What the hell am I doing????

[kevinlost]

W has been back to the same old routine since about mid october. back to dating, lying and such behind my back. She was on online personals ads and really getting out of control.
Well since before Christmas I have been working on myself and praying for peace in my heart. Well I finally came to terms with the end of my marriage on christmas day. I decided its time to move on and be happy. I have been miserable at home with the W. Even when we got back together in April, nothing really changed.
So anyways, I have a friend at the doctors office that I go to that has always been telling me to cheer up when she sees me. She lived by us in our apartments until December. but anyways I had confided to her about my problems a little.
To make a long story short. The day before New years I wasnt feeling good so I went to the doctor, but I had a change in me. I was smiling and flirting a little with the girls up there. Well my friend asked me what was up. And I told her that my marriage is over and I have come to terms with that and I am ready to live life again. Well she gave me her number and we ended up seeing each other on New Years night. I had a blast. She and I talked all night long. From about 7 till 4 am.. I smiled so much my face hurt. My SBTX got online that night and found her number on my cell records and called her. She freaked out. Called me. But I wouldnt answer. She text me all kinds of nasty things. I finally just turned my phone off that night. I came home the next day around 11:30 to my W crying and begging me not to leave her. Over the next two weeks she has begged and pleaded tried to use my son to keep me there. Finally she has allowed God into her heart and things arent so hard to deal with. She keeps pressuring me. Anytime she starts a R talk it turns into a yes or no answer. my way or the highway situation. It has gotten to the point that I dont want to be in our home. I look for excuses to just get out at night.
The situation with my friend has gotten complicated because my sbtx called her the weekend of new years against my wishes and my friend said she has been on her end and would stop all contact with me. She basically has too. I have talked to her occasionally on the phone but no more contact.
Right now I dont want to be married. I would have liked to have persued my friend but I didnt do things right. I see that. I know I should have moved out first. But I figured what the hell my W was doing the same thing. I figured it wouldnt be any big deal. I was just moving on with my life.
Now I am so confused and trying to re-examine my life.
After 3 years my w has finally woken up. But I am affraid its just too late. I dont love her anymore. I am ready to move out of our home, just to get some peace and time alone. Not to go after my friend. I am pretty sure she will never see me again. But just spending one night with her made me see how happy I deserved to be. She made me smile. We talked. We just had a great time together and a great kiss at midnight. Since that one date I have missed her. I have missed having someone to talk to.
The sad thing it took me dating for my W to wake up, but it also took dating for me to move on..
What the hell do I do??????