Ok...Zoo is having one of those BAD questioning moments and experiencing runaway thinking again...GRRRRRR!

H has Guard this weekend. It is one of those 3 day ones and normally no big deal. I was doing some checkbook balancing though and saw on my online bank statement that he used his credit card for gas. He supposedly went up to trainng in a government vehicle though and they have gas cards for those so his buying gas makes no sense. I keep telling myself that maybe they forgot the gas card but still...it leads to runaway thinking

I haven't had this problem in a while. Perhaps it is from being caught up in someone else's drama? It makes me tense though and i have that queasy feeling in my stomache. H didn't call last night either as he said he would and that doesn't help. I can find a dozen reasons WHY he didn't call too

Ok...H just called me See, this is the insanity of runaway thinking. The gas thing...he drove someone else's POV up. I still don't get WHY he did that, something about so they wouldn't have to walk all over the place I guess (I don't know...sounded lame to me). H said he got all of his stuff done so he was going to see if he could just come home tonight. At least he got my medical snafu taken care of while he is up there.

I hate untrusting moments. I keep thinking i have them licked and then something will send me off on a tangent. THis one started innocently enough...I was annoyed because I thougth he might have taken our truck up there and we really can't afford for him to drive that gas- guzzling monster to Indiannapolis and back. It was that "Indy and back thought" that lead to the next thought...why would he be driving back and forth? Then the next..."I thought he was suppose to be staying up there with the unit, but what if he isn't?" And so on and so on

This all despite H saying before he left that he could never live with himself if he let me drive the truck and I had a seizure (I offered to drive him to the armory) and something happened. That he wouldn't want to go on without me. I made the statement "we all have to go sometime" to which he replied "yes, but I need you, I want you to always be here and I want to be the first one of us to go (pass on)". And the night before he referred to me as the "love of his life". He has been saying that a lot lately and that is kind of unusual in itself. These types of things should boost my confidence and make me feel secure right??

Ack!!!

Well, I have an engine to start working on so I guess I should get to it. Maybe it will allay some of my tension?

Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi