently compared to me. He would be happy with, maybe, twice a month. Me--I want two or three times a week.
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For starters, I would be thrilled if you would just write about what happens (ed) in your marriage around this sexual gap. How did it start?
Sometime after we got married--our third anniversary is in March. I may have just not noticed the difference before we got married, since I was still in college and we were physically apart. It seemed like such a little thing at first...just sort of got bigger.
H's interest seems to be in fits and starts. Once I can get him rolling, the frequency definately goes up. But...that time of the month rolls around, forces a break, and poof, it's all gone again.
To be honest, H seems the most interested every time we've "reconnected." So--when we first started dating. And when we reconciled the first time. And when we reconciled the second time. (The whole reason I came across the site in the first place. )
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What sorts of problems does it create in your marriage...in your life?
Geeze... Well, I feel closer with H when we have sex. When we don't, I start to feel cranky and critical. (I've been fighting these tendencies really hard!) I feel alone. I feel frustrated. And, if it goes long enough, I feel unattractive and unwanted. Unappreciated. Alone. Even though H is giving me plenty of affection in other ways--even plenty of physical touch. Just...no sex. Says he's "just not interested."
Also...wanted to add that if it goes long enough, I start to get rather...preoccupied...lol Can be kind of distracting when I'm trying to work.
