Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't posted, been busy with work lately.
Tag- My H isn't really a "get to the point" kind of guy. He spends great time discussing things in detail, and expects the same in return. If anything, it's me who is the "get to the point already" person!! LOL. And to answer your question, I am inspired by Geneva, and everyone on this board. That is why I come here!!!!
There was no talk with H that night. He ended up having to go back to work as soon as he had gotten home. We both worked this weekend (alternating shifts) so the conversation never took place. He called me this morning on his way into work and asked me about it. He told me that I said I would talk to him and never did. I was under the impression that he was waiting for a good time for him to bring it up. (ASSuming) He said that he didn't want to hassle me like he used to. I really don't ever feel like he hassled me to talk to him before, but maybe I am not remembering things right.
I am having a hard time putting my thoughts into words. I really just need him to understand me. My feelings are very different then his. Point in case, the song I once complained about. He threw away the cd he had bought for when him and ow were together. He had made a copy of it on his pc and typed out the words to her, ended it with an "I love you with all my heart" He created that copy and document over a year ago. It still hurt me deeply to see that. I asked him about it, and he promptly deleted it, apologizing that I had to see that. He didn't remove the copy of the cd. I saw that as "Hmm.....he throws away the cd because he knew it upset me, but didn't get rid of the back up. Maybe he is trying to hold onto something with her." He saw it as "I got rid of the letter, and since this song was one that was special once in our marriage, I was hoping we could listen to it again someday." Now me, I am a sentimental fool. As far as I'm concerned, I never want to hear that song again. It would be too painful. To him, it's just a song. Now, I feel if he understood me, he would have had the foresight to see that by not deleting the cd, I would be upset. He thought that I should of been happy he deleted the letter so as not to upset me anymore, but instead I focused on what he didn't do rather then what he did.
My biggest need from him is something that seems unacheivable.(sp?) We are so very different that I am not sure he will ever really understand me. I am hoping that by talking to him a lot about how I think and feel (which is what he says he needs) will help us both understand each other better. That is something we never took the time to do.
So, that's whats going on here. How is everyone else doing? I will have to catch up on your threads.
PG, You asked: "Any thoughts to what I said?" - It's tough trying to understand anyone's situation especially yours with short messages like these. You made the comment:"He had made a copy of it on his pc and typed out the words to her, ended it with an "I love you with all my heart" -I don't know if he's let go but if it were me I'd make the same mistake. Once I dismiss something its gone from me regradless if I left it on the pc. Pardon my ignorance but remember, I'm from the "Ready, Fire!,Aim" persuasion. Have you two visited a counselor? Many of your feelings seem to be my W's feelings and if I can see how you handle them I might better help my W. sounds to me that your H needs help. I don't know what help but maybe counseling might be a start. Maybe even the reading list e always route. Finally, I'd suggest more patience on your part and that's profound coming form me! good luck!
Tag- Thanks for the response. I try to keep my posts short. I don't know why.
Quote: sounds to me that your H needs help
That struck me. I was just wondering what gave you that impression? I am not attacking, just curious as to what I am missing here. When I read my posts it sounds to me like I need the help, not him. LOL
Patience, yes I need much more of that.
As far as how I handle my feelings, well I do it day by day. I am not sure how your wife is feeling, and if it is infact the same. I just remind myself that it initially took both of us to get to this place. We both slacked off before the A and overlooked each other's need because we were so concerned about our own needs not being met. Now, I am trying to understand my H and he is trying to understand me so we can try to make sure the other one's needs get met. Everyday we try and make sure that we give compliments, pleanty of hugs and kisses, and do the little things to show we care, even simple things like making a cup of coffee for the other person.
Personally, I deal with my feelings a bit different.I have many mood swings from happy, to depressed, to angry, to annoyed to hopeful. I take each mood as it comes and try to pin point what happened/didn't happen to make me feel this way. I also remind myself all the time that this is a work in progress. Things didn't get so bad overnight, and they won't get better overnight. A lot of time and work is going to have to put into this M to make it work and make it happy and fulfilling for the both of us. Most important of all, I don't ever have to remind myself that this is what I want. I want my M. So, I know I will do whatever it takes. I am starting to come around to H and believing that this is what he wants as well.
To get back to the copy of the cd, I had told him that I thought if he respected my feelings he would have deleted it. After that conversation, he deleted several other cd copies he had made and threw out the original cd's. I haven't mentioned it, but I am ASSuming that it was done because it was more "them" music. That action there showed me that he thought about how I felt. Before he knew how I felt about them, when I asked since when do you listen to X type of music, he replied that he just liked it. Didn't mention they were shared songs in his R with OW. Since he found out that "memory songs" were hurtful to me because I am a big sap....he just go rid of them. Now, I can look at this two ways. He didn't tell me upfront that he bought them for her. So, I can be angry and hurt that he didn't share that info with me. Or, I can look at it as he took my feelings into consideration and got rid of some of the memory joggers.
Hi Penngirl. I think what you said makes sense. It's normal for you to be anxious over the differences in what you want and what your H thinks. They key here is not to let these differences derail or upset you in any way. For example, about the Cd issue, maybe a simple 'H, I appreciate that you threw away the Cd and the letter to OW. That means a lot to me. I also want to let you know that because this is such a sensitive issue with me right now, I need you to destroy the copy on your PC too. I appreciate you understanding that I don't want anything around here that reminds me of her.' You can say this calmly and without being upset at him, because he justs needs you to make it clear to him. Also, I've learned that a lot of guys are short sighted on details. He may not even realize that he has it or that it bothers you.
