Hi Unsure! Thanks for asking about me. I have been lurking, but haven't been posting much. I was going to post today.
Things are going ok I suppose. My H seems to be into this full swing. The problem is me. I seem to be having some "down times". I am ok one minute, and deeply depressed the next. I get stuck in a rut of negative thinking, and the hurt from the A comes back. Then I start doubting his intentions, his trustworthiness and his faithfulness to me. This, in turn, makes me feel bad about myself. Since I wasn't good enough, sexy enough, etc. the first time around, what makes me think I am any better now? Then I start feeling bad about me. All in all just one big pity party going on with me. It really stinks to be this way. I have tried thought stopping but it doesn't seem to be working.
H keeps saying how happy he is with his home life. That I am now the person that he always needed me to be for him. And I think to myself "Well, that's great...you are getting what you need out of me and this M, but what about what I need?" Since our reconciliation, I have yet to ask him for a thing. I haven't told him what I need from him. Truth is, I don't know what I need or want from this. How can that be? How can someone who thinks they know themselves so well not be able to figure out what they want out of a M? Then I wonder if just maybe I am not investing 100% of myself into this. That I am keeping up my walls and keeping a safe distance from the emotions of this whole thing.
I dont know....the rantings of a madwoman today. Unsure...lol...I bet you are sorry you asked how I was now!!! So, that's whats going on here. Very low PMA. Getting lower by the day.
Quote: I have to say, you nailed it. To me, Db'ing is about YOU. In the end you WILL be a better person whether or not you remain married. All of this is about you, changing you, and making yourself happy. That is where the success comes in.
This is just one thing you posted to me and there is more good stuff. You also said the fact that H came home is a big positive....but I always say it is easier to give advice to others than apply it to your own sitch. Your feelings are normal...hang in there, keep doing things for you, act as if. One of Michelle's chapters says to ask for what you want. I think that is a step that you need to take. I'm going to throw a wild guess out there and say that you probably know what you want, you are just afraid to ask because you are afraid at this point that your H can't provide what you need. You need to give him the chance to prove himself before you make that decision for him. As far as the trust, that will take time, can't help you with that one but don't rush it!
Thanks Tag*******sending some magic dust your way *********
Unsure- thanks for the reminder. This is about me. As for knowing what I want from him, I guess that's what taking it slow is about. We had a talk today about it. I told him that I thought it unfair to me that his heart not be 100% for me, that I deserved better. (ofcourse he says he is pretty much over her, it's a thing of the past) True that I have my ex-bf that I have feelings for, but I did not leave the marriage for him. I guess what I want is what I had in my R with my ex-bf...to feel like aside from the children, I was number one. I never had to ask if I was truly loved, I could feel it and I could hear it in his voice. I felt like in his eyes, there was no other woman in this world. I gave that up to work on this marriage and ended up feeling like I was second best, second choice or just plain not good enough. It is doing a tune on my self esteem. To hear these words hurt my H. Naturally, he told me he loved me, he wanted to be with me, that I was the first woman that he ever loved with his whole heart and I will be the last. But he was hurt that he felt like second best to my ex-bf because he can't make me feel as good. H feels like he is trying hard to show me he loves me and it's for real, but he thinks he isn't going to ever be able to make me happy or feel the way that my ex-bf did.
I know I have to fast track a way out of this current mindset or this is doomed to fail. "Acting as if" isn't as easy as it once was.
Thanks for being here for me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this place to vent my feelings and get good feedback.
Hi Penngirl. I'm sorry that you feel down in the dumps lately.
So, you had a good talk about feelings and now your H knows how you feel, but he said that he doesn't know what else to do. You will have to tell him what you need. What words can he say, what actions can he do? Ask yourself, what will be the first sign that I believe my H? Then of course, sometimes only time can heal, especially since you are not completely over your OM.
Have you read 'How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together' by Susan Page? It helped me with insight about how to look at things differently and promoted having a lot of good will toward each other. I know when I get down, reading something positive always helps. It makes me feel more in control of how things can be.
This book: 'How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together' by Susan Page is so good I lost my copy and bought another! Boy this is tough. I guess this is how some of us thick heads learn patience and really talk to God. A great weekend to all and Go Eagles!
Thanks for the book reccomendation. I will surely check it out.
This is very tough. I had a talk with H tonight. He says that he feels we are going backwards. Everything he wants is anti DB. There is no "acting as if" with him. He knows that I am having a difficult time dealing with this. He wants me to be able to tell him what I need from him, what I want from him and what is going on with me. He wants me to let the walls down and be an open book. It isn't easy to trust your heart to someone who has broken it once already. I know in order for this to work, I have to atleast try.
Right now I am just so confused. I have such a whirlwind of emotions going on, that I can't seem to get a good grip on what it is I am feeling. H is expecting a talk tonight when he gets home from work. He wants me to sit down with him and open up and tell him everything that I am thinking and feeling.
How is it, that most of the people on this board, want to make that request of their spouse, but don't. Here I am in the completely opposite situation...my H wants is open with me and wants me to be more open with him. Maybe that is why I am so confused. I had totally changed my way of dealing with things and handling issues. Now, H wants me to act another way. Again, I know if I want this to work I have to do it. H has told me what he needs and I have to respect that.
Penngirl, if it's what he's asking for, then yes you should give it to him. The reason the rest of us can't do it is because our spouses don't want it. You guys both want it to work and you've both sacrificed to make it happen. That's a great step and now it is time to start repairing.
PG, If you Hub is anything like me he's a get to the point now! You're wrestling with demons and he doesn't get it. Neither did I. Now I face this "give time and space" approach and it's killing me. But, I'm here DBing and W is not. She even picked up DB and got mad at it. I am absolutely the worst the worst person to provide counsel at this but hey, even a turtle wouldn't get anywhere if he didn't stick his neck out! Tell H someting like this "Honey, I've been with you long enough to know you want to understand how to put this behind us but I'm really struggling. It's part you and it's part me and I've got to fix me first. I need time and I need some patience from you. Our relationship is too important for a bandaid fix. We need permanent repairs an that will take time. If you can't give me that time I can understand." If my W would say that I'd be in 7th heaven but nooooooo! It's the same old "you're no good, you don't love me, you've been a terrible husband and father, yada, yada, yada and I hate your dog!" Hang in there. Aren't you inspired by the people like geneva who open their heart to you?
