How is intimacy gaged in a relationship? what makes a marital or romantic relationship more intimate than other realtionships? Is it possible to have a good marriage/relationship without there being a sense of intimacy? How can intimacy be created other than simply offering of one's self?
The first impulse may be to say sexual or physical connection but that's not the answer I'm looking for.
In my opinion, true intimacy requires the ability to be vulnerable, sharing of ones self completely. The ability to provide a safe place for your spouse so that they might feel comfortable enough to open up to such degree.
I'm having trouble coming up with a concise definition of intimacy.
For a while I was thinking ... well, intimcy is about laughing together, knowing what the other person feels, and yes, making love...having an ease in all areas of your life when they are around.
But in some ways, that's not it...well, it is and it isn't...there's something about "knowing" the other person that actually can block intimacy...maybe that's only true if the "knowing" is really "ASSuming" and it's somehow based on falsehood.
partly I think intimacy is the ability to truly be oneself in a R and also to accept the other person as their true selves. So...unconditional love maybe?
Is it knowing that you are "home" with the other person?
How does it get fostered? I think it gets fostered by opening up w/o blame...taking in the OP's persona without judgement...taking in their reaction to you w/o judgement...kind of being able to be YOU without feeling that if they can't accept that then they must be wrong...and also having them be THEM w/o feeling like they are wrong if they don't meet your expecations/image.
I guess for me it's easier to think about what blocks intimacy...judgement, dishonesty, personalization, a closed mind, blame.
It feels like an experiment to me sometimes...here's a little piece of me that you haven't seen before...can you handle it? and if you can't...can I handle that?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm not certain that I have an intimate r with my h anymore. Pre bomb I would easily share my fears, frustrations etc with him and well now....I just keep them to myself or talk about them with friends.
Obviosly there's an issue with physical intimacy in my m...I don't feel that I can freely make physical contact with my h sexual or non and well since he doesn't often initiate physical contact with me that part is suffering and of course leads me to look at the rest of the r.
Sure there are some days when I feel a part of h's life..when I feel that "connection" or "comradre" but most often I feel like we're just ships passing in the night.
I don't know what there is that I can do to foster that connection and make it more constant...my suggestions have been shot down (ie the one night a week set asside for us that I requested on his homecoming that has been adimantly denied).
I can so identify with your question. I feel intimacy can be related to all aspects of one's M or R. I also think it's different from one person to another. For me, it's more than just having sex, it's being able to make a fool of yourself and one's partner will somehow still find you attractive and appealing. It's just knowing that no matter what you do, silly or whatever, you know your partner will be amused, proud, still loves you, etc.
I guess it's a weird thing to define.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Quote: For me, it's more than just having sex, it's being able to make a fool of yourself and one's partner will somehow still find you attractive and appealing. It's just knowing that no matter what you do, silly or whatever, you know your partner will be amused, proud, still loves you, etc.
given the previous definitions of intimacy combined with this one it's pretty evident I do NOT have an intimate realtionship with my husband and the really sad thing is I'm begining to not care anymore either way...that is to say I don't care to have one with him anymore.
I'm realizing more and more that I don't think I even like him as a person.
He's not my friend he's not my lover he's pretty much what he set out to be and that's a financial provider.
sad really but I guess that's all he wants to be to me so I'll let him
I see intimacy as being part and parcel with empathy. I don’t think you have to share everything, but you have to be able to share anything you want to. If there’s something that truly humiliates me, for example, I don’t want to even think about it myself, so I wouldn’t share it with someone else – just for the sake of intimacy.
If you think you can say anything, and your partner will empathize with you, you don’t need to bare it all.
When, for whatever reason, empathy is eroded, intimacy is close behind. And if the empathy goes, it gets replaced by fear of rejection. Paranoia sets in, which further erodes intimacy.
Once you’re in a state where you can’t trust each other to empathize with you, it’s hard to get it back. Both people have to work at it. If one of you is afraid of being judged, the other can get the ball rolling by being non-judgemental, and hopefully the other will start feeling safer, but it’s an uphill battle.
And intimacy is in the eye of the beholder. I’m so sorry you don’t feel your H is your friend or your lover. He may feel that he is. He may have a different outlook towards intimacy. But that doesn’t help you to empathize with him, does it?
