What the hell am I doing????

[Zoo]

I think your little EA fling is the source of your confusion. After all...how could you enjoy someone else so much and STILL love your W...right?

You need to read DB/DR again...read the section about infidelity because I think that is where EA's are addressed as well. Read the whole book and look inside yourself while you are doing it.

I will tell you this Kevin...what you did on NYE WAS NOT OK. Everyone else might try to sugar-coat it for you but I won't. IT WAS WRONG...just as assuredly as your W dating and everything while you are together. Two wrongs do not make a right, I don't care how much you try to skew things to make yourself look the victim. Now you are trying to JUSTIFY your actions by saying you are confused. You are the one saying "I Love you but I am not IN love with you". Don't you remember how much that HURT every time you heard it? Just as your W had to finally take responsibility for her actions, you are responsible for YOURS. There is NO justification you can offer up for taking the vengeful route. NONE.

The two of you had reconciled and were attmpting to work things out...you know from your experience here that it is a hard row to hoe. You were excited by her deciding to try again. Apparently you didn't LISTEN though when you were cautioned about backsliding...on both sides. I can only think that you must have had some idyllic notion in your head that her decision to return meant everything would be perfect or just like it was BEFORE she took her ride on the alien mothership.

I would like to know how you maintained your goals. What solution-oriented actions did you take when things started to look a little rocky again? What NEW goals did you establish to continue to FEED your R? Did you start pursuit behaviours again? Did you start to become controlling again? Did you ultimately show her that the "changes" you had made were just changes of convenience in order to lure her back? You continue to lay the blame at her feet but we are all too aware that we ourselves are not entirely blameless. I'm just really curious about how much you reneged on from your end?

The thrill from the OW (yeah...you got one of those now) is just that...a cheap thrill, a brief burst of brightness at a moment when you are low, a little something different from the same-old, same-old. It isn't the beginning of something new and wondeful...it has no semblance to what you and your W have shared. It is a false moment of wonder in the midst of the storm. YOU KNOW THIS...that is what is so disappointing. You know it and yet you try to make it out to be something that it isn't. That is WHY it is called an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. It is feeding those emotions that you THINK are starving.

Why not give your W her chance to feed them instead? You bounced your head off of enough brick walls trying to get her to give you a chance. What suddenly makes it OK for you to become the WAS?

Zoo