Sorry you are here (we know what you are going through), but welcome. This BB is an excellent resource.
It sounds to me that you do have other issues other than just the frequency thing, and I think you are aware of it too. Different people here have had success using different approaches, but the common thread for success seems to be sharing a deeper level of communication in a non-judgemental and non-threatening way. In my case, I had tremendous success with the dialog technique taught at World-Wide Marriage Encounter weekends (I highly recommend this for couples who are committed to making their relationship work). They teach you to communicate your feelings (and they remind you there is nothing right or wrong with your feelings, they just are). Once you learn to share your feelings, your can each put yourself in the other's shoes much easier which makes it so much easier to find a common middle ground. Like anything else, you get out of it what you put in, so YMMV.
I had some initial limited success with the 180 described in SSM, but it was only temporary, I think because with that you are guessing your partner's thoughts and motivation rather than working directly with them.
Anyway, you've come to the right place. There is a lot of experience dealing with it here, and a ton of wisdom from people who have had varying degrees of success. I wish you the best.
--GGB, who says it is great to be a geek, 'cause then you can afford the fun toys!
