Quote: what makes her feel loved is when I can take care of a problem BEFORE it bothers her ~ such as picking up a pile of magazines on the nightstand... the problem is that her love language almost requires me to read her mind...
If you're observant - and you obviously are, since you had the example of the magazines right at hand - you'll be able to tell what bothers her. Dishes in the sink? Towels on the bathroom floor? Running out of her favorite ice cream?
My H is an Acts person, too. I've found that scooping the cat boxes and making sure there's plenty of Pepsi in the 'fridge are tiny little things that mean a lot to him. Putting a new bar of his soap in the shower when its worn down to a sliver. That kind of thing. He's even mentioned it days after I did it. "Thanks for putting changing the soap, I always forget" could come a week afterward... which means it meant something to him.
Since I'm physical touch, I've found that if I actually say "mmm, that feels so nice" when he hugs me or strokes my hair that he does it a lot more (a LOT more). Have you tried giving her positive feedback when she rubs your shoulders or back? She might be surprised at how much it means to you.
I do feel I am observant. If there are 10 things in her life she would like done I get 6 of them without her saying a word. We are VERY busy people. We get stressed. Sometimes she snaps about one of the four things I DIDN'T get done and that's when I get angry (something I'm working on - better communication, less anger)
On the physical touch issue... yes, I give her positive feedback. I just have to be careful because too much positive feedback can sound like MORE MORE MORE - she says that I'm never satisfied and she cannot do enough to make me happy (her excuse for not trying). So, I try to just say "that feels nice" one time and leave it at that. If she only rubs my back for 10 seconds I just leave it at that... I don't say "could you please rub it some MORE"
Geek, go here and browse around. There are some excellent articles: http://www.passionatemarriage.com/ It will give you a taste of the Schnarch-y approach.
Really I think you are a lot further along than I was when I joined the boards. You at least have sex once a month and your W wants to spend time alone with you.
All the books that have been suggested are good ones. I would like to caution you not to expect your W to change into, say, our good friend Honeypot in terms of desire for sex and desire to Talk About Sex. It sounds like you may be able to up the frequency, but at least as important is connecting during the sex you have. Scharch talks about Eyes Open Orgasms. This is a worthy goal. I would settle for Mouth Open Orgasms .
I wish you the best. Four months is a good length of time for you to try not playing the anger card. I've also cut down on the anger, and I am happier (BP down a bit, too).
It is a hard read, but worth it for YOUR sanity. You will find out that all you can change is YOU. You will take charge of your own life and make your wife take charge of hers.
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