Hi! Got a few minutes so I figured I would post an update to the sitch here.
Things are still going. Somedays are better then others. Last night we got into an argument. It was just more of the same. I was very upset because H had made a big deal of me sitting down with him and telling him what my needs were. I took the time to think it out, and I did it. Now, as he isn't trying to meet some of me needs, I get a different reaction. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that he doesn't talk to me about his feelings anymore, about how he feels about us and the situation. He said that if he has an issue, he wil bring it up. Other than that, he is happy. Well, that's all fine and well, but I specifically asked him to talk to me. I told him I needed that reassurance right now. He got very angry and told me that I am asking him to change his personality. I am asking him to speak differently, respond to situations differently, and to become a different person. I was dumbfounded. All I asked for was a few minutes each day for him to open up to me and talk to me about us. He claims he doesn't understand exactly what it is I am asking for, but he will try. (A lot more happened, but it would make this thing a mini-series)
So, now to me things feel the way they used to. H doesn't understand me and doesn't understand what I need. Therefore, no effort will be put forth to change. I once told him the old "nothing changes if nothing changes" line, and he has used it a million times. Now, in regards to this, it eludes him.
LL's are a very difficult sticking point with us as we are two totally different people. I can't get him to understand that the things he does to show me he loves me aren't things that make me feel loved. It is also a very touchy subject because when I try to explain this to him he tells me that he just can't make me happy and I can't accept him the way he is. VERY frustrating!!
So, I am totally in the dumps. I have lost all PMA and I stuck in the negative frame of mind. At this point, I am missing my being seperated life and the "me" time that it provided, I miss going out and having a life, and I hate to say it, I miss my ex-bf now more then ever. I think I have convinced myself that this isn't going to work.
My biggest stuggle, is giving H what I ask of him. It is very hard for me to open myself up and let him back into my heart 100% and share all my feelings with him. When he dropped the bomb, I swore that I would never let anyone have that much control over my life again. The power to destroy me in a matter of a sentence.
I need help. I can see the backsliding but feel like I can't do anything about it. I do want this to work, I want to be happy with my life again. I am just so emotionally and mentally confused and screwed up, I can't make heads or tails of anything anymore.
