[Nevanna]

In the first days of coming home, I tried to support my wife through her grief and withdrawl. Kinda sick I know.

Not sick at all. Hurts you right now, yes, but helps the M longterm.

How long did the mourning phase last in your case? I know there are no set time limits, but what has been your experience or information on that? Did you ever feel like a concilation prize? How did you not let those details derail you or get you down? Did your husbands EA/PA end on its own, or did you discover it, and demand it end?

This one's complicated. We have been seperated twice. The first time was brief--three weeks total. He was in a pretty involved EA in the months leading up to it, which wen PA during the sep. (Maybe two encounters, is my understanding.) This was before I found DB. I went dark on him, and he begged me for another chance. I had had my suspicions about xow, but hadn't been sure. He told me what had happened the day after we reconciled, and I told him he had to cut off all contact if he wanted to make a go with me. In this case, I think it worked because he came pursuing me to reconcile. (Called me constantly for two days, went to my parents' house, etc) The withdrawal in this case was nasty. He kept defending her, which really, really tore me up. (Of course, I didn't know enough at the time to not attack her. ) But she screwed it all up, kept coming into his bar. I'm guessing maybe a couple of months, but I honestly can't recall, and don't particularly care to remember.

The second time, his EA wasn't nearly as bad. I was forced out of the apartment, and he moved in a FF as a roommate. I know when she moved in he had a crush on her. (He admitted it.) She turned out to be crazy. (I'm not exaggerting. She would "rewrite" events to suit her, would "forget" stuff that happened...threatened me at the end...a real nutjob.) Although this wasn't nearly as bad, and even with her being a nut, it still took some time for him to quit missing her. (Kept saying he wanted his friend back. What he really wanted was his fantasy of that friendship.) This time, I didn't demand the end of any contact, let him play out how he wanted. Still took a couple of months. (And some really, really out there behavior on her part.)

So...it just takes time. Unfortunately. The best thing you can do is let her feel what she feels, and not criticize her (or the OM). She did come home to you. You must have something over him. It may also help to know that he R doesn't sound like it got past fantasy-land. If you give her time, and support her, she will come around on her own time.

We are both trying to build new, good memories and experiences, while trying to avoid familiar, trap ladden ways of relating to one another.

Sounds like a good plan. It helps that she is willing to work with you, as well.

We are reconnecting with one another, and are kind of in that "Honeymoon" phase. But I can already start to feel somethings are beginning to shift.

There's definately a honeymoon part to this. In my case, everything came crashing down around me. I had a real crisis of my own...complete with walkaway thoughts and all. Not trying to worry you, just be aware that you spent a lot of time simply functioning, and that means there's still a lot of unresolved feelings.

Take it one day at a time. That's the best advice I can give you.