I really did not take any offense. I have been very foolish at the beginning not to jump to the occasion after the first MC session and he stopped everything after that. Once I got on bb (about a month into the whole bomb scene) I was the one who started to approach him and he was freaking out. At this point he initiates it again or I act AS IF and just mention that I"m frisky and see if he goes for it. If not - I don't pressure.
I really don't know what to think about him opening up to me - we are both trying to save the friendship aspect of our R and I just learned not to get my hopes up (since I detached and dropped the rope) and now I attribute it to more of the "friends sharing things" than to anything else. I know that the big thing in DBing is looking for positives no matter how small they are but honestly- I'm DBing for myself now and when it comes to the M- if it happens, it happens. Maybe it's not the best attitude but it works for me. It actually allows me to have many more "happier" days than I had in the past.
I'm going to catch up on your thread sun and see if I can offer any suggestions or point out the positives I know how it is when we get too close and feel as if we were hamsters in the cage scratching to get out.
Believe it or not, you seem to be in areally good place right now. You are right, you have to DB for you and no one else. That may be part of my problem I am still focusing on H....I know that for me right now I need H around so maybe my DBing is benefiting me...Enough about me. From your posts, you seem to have a good handle on everything that is going on, and there is nothing wrong with remaining friends after D. SOme people cant do that, but it is actually the mature way to handle it. You have a history that shouldnt be tainted by a messy divorce. I know that I cant tell a story without saying H's name, why because that is who I have spent the last 14 yrs of my life with...The same goes for you and for your H. Dont think that your name is not brought up in convos with his friends when he is recalling a situation. I am happy that you are doing so well...I remember your earlier posts and you have come so far and you should be proud of yourself. Friendship is the core of a marriage, so if you can be friends through all of this that is a HUGE positive.
I haven't posted on your thread (or anyone's) for a while, but I'm thinking you should change your screen name to ResilientNJ.
You're really doing well, and have achieved significant detachment. For this you should be very proud!!! You've also posted 4x as many posts as I have, in about 1/2 the time. You're good, girl!!!
I think your efforts to push the friendship aspect of your R is the right approach. Again, it's another thing you can control, which is the path to being healthy and happy.
Hang in there, Crushed / Resilient...you're doing great!!!
JPB, Thanks for words of encouragement. I definitelly feel much better about the place I'm in than I had in a long time. I still can't believe that I'm loosing a person that I thought was the love of my life but I guess I was wrong about what that R meant. I'm starting to think more and more about the single life and even though I'm still scared there is also a lot of anticipation in my thoughts.
kml, I see your point. So far he is taking the meds (3 days now?) and I hope he continues for his own sake.
sun, If I can get my feelings in check and be able to love his as a human being/friend only I really want to have him in my life. I'm a bit scared that once I move out/D is final he might still want to have occasional physical R - it often happens when there is so much confusion. I want to make sure that things are clear though - if he is planning on attempting to build a new R with possible re-marrying than we would have to start as a whole new couple - dating first and then progressing to being physical again. If he wants F only then there will be no sex (it will be damn hard because I crave him but I got to be strong so I don't do damage to myself...and him coming to think of it).
Last night before leaving for home I called to let him know I'm on the way, he told me that he picked up a stalker on his commute back from the city. Some big, scary guy has been following him for couple of months now when he gets to Port Authority. He is getting really nervous about it and he was sharing that with me.
Once I got home he took the car to go over to arts and crafts store, when he came back he told me that he had something for me - he picked up frames for my collage pieces - very sweet.
Before going to bed we talked a bit about my meeting at work that I'm having today (the future of my clinic will be decided soon), he said that if something drastic happens to give him a call - I'm not planning on doing it.
Read Cainercast for him and me, he appeared to think that his was right on the money.
Oh! I also have an appt with the original C (the one we went to for MC that I thought was a waste of time and now realized that she actually helped ME a lot so I'm giving it another try) for tomorrow AM. SBXH knows because she called to confirm it as he was sitting right next to me. No comments other than when I mentioned thinking about going back to her he said that he thought I didn't like her.
