WOW!
Double WOW...I actually came over to piecing to post to Underwood that there was a thread on Surviving that she might enjoy..but I clicked on this for whatever reason.

I have no idea about your sitch...but you are one strong woman and I sure hope that you are able to piece back your R with the almostX ( ). If I may offer a little advice based on a past experience of mine (with the realization that it may have little or no bearing on your own sitch):
In l995, after 16 years of marriage, I felt so rejected and emotionally abused by my X (a PA withholder is my best guess) that I asked him to leave. At first, he wanted to work on the M and I was too hurt, but then I read Divorce Busting (it honestly FELL on my head when I was in a bookstore )and knew that I didn't want to give up on my M.
I had to change a lot of things about myself in order to win him back (he was a young doc who quickly learned that it wasn't so bad being a sincle good looking 45 year old!!!)...but this all happened over only a couple of months and after just a few days of DB we were head over heels in love again. Now the bad part: for two years everything was bliss BUT an issue that has been causal to my feeling rejected the first time (my husband has this problem with weight...not a lot of weight, just a little over skinny and when it happens he withholds sex for YEARS) came up again....And things kinda fell apart over the next 2 years and then he left me and we are divorced.

I'm saying this only becasue of what we DIDNT do after our reconciliation. Becasue I regret that we didn't do it, even if it may not have had any bearing on the final result.
I remember so clearly that when we fell back in love that I didn't want to do anything that would burst the bubble...so, instead of being smart and finding a good counselor to help us when things got hard or when communication got muddied...I thought that we were in such great shape that we didn't need to find out what had happened that caused both of us (or at least certainly me) so much pain.
I will always wonder if our marriage couldn't have been saved if we had gotten help. I've learned (I think) of the unhealthy dynamic we had: pretty sure H was PA and I was an enabler/fixer. DB brought us back together; but without figuring out what it was driving us apart we weren't able to sustain our marriage. I think it hurts more the 2nd go round...I fear I am now damaged far beyond the point of healing whereas I think I may have adapted better if we had divorced back then.

SO: my advice is this. SOMETHING went wrong in your marriage ...maybe it was different communication styles, maybe one of you weren't emotinally available to the other. And then there was an affair and a breaking of trust. For your newly forged love to deepen and last, I think you might need a third party (a counselor, therapist, pastor...someone you both like and trust....to be there for you when things like your insecurities pop up. Maybe someone to try to facilitate good communication between you and someone who can dig up those buried resentments before they eat away at your new love.

I don't know if the lack of that 3rd party is what doomed my marriage....but I guess if you tired it, it couldn't hurt as long as both of you felt it would help.

I hope your new love will grow and that you two will grow old together! You've obvously worked so hard at this, and you should both be proud of your new committment and of yourselves! God Bless!!!
gd