Hi! Got a few minutes so I figured I would post an update to the sitch here.
Things are still going. Somedays are better then others. Last night we got into an argument. It was just more of the same. I was very upset because H had made a big deal of me sitting down with him and telling him what my needs were. I took the time to think it out, and I did it. Now, as he isn't trying to meet some of me needs, I get a different reaction. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that he doesn't talk to me about his feelings anymore, about how he feels about us and the situation. He said that if he has an issue, he wil bring it up. Other than that, he is happy. Well, that's all fine and well, but I specifically asked him to talk to me. I told him I needed that reassurance right now. He got very angry and told me that I am asking him to change his personality. I am asking him to speak differently, respond to situations differently, and to become a different person. I was dumbfounded. All I asked for was a few minutes each day for him to open up to me and talk to me about us. He claims he doesn't understand exactly what it is I am asking for, but he will try. (A lot more happened, but it would make this thing a mini-series)
So, now to me things feel the way they used to. H doesn't understand me and doesn't understand what I need. Therefore, no effort will be put forth to change. I once told him the old "nothing changes if nothing changes" line, and he has used it a million times. Now, in regards to this, it eludes him.
LL's are a very difficult sticking point with us as we are two totally different people. I can't get him to understand that the things he does to show me he loves me aren't things that make me feel loved. It is also a very touchy subject because when I try to explain this to him he tells me that he just can't make me happy and I can't accept him the way he is. VERY frustrating!!
So, I am totally in the dumps. I have lost all PMA and I stuck in the negative frame of mind. At this point, I am missing my being seperated life and the "me" time that it provided, I miss going out and having a life, and I hate to say it, I miss my ex-bf now more then ever. I think I have convinced myself that this isn't going to work.
My biggest stuggle, is giving H what I ask of him. It is very hard for me to open myself up and let him back into my heart 100% and share all my feelings with him. When he dropped the bomb, I swore that I would never let anyone have that much control over my life again. The power to destroy me in a matter of a sentence.
I need help. I can see the backsliding but feel like I can't do anything about it. I do want this to work, I want to be happy with my life again. I am just so emotionally and mentally confused and screwed up, I can't make heads or tails of anything anymore.
Penn---If I were the hugging type I would give you one! This is a continuous process...can I suggest to you that you re-read Divorce Remedy? You fought for your M and you have it...What were you doing before you dropped the D that made you happy...remember there is only one person in this world that can truly make you happy and it isn't your H...
Quote: It was just more of the same.
How could you have avoided more of the same behavior?
Quote: Therefore, no effort will be put forth to change.
OK, now this one really got me...how long have you been doing this?? You know that you can't change your H, you can only change you. This is going to take lots and lots of time...even though you have made lots and lots of positive steps in you R you still need to have patience...tons of patience!
Quote: I miss going out and having a life
WHY??? Why are you not having a life?? That is what made you happy...you having a life is part of what drew him back to you. There is no reason you can't keep doing what you were doing, (with the exception of the BF). Tell us what you are going to do for you this weekend...
It is natural that you miss your XBF, he was a big part of your life, you didn't have all the negativity in your R with him and he seemed to have filled some needs that H isn't able to do so at this point.
Bust out your books and read it again, spend some more time on this BB. Go have your nails done or a facial or buy yourself a new outfit or have a triple scoop ice cream cone or go for a run or a walk or to the library or to a concert or out dancing....whatever it is that you enjoy doing....make yourself smile!
Hi Penn. I'm sorry that you're struggling. It sounds like you guys need some professional help to help you see other's points of view.
Have you considered ordering Michele's Marriage Breakthrough seminar? It's very good. I've watched it once and my H and I are in the process of watching it together in segments.
Also, I've heard good things about Retrouvaille. I'm not sure if I mentioned this to you already, sorry if I did. www.retrouvaille.org Or maybe you could call one of the DB coaches to put you on the right path.
Either way, I hope you guys can get over this hump. You've come so far.
I too have researched Retrouvaille but alas W won't go. There'a the coaches her and also a counselor in Michigan called Nathan Claunch near geneva who does phone consultation. His website is stopunwanteddivorce.com All the best
Just wanted to thank you for visiting my place. I can see we have a similar struggle.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I know this is all probably just normal process here. Just something I am going to have to go through.
Unsure....thanks for your advice. I know that I can only change me, and I can't change H. As far as what I was doing before reconciling. I had a life and a fun one at that. When H took the kids, I went out with friends and on dates. I went dancing, I went gambling, I went on vacations. I had a blast. I can't do any of those things anymore. We really have no one to babysit, and H works mostly nights.
I know I have to start doing more things for me to make me happy. That is essentially what I lost. I had a couple nights a week to myself to do what I wanted. I no longer have that. And this weekend I am working, so that's what I will be doing!! LOL
About the retrouville thing......H isn't one for that kind of thing. I don't think he would respond positively to the suggestion. I am still trying to get him to read 5 LL's. We have had bad past experiences with counselor's so I am not sure he would want to go that route again.
I am just praying to god that I am not entering the world of MLC myself. I don't think my M can survive that.
On a side note, it seems today that H doesn't trust me. He had noticed that I had erased my internet history the other day, and then today noticed that I tried to email an old guy friend that I used to work with. I have the wrong address so I went online to look it up. He got very upset with me, and said he was nauseous. Neither of the two things were done with malicious intent or to hide anything. I cleaned up my pc so I could defrag, and I wanted to forward some jokes to an old friend. I wonder why he doesn't trust me? I am not the one who went outside the marriage. I don't understand it. Could he be afraid that I might turn around and do it to him??
This is a continuous process...can I suggest to you that you re-read Divorce Remedy? You fought for your M and you have it...What were you doing before you dropped the D that made you happy...remember there is only one person in this world that can truly make you happy and it isn't your H...
I can see we have a similar struggle. 