You are right that your R will take time to repair. Have you considered any therapy? There is a website www.retrouvaille.org, that is for couples to rediscover themselves. I'm going to ask my H to attend with me, but I'm going to wait another month or so before I ask. Also, there is a book 'Fighting for Your Marriage' by Howard Markman, et al, and it sounds good for couples to do together. I've just started it, but it sounds good. The point is, you know that you need help learning new ways to interact with each other and there is a lot of help out there if you look.
Hey, we were cross posting so I wanted to respond to one thing.
Quote: I had told him that I thought if he respected my feelings he would have deleted it.
One of the hardest things for me to learn is that everyone doesn't think the same and it is not reasonable to expect others to share our viewpoint on things. One of the greatest gifts you can give to your marriage is to stop the 'if he loved me would xxxx' or 'if he respected me he would xxx.' thinking. Get rid of all it, it's junk! Every single human being was raised with their own values and understanding of the world around them and that's what makes us different. Your thinking should be more in line with 'Because I know my H wouldn't hurt me, he must not realize xxxx bothers me so I will tell him'.
I know that everyone thinks and feels differently. I can understand and respect that. I guess that's where him understanding me, and me understanding him comes in. I know I shouldn't be thinking "If he loved me..or....If he cared about my feelings......" but to think along the lines of "I know he wouldn't want to hurt me"....well I am sorry to say that I am not quite there yet. H has lied to me a lot throughout our years together. Even times when he swore up and down he was being 100% honest, he wasn't. So, it's hard to just shift gears and believe now that he is being real. He has shared more with me in recent weeks then he has over the course of our marriage, but building up trust will still take time.
It's like him throwing away the other cd's without telling me. Part of me is glad he did it, the other part wonders why he didn't tell me about them when he had the opportunity. So, I stuggle with wondering how he has been completely honest. If he was, then he would have told me when I asked him. I know it is a little matter, but that has been pretty much par for the course with us. He always lied about the small things.
Ugh, I don't know what happened. I went from being so happy that this was happening, to doubting this entire thing. I am feeling worse about the situation now then I ever have. I guess I just have low tolerance for problems with us. I know that isn't going to help. It will only hurt us.
Another thing, I think that my attitude is pretty much "I can live with him, or without him" at this point. I am trying to figure out how much it has to do with my tolerance level. Penngirl
PG, Bunch of stuff. First sage counsel from geneva especially the retrouville. My W refused. I wish you luck geneva. My comment your H needs help comes from what I read and my own situation. I needed help.You get help from people like geneva but what about your H? What's he doing to better undersatnd you? My W isn't reading anything. She's stopped going to counselors. She's fine everyone else is wrong don't confuse me with new data. Where's your H in this regard? Just input, Just input. Remember: "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Confucius
Tag- I see what you are saying about H getting help. As of now, he has no one I guess. He relies on talking to me, and me opening up to him to help him. He isn't a reader, but has agreed to read books that I reccomended once I agree to open up to him. As far as counseling or the Retrouville, I haven't mentioned anything. Years ago we tried MC and it was a bad experience for both of us.
I know that was just your input and I really appreciate it. I hope you don't think I was getting angry or snippy, it may have come through that way and I apologize if it did.
So, I got a phone call to work tonight and cover for someone. H knew that I was trying to get some extra hours at work. Instead of taking the time, I decided to stay home and have that talk with H that he waiting for. It won't be easy, since I am such an introvert, but I have to do it. I have settled on what I think I need from him: 1) Building up trust again- I need him to be honest and forthcoming with me. Somethings can't be proven, I will just have to take him at his word (this will take time) but if I don't believe him, instead of getting upset, show me instead of trying to convince me and understand that this will just take some time. 2) Spending time with me- Instead of cleaning the garage, or whatever the project be- take time to sit and talk with me, cuddle with me and watch a movie....anything. 3) Listen to me when I talk and tell me if he doesn't understand me. Understanding me is huge. 4) Talk to me. About anything. How your day went, etc. 5) Notes. He always used to leave me little I love you notes around the house, or buy me cards, things like that showed me he was thinking of me.
I guess that's really all I can think of for now. I am sure that with time my needs will change. But for now, this is what I found when I dug deep.
Penngirl, I think you did a good job thinking about some of the things you need from your H. I'm eager to hear how your conversation went tonight. It was really nice of you to think of his feelings instead of going to work.
The next thing that you might want to think about is try reading a book together since he's not much of a reader and you need time to open up. I'm thinking that way you'll both take it slow since you'll both be doing something that is a little umcomfortable for you.
I understand now how you need more time to trust. That is something that perhaps reading a book or Retrouviaille or a C could help both of you with. I know most men like to try to put stuff in the past a lot sooner that most women are able to.
I'm really sorry that you feel terrible right now. I have heard other people say things like that too. I guess it's only natural to second guess yourself when you're looking at a lot of hard work and you haven't got a lot of rewards from the past. Have faith in yourself that you'll pull through. You can work on forgiving him for past discretions and keep telling him when he's doing well so he'll have incentive to continue.
