I dropped the bomb on the relationship last night. I had spent most of the day stewing over things, re-reading my journal and hitting the boards. I left work feeling like I had reached my limit, and that I was no longer going to take anymore. The thought that I could not escape, was that while there had been positive moments, in general I have been increasingly unhappy with the quality, tone and direction or our relationship over the past couple of months. My wife had reverted back to her old ways of not communicating, not being open, disregarding my needs and feelings, and in general not being the active partner that I told her I had to have, and that she had committed to being.
Strangely, I found myself feeling quite happy after deciding I was going to drop my own "bomb". I had been all twisted up inside thinking that I had been doing something wrong, that I needed to do something to make things move in a better direction. When I realized that I was not the problem, I felt a ton better. I came home happy, knowing in my heart, that I was doing all the right things. It allowed me to have a good evening with her, and it was nice. Later that night, she actually initiated LM, and although she was nervous (so was I) things were very successful. I guess thats what makes what happened next all the more troubling.
I asked her to talk to me about her being nervous. She told me that she gets nervous taking the risk of initiating and having it not happen. I understood, and tried to tell her that it is just as risky for me when I initiate and that I get nervous too. But the only way for us to get past this, is together and that we have to take the risks, and then try to be there for each other.
I never got the chance. She shut down on me in the middle of me sharing my feelings, and got angry. Apparently she didn't want to talk about it, even though she brought it up initially, and that I was supposed to know that she didn't want to talk about it (somehow). It pissed me off, because the same old person had just reappeared. Emotionally cut off, withdrawn, and defensive. So I took a deep breath, and calmy dropped my own little bomb.
I told her she was not doing anything to meet my needs. That she was not doing anything to keep her promise of being open, and being communicative. That I was no longer willing to continue on in this marriage this way, because this was just more of the same. At one point, I pointed out that she was not this way with the OM, and she agreed. So whatever it is, it has to do with me, her, us, or our baggage. I put it out on the line, that either she needs to change and fast or this is over, for real. I meant it.
I do want to be with her and I have enjoyed our time together, but I am not interested in a friend. I want a lover, a wife, and a partner and a companion. That she was not working hard enough at being that in our marriage and that was no longer good enough for me.
I woke this morning having second thoughts. Maybe I had been too hasty, too harsh. But I need to remember what I was feeling and how things have been these past couple of months and remember that this is not me being harsh. This is about her being able to keep her commitment to changing in the relationship, and her changing the way she is with me. I can't do that for her, and I have spent the past couple of months, agonizing over the fact that I thought I needed to do something. I lost sight of the fact that it was her, that had something to prove, not me. It was her that had an affair. Some how the whole thing got turned around and it started to head us in a direction that was not good and not what I wanted.
The ball is in her court. I am "going dark" so to speak. I am not avoiding her, or canceling any of our time together we have planned this weekend. I am going to try and do my best DBing. I don't want her to think I am not willing to be with her, but she knows now, that the clock is ticking and she needs to start bringing her "A" game and fast or I am out of there, with no regrets. I deserve better, so does she.
