Things have been all over the map lately. I have been reading "Sage" advice (wow, wish I was where she is now) and it helps. I seem to bounce from feeling crummy about myself and needing/wanting reassurance to gritty determination that I can stick it out with confidence. But man, there is a lot of territory in between.
My wife and I are not feeling very good about each other lately. I have had a hard time dealing with the realities of the sitch. It is really hard to live with someone that you love, but doesn't love you back. Your self-esteem/confidence takes a beating. It's like trying to hold the most precious stone in your hand, but the stone is 500 degrees. You can't let go, but sometimes the pain is too much to handle day after day. When I get like this, I am not fun to be around and don't exactly inspire loving feelings in my wife. So she in turns pulls back farther, unaware that I am hurting and need some assurance from her that I am not totally worthless. But nothing comes.
This exact thing played out the other night, and I told her how hard it is sometimes living this way. W didn't seem to be very understanding. (Body language, demeanor, non-sequiturs about the past etc.) so it was not a feel good-improve the relationship-moment. I just wish I didn't feel so damn needy for WOA right now.
Asking for assurances/WOA right now ends up feeling artificial, like I am forcing her, so I don't ask. I want them to come spontaneously (I know how controlling that sounds, how I need to soothe myself and all that, but come on… if I was that strong, I wouldn't be here now.)
She says her feelings for me are not coming back as fast as she thought they would (and in turn the feelings for the OM are not going away as quickly either). She says that she is having to consciously choose to act in loving ways, and mostly that it doesn't even occur to her to say or do the little loving things that bring people together. I was doing my part (full-force) and it was working (sort of), but it felt very lopsided (she had been very passive in our relationship) so I have stopped being the initiator of loving acts/moments. I am no cold fish, but I want her to have a turn at being "in charge" of trying to improve the relationship. But as you can read, it's not really working. So do I keep trying and be patient, or change tactics? Do I focus on being happy, rather than right? Or in doing this am I short changing myself in the long run? Confusing times.
It almost seems like we are loosing our optimism, our PMA about each other, and our chances of success. I know my behavior hasn't helped, but how does one do this, having never done it before?
