Ok folks. I have done my time in some of the other forums and have learned much. I have passed through one difficult phase in the DB crucible, now I am on to a new one and could use some insights.
My sitch… I have/had a WAW w/midlife crisis. My wife began a long distance EA with a man, that became very serious. After an intial failed attempt at C we seperated at the beginning of October. During the separation my wife continued the EA, and the depth and breadth of how involved she and the OM became was astonishing. Even with the EA being long distance, my presence in her life was totally subsumed by this man and the affair.
During the time we were separated, I under went a personal transformation, begun with the principles contained in Michele's book DR, in addition to personal therapy and a ton of introspection and work on my own. The changes were mental, emotional and physical. My wife saw that I was changing, that I was no longer the man I had been of recent years, but more like the man I had been when we married. We began to spend time with one another, and as I put into practice the techniques of DB'ing, things began to change.
My WAW asked that I move back home at beginning of December. She agreed to end the affair and we are now trying to see if we can save/recreate a loving, commited relationship. She is committed to the possibility of change in our relatioship (having seen it in me) and now wants to see if she/we can do the same. There are so many issues for us to work on, and pain to overcome.
I am having difficulty in accepting/dealing with the love/relationship/feelings that my wife had/has for the OM. To her credit, she has ended the relationship and is devoting the time and energy she used to put into that relationship, back into our marriage. She is allowing herself to feel, and acting upon, any and all positive feelings that she has for me, whereas before, she wouldn't even make room for them in her heart. But her feelings of withdrawl and grief/mourning over the loss of that relationship is palpable. When ever I ask questions about their relationship, I am sickened by the realizations of how deeply involved they had become. Sometimes in ways my wife and I never had. To hear my wife refer/speak positively about the OM in ways she never has about me or our marriage is a difficult thing to accept. I am intimidated by their relationship, and heart broken to hear her speak of how fulfilling and meaningful her relationship with the OM was, in comparison to our 10 year marriage. She does not throw these things in my face, she is not doing any of this to be cruel, and I am not imagining the worst. They are real and I am the one that opens the discussion. Sometimes not knowing these details, is actually more difficult. After all, the imagination is a powerful thing.
We are working on things. We are both in therapy individually and will be restarting couples counseling next month. If you were to see us together, it would appear we are doing surprisingly well. But I know it is not completely true; the shell on the surface is pretty thin. My ability to cope, her ability to get over the OM, our ability to forgive and begin to repair the damage we have done to each other, is so very fragile. I just don't know what to do about these feelings regarding the affair and the OM. I have such a hard time not feeling like a second place prize, when I hear her speak of the OM and their relationship. I know that in the end, she did choose to stay, but I feel like it was more a choice of necessity, or pragmatism than about love (2 kids, 10 years together, family pressures, guilt etc.). If the field of circumstances were even between myself and the OM, I feel like I would be typing a very different letter.
Please, I need some insight from others who have dealt with this, and gotten past where I am now. How did you do it? What did you do to get past those thoughts and feelings? I know that many wives have gone through this, and your input is valuable. But are there any husbands out there, who have survived this, I would love to hear from you. Tell me your successes, and your experiences. I need to gain a different perspective than my own.
