The last couple of days have been ok. When H and I were talking/starting reconciliation, he was still talking to OW. They were no longer in a "relationship". They were seeing other people but still in contact with the occasional visit.(long distance R) He told her about us and asked her to stop calling. This was something that he did on his own. I didn't ask him to stop talking to her. I told him if he wanted to talk to her or see her, then he was going to do it. If he felt he wanted to be with her, then he should do everything that he can to try and make it work with her. He said that although they went through a lot together (they both left their marriages for one another) and he considered her a friend, he wanted to be with me and he didn't see the point in talking to her anymore. I asked him then, in the beginning if he still had feelings for her. He said he did and wondered if it was possible to love two people. I haven't asked him since how he felt towards her. She called him again last night, even though he asked her to stop. She seems to be having a hard time letting go. I didn't hear the conversation between them, but he told her he asked her again not to call him and told her he had moved back in with me and the kids. He seems to tell me everytime she calls, and what they say to eachother. (I don't ask, I figure he will tell me what he wants me to know)
On the flip side of that, the guy that I broke up with in order to work things out is still contacting me. Says he still loves me, wants me to get back with him, etc. Asks me to call him, if we can see eachother, if I can email pictures. My H knows we chat on the computer, I don't hide it. He says that is not going to try and control me by telling me what to do.(not to talk to him) My H knew that it wasn't easy for me to say goodbye to the good thing I had with my bf. It was a tough decision but I feel I made the right one for myself and my kids. I still have feelings for my ex-bf, but I love my H and want my life back.
So, some positives out of this whole mess of a story is that H now feels that he can open up and talk to me without walking on eggshells. That used to be a big issue in our marriage. I, on the other hand, seem to have come out of our situation a stronger person. I don't feel the need to constantly ask him what he feels for the OW. I am content in knowing that if this reconciliation doesn't work, I am still a good person and there are plenty of people in my life that I have to love and be loved by. I am happy, and that happiness doesn't depend on whether or not this reconciliation works. The happiness comes from me.
There is one thing I am struggling with though. We used to have a "special song". When helping him move, I noticed he had bought the cd. Strange, since this isn't a very popular artist. He told me he bought it for them for a song that was on it. I knew what song he meant and I was devastated. I couldn't help it, I started crying. He consoled me, apologized, and said if made me feel better it was her idea and he used to think of me when they played it. Ofcourse it didn't make me feel better, I was hurt. Now, as silly as it seems, I am afraid to hear that song. Afraid that I will start crying again. I mean, it's only a song right? I guess I never realized that letting go of the past in order not be bound to it, I would have to let the good go with the bad. I think this is something that I need to work on.
