Zooland Revisited

[Zoo]

well, I don't know if i did the right thing or not

I told J that it was easier to DB while you are still in the house...so he decided to move back home. His W is positively livid about it! He called to tell me that she is trying to get a restraining order against him and force him back out of the house. What I know about restraining orders is rather sketchy but am I right in thinking that you have to have CAUSE in order to get one? Doesn't there have to be some evidence of possible bodily harm involved? I told him i didn't think she could get one just becuase she didn't want him living in his own house.

I feel so sorry for him He has found out that his W has not been paying the bills for quite some time and he has no idea where the money he has given her to do so has gone. He got a hold of the people he signed his mortgage with and got them to postpone the filing of it. He thinks she waited until after they signed it to drop the bomb on him thinking she could get the house while he paid for it. He found paperwork where she was trying to apply for welfare...she can not get it while he lives in the house so it gives her another reason to be angry at him.

I did advise him not to give her any more money. I suggested that he pay the household bills himself and buy the groceries, etc. so the kids are taken cared of and let her be responsible for her own bills (she does have a job and has always been able to keep the money she earns from it for herself). I guess he decided to take my advice and set this as a boundary with her as well as letting her know that she was free to come and go as she pleased but she was not to bring her OM into the house.

His big worry is the kids right now. He found the house totally trashed and no food (despite his giving her money to buy groceries when she asked for it for that purpose). He keeps coming home to find that the kids are at someone else's place instead of at home with his W. I am not sure what to advise him about this kind of sitch since I personally find such behaviour in a mother deplorable. I keep emphasizing to him that the children come first, separate from what is going on between he and his W, and he wholeheartedly agrees. What do you do though when the WAW doesn't seem to agree with that thought? Yet she would not agree to give him temporary custody of the children I could speculate about some of her motive in denying him that but that is all it would be...speculation. He did say that she is suddenly obsessed with the amount of money he has...wanting to know how much his paycheck would be and when he would get it. He said she keeps asking him for money too and gets po'd when he won't give her any. SHe has asked him for a specific amount of their tax return as well (I think to pay for a lawyer) but I guess he told her no...not the amount she has asked for anyway.

I'm putting this up here because J can't post himself. Oh, by the way...J is 24 and his W is 23. I have offered to talk to her myself as well...from a previous WAW perspective rather then a DB one though. I don't want to try to ram that down her throat...I think enough people are telling her she is messing things up the way it is

I did tell J that in the end they will both have to make their choices for themselves. I can give him advice but he doesn't have to take it, and I can help with any confusion about DR/DB. IT's all in his hands now and not to expect any cooperation from his W on this. I do hope I am doing the right thing.

Regrds,
Zoo

PS: Things are going well here right now on my own personal R front