Zooland Revisited

[Zoo]

Things that aren't so good

-I am angry A LOT. That is the big reason for me coming back to the bb. I'm still angry about many aspects of our old sitch and some days it feels like it is getting out of control. It isn't about the OW and the EA/PA. A lot of it has to do with my SELF. I never really got a chance to express my anger at the time and most of it comes out of that. It all just sits there simmering all of the time.

-H has fallen back into the habit of tuning me out. That is probably my doing for the most part, what with the question asking. Some of it has to do with him being tired all of the time too because of his work and the Guard. I keep looking for some form of compromise for all of this but havne't hit upon a workable solution yet. I am not going to sit here and be silent all of the time. Been there and done that...part of the reason I ended up on the BB to begin with.

-H lost interest in those damn chickens he was so insistent on getting. He says it is because he doesn't have time for them. I think it is because they require more work than he expected. I have taken them over completely and have in turn become obsessed with them. It probably seems to him that they are all I can talk about now Actually, that isn't true. Talking about them has become my current solution to refrain from asking so many unwanted questions. I don't think he has figured that out yet though.

-I've lost a LOT of my animals this year. This has caused me a considerable amount of emotional pain. I feel like i have failed somehow with them or else i have the rottenest luck in the world. I could almost wonder if this is the payment exacted from me for getting my M and H back

-My parents moved back to OH...very suddenly and with what I personally don't think were actual good reasons to do so. When I say suddenly I mean they called me up to say they were going to OH and 2 weeks later are packing up their house and putting it on a moving truck. I think my mom thought Pops was cheating on her again (she alluded to it anyway) and gave him an ultimatum of we move or else...without telling him WHY precisely she wanted to go back. He of course was all for it because it meant he could quit his job. It is all just really fishy because a few days before she informed me of their moving we had talked, she was going on about how much she really like their house and Pops having a steady job, gettting together for the holidays and stuff we all wanted to do together. IT was all pretty weird...then she started telling me lies about various things (if there is one thing I know it is when my mom is lying). When that started I washed my hands of the sitch. H was pretty upset because Pops lied at work about why he was leaving and H got sideswiped by it. H said it didn't reflect well on him because he was the one who got Pops his job. What a mess.

-Quality time has become an issue. H has not had a vacation in over a year. When he isn't working at his job/Guard he is trying to catch up on work around the house. He is so tired all of the time tht he is hard pressed to find motivation to do that. The little bit of time he has free he usually just wants to sleep or relax here at home. The time he finds for us to spend actively together is usually spent grocery shopping or running around doing errands. He has made plans for us to DO something (movies, go out to eat, etc) but the always seem to fall through. I try my best to be understanding but I won't deny I feel resentment at times. He expresses resentment about lack of QT as well. There are only so many hours in a day though.

Now...on that last one. H's Guard unit is currently activated right now due to all of the flooding we are experiencing down here. He has been packing sandbags and/or stacking them since last Wed. He has his handheld HAM radio with him and contacts me several times a day just to talk and check up on me. Tonight he called me on the radio and said "Hon, I'm borrowing someones jeep and I'm coming home for a few hours to get cleaned up and to spend some time with you". He tried to do this yesterday but when he got home he had to turn around and go right back (phone call "return ASAP"). He got home tonight and ACTUALLY SPENT TIME WITH ME He got cleaned up and put in a movie and we chilled out together on the couch and watched it. I made him a salad to eat while he watched the movie (they have been feeding them a lot of fast food and it is making him feel pretty crappy) and we chit chatted a bit. It was really nice. he said if he has to keep doing the guard thing through the weekend he is going to tell them he HAS to have a day off so that he can take me to the grocery/shopping etc, and so we can spend a bit more time together. He said he explained our sitch to his 1st sergeant (I can't drive, my epilepsy, my being here alone) so it shouldn't be a problem. They told him they would work with him (hence letting him come home for a couple of hours tonight).

At least this tells me tht H has some of the same concerns tht I do regarding our time together. I will admit that sometimes I wonder about it.

Well, I have typed an encyclopedia so I probably shoudl sign off now. I'll get into the whole anger thing later. I also have to figure out how to handle H regarding the BB thing too

Thanks for listening/reading,
Zoo