I cant comment enough on how under control I think you have things. You are really doing well, despite the mixed signals H gives. You know that you have to do what you have to do for yourself. I wish that I could have my H as a friend if D is in my future. But I dont think I can. Too many hurt feelings and continued lies. He still lies to me everyday and when I thought about it today, friends dont lie to each other so we cant be friends. Your spouse isnt supposed to lie to you either. I am such an honest person, that it is hard for me to digest all of this. But I dont know what my future holds with H, I still have to remain in contact with him because we have a daughter, but I fear that the constant contact with him will stop me from moving on. But you sound like you have thought this through and you know that if D is happening, you cant continue physical R with him if he has OW in his life. I am proud of the progress you made as I have followed your sitch and you should be proud of yourself. Give yourself a well deserved pat on the back. Sun
Thank you for such positive assessment. Unfortunatelly I'm not home free yet. I feel/know my SBXH is still lying to me despite the fact that I made it very clear that I'm ready for D to happen and whatever changes are happening with me are happening FOR me. He obviously is keeping up with OW (not as pursuing as he used to be but when the contact is made he lies about it or sneaks around -still) which I still find very disrespectful. It's literally just a matter of weeks and if he really isn't all that interested anymore in her as he says he isn't, then even more reasons to be able to put it on temporary hold or limit to work only (so it's not rubbed in my face - I still know it's happening though so I'm not in denial). I lost not only trust but also respect for him and continue to go on negative in that aspect instead of rebuilding it in order for frienship to actually be possible.
I really don't think he understands how his actions are affecting the outcome of our possible F relationship. Just as he was throwing at me the "time will tell" and "actions speak louder than words" when I asked him for another chance, he is not giving me the same treatment.
Well, such is life and it's a great unknown that we should be waking up greatful each day to discover. At this point I have a lot of pressing things at work to take care of (staffing changes that will happen next week as well as location change that will happen in the next couple of months) which helps me to detach myself even more so.
He seems to be rather supportive of what I'm going through work related but it actually makes me more furious because one of the things he brought up with MC was that I would come home and bitch and moan about my work and he just did not give a $hit at that point. Suddenly he is all concerned because whatever happens with me work related might affect where I'm going to end up living. I needed that support before just like he needed what he was expecting of me before. Is it too little too late for both of us? His favorite thing should be said right now "time will tell"
Well my H's favorite sayings are "I'm just not happy" and "I dont know" so in that respect I am sure that you and H have come along way. My H has been uttering those words for 9 months now like a broken record. Well I say, if you are not happy then do something about it...Dont keep dragging me into it, one day you love me the next you dont.
But you are right about the lies. If he continues to lie even if to spare your feelings, your friendship is tainted. A true friendship just like a marriage requries honesty. Believe me I battle with the lies my H tells everyday and question why I would want to fix something that he has such little respect for. I respect our marriage, as unhappy as I am right now, it does not give me the right to go find someone else. I would not do that...Even after our M ends (if that is what happens) I dont think I would be ready to jump into a R anyway. That is what I find so funny about it...My H claims he wants freedom, so why jump into R with a women who has 4 kids, that is not freedom. We have one child and even I can see the limitations it put on our freedom. But part of me realizes the R that my H jumped into is not real and he knows it on some level. They live too far away, and it is not a true R when you only see the person once every six months. But I guess that is what he wants, no daily crap, just fun and games.
I think that you are being very realistic at this point and know that the changes you have made maybe to try and save your marriage in the end helped you become a better you. That is commendable. I only wish I could come as far as you have come in this. I am not happy about the ending for you (divorce) but it aint over till the fat lady sings right?
I would be lying if I said that in the perfect world I would not want my M to work. But you're right. I came a long way and the way things are now there would be no way for this R to work if SBXH is going to stay the way he is. Even if he came home tonight and said that he is back in it would take a lot of work for my trust to be earned back. I gave me a lot of opportunities to show me that he can be trustworthy, I out right asked for particular things but he is not there yet and he might never get there.
I had a C session in the AM. It was with the same C we went for MC. She knew how I was then and when I spent 1.5 hrs with her (I know, she is great like that - she really will spend time, our first MC session was 3 hrs!) she said she was amazed how far I came and how different I was. She was very proud of me and told me that no matter what is the ourcome right now is my opportunity to learn and I seem to be doing just that.
Unfortunatelly when I came home I got a bill from the insurance and for some reason they denied payments for the MC sessions saying that she was not a provided.....I need to give them a call because she was listed on the insurance site. Anyway, I have an appt with her next Fri and if the insurance won't cover it I won't be able to keep it. It's just way too much money and being that I'll be on the single income again I won't be able to pull it off.
Well, it's past the time SBXH would normally call to say he is on the bus, I guess he won't be doing it anymore. Wonder if I should stop calling when leaving work myself. Common curtesy not returned or should I just act AS IF and keep doing it regardless until we are no longer under the same roof. Of course his cell could've died and all so benefit of the doubt will be given until proven otherwise. Time to read some more, the C said to keep doing it because it obviously helped me a lot. She also wanted to see some printouts from my journaling on the site....gotta do some editing about that huh? I've been really honest about things here and might be really embarassed to share it eye to eye. If I'll be able to go back that is.
I know how it is when we get too close and feel as if we were hamsters in the cage scratching to get out. 
If I'll be able to go back that is. 