What the hell am I doing????

[Zoo]

One thing I see as a BIG difference is that Kevin's W is on the BB POSTING. She is ACTIVELY seeking help and trying to change. She wants the same CHANCE that Kevin has asked her for time and again. The same chance that she has granted him time and again.

Yes, she has put him through the wringer. To hell and back would be an understatement. She has manipulated him and ground him down...done a lot of deceitful and nasty things but through it all he has made it perfectly clear that he loved her. That love has been his downfall as much as his strength because his need to express it undermined his DB'ing efforts a lot.

If his WAW was in the midst of a MLC though (which is something I have suspected for a while) then isn't what is happening now part of the process for her? In and out of the cave...consistently taking off on the alien mothership, vacillating back and forth on what she wants and doing a lot of really stupid, rude and mean things along the way? Kevin has pondered the MLC question too if i remember correctly.

His W has stated quite openly that she was at fault. That she was caught up in her own problems and pushed him away. How many of us have waited with baited breath to hear our WAS say those things? To admit the obvious that we have been seeing all along? How many have wished fervently that when their S finally woke up they would come to the BB of their own free will to try to right the wrong they have done?

I made a number of my statements after reading both he and his W's posts. Kevin fell in to a classic case of infatuation which has led him to an EA. He actively sought this out. He is the one who called the OW. He is the one who turned his phone off so his W could not bother him while he was having his "fun". He is still contacting this OW and attempting to maintain the EA...you don't have to physically be with a person for this, just the talking is enough. He wants to make this a PA if I am reading the posts right. He is doing all of the things that he has criticised his W for...the same things that brought HIM to this board in the first place. His postings read like he wants US to validate his justifications for becoming a WAS himself. I whould think the reason he is posting should be because he wants talked out of it.

A number of DB'ers end up having EA's. I had one myself. I didn't pursue mine the way Kevin is his...mostly becuae i didn't realize I was in one at first. Once I did realize it though...I knew it made me no better than my cheating H. I made a feeble attempt at justifying it to myself, much as Kevin is his. After all...my H was lying to me and treating me like crap. He was out having his fun while I was home still maintaining my role as wife. I was still cooking his meals and washing his clothes and picking up after him. He was still sleeping with someone else, going to parties and bars and completely shutting me out. Why shouldn't I get some of my own back even if it was only on an emotional level...right? My logic to dissuade myself was...why would I want to stoop to his level? What kind of example would that be? Wouldn't that in essence validate his justifications for doing what he was doing to me? Frankly...it made me ashamed of myself and I extricated myself from it.

I'd hate for Kevin to end up feeling the way I did. And it is inevitable once the glamour wears off. Just as it is for the WAS in the same sitch. No one benefits from it...it ends up being painful baggage that gets toted around for years.

I understand Kevins pain and what he has been going through. In the end the choice is his. I am NOT going to tell him that is is OK though, that he has been through the wringer and it's about time he get some of his own back. It would probably be different if he was actually separated or divorcing his W but that is not the case. He was working on his R up until a few weeks ago when a female caught his eye and was nice to him at a low point. Could you imagine what it would be like around here if every Db'er did that? Just gave in when someone treated them better than their WAS did? It'd get kind of stagnant around here wouldn't it.

Regards,
Zoo