Well I hope somebody got to enjoy some good liquor last night cous it certainly wasn't me! Here is how the story goes. Get comfy cous it's another long one.

One of my former patients stopped in just as I was ready to leave. We talked about R (hers, mine, in general) and before I knew it it was already past my closing time. I called him up to let him know I"m on the way - started to leave a voice mail as he picked up. Sounded really...angry? I just said I'm on the way and suddenly he is asking me about the 401K papers I borrowed from him to bring to my L. I told him where they were, he said he'll look, asked about dinner - I said that there are things in the fridge but I"ll be home soon so I can help him.


I get home and he is working on the side dishes and has very sour look on his face. I asked if there is something wrong, he said he is tired and it's just "more of the usual" (meaning the whole sitch - that's how he gets after digesting previous R talks). I asked him if whoever he is seeing (C or psychiatrist) is helping him, he said very much so and he actually just had an appt. I asked if he wanted to talk about it - he said that there is not much to talk because he talks about the sitch and I know it. He did mention though that he will be taking some meds - combo of anti depressant/anit-anxiety and increase in apetite thing (never heard of it but good luck!). He said he is supposed to be on it for 9 months but he does not want to be dependent on it. Instead of starting at 3 pills a day as directed he was told to start with one and then increase to two and stay at that.

So we get dinner ready - we area actually having good conversation about random things. As we are carrying it to the place where we will eat, his phone rings. And it's the ringer that is for restricted calls - that's how OW calls him. He did not hear it because he was aleady downstairs but I called his attention to it. He was racing up the stairs (almost broke his legs) to get it. Then he shot it off - I said that he could've gotten it - he said that he did not want to. Don't know what came over me but I kept pushing by saying :yeah, but you could've, maybe she was calling to thank you for the flowers.

He got piiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeed! At that point I told him that being we are working on friendship I decided that I want to be completely open and I expect the same from him. I already told him before that I want to be supportive of whatever he needs to do to make himself feel better and happy. I said I'm not going to be encouraging but I can be supportive. He kept trying to get me to drop it but I was too far. I said to him that I used to be hurt by him sneaking around, probably still will be and I would much rather have him be up front - it's not going to change our sitch but it will make it easier for me.

He told me that he did not pick up the phone because he was screening it - he wanted to eat dinner and then maybe call her back or not. He said she called last night as well and he did not pick up.

Next part of convo was on me being sneaky and secretive. I told him that I"m an open book and if he has anything to ask me to shoot cous I"ll tell him what he needs to know. He has problems with me leaving the room when the phone rings or typing away on the computer etc. I told him that I have friends with IM that I talk to , that I belong to on line support group for people going through D, that when the phone rings and I want to answer it I'm not going to be rude and stay next to him as he is watching tv because I know how much he hates that plus it's just rude period!

I told him that he doesn't need to sneak around with going outside in the cold to call her, the reason why I've been leaving the room suddenly is because I know he is/was answering her e-mails, I know he has her pictures on the computer (he did not comment on that one) etc.

Don't remember everything - there was a lot said by me and I felt like I told him all my feelings that's been in me since the whole thing started but he was closed off. He would not tell me more about his feelings and actions, he just said that before X-mas (from the moment of the bomb until going to see his family) he's been definitelly acting out on his need to be admired and wanted. Since coming back he re-evaluated his actions and he sees them in the whole different view. He would not go into details though.

He once again told me how much it hurt him that I was going to leave NJ to which I answered that I actually made up my mind and I"ll be staying for at least another 2 years. He was very happy about that, he said that he was scared I"m running away and that will repeat the same pattern later in my life (did he mean the pattern of our R?). I told him that the only reason I was going to move was to remove myself from being around him and from the environment that is tinted by pain right now. I would never go back to my previous ways because it's something (the change which BTW he kept telling me he sees in me a lot) that I'm doing FOR MYSELF and not him.

He told me that he has faith in our friendship and the only thing he has no faith in is our M. He kept being paranoid telling me that he thinks I'm manipulating him with some of my actions, that he thinks I'm still trying to have him change his mind. I told him that at the beginning I was pleading and begging and trying just that. At this point through my learning process I know that he will be the only one who has the power to change his mind and that for him to do.

Once again he told me about his numerous attempt to see if there is anything left in him when it comes to M and he keeps coming back empty. I just told him that it's the choice of either WANTING something to be there and then working on it or not. Having a fixed mind that it's not going to work but let me just make sure and peak my head inside is not going to work. Plus it took long time for him to loose that feeling, there is no way it's going to come back quickly and without work on healing the past.

We had a break for about an hour (I talked to my parents, he walked the dog, called OW?) and we were in bed -I was reading (I was upset from the phone convo - my grandma has been to the hospital, she is not doing well and she keeps talking about division of her goods and what dress she wants to be burried in) and he was calling it a night but this time he started the R talk again.

We talked more about trust and lack of it. He said he is showing me his trust by being my mentour in my art projects (which BTW mean a lot to him), I told him that I needed to regain that trust in him and that is why I wanted him to be honest with me about the past - told him again that I forgave him for everything and I needed that same forgiveness from him. He has hard time doing it. Don't know if he will ever.

Told him how much love I have in me that I discovered I was squashing under anger and bitterness that got into me in the past couple of years. I told him that before I never wanted to have kids and now I"m thinking several years down the road I could see myself having a child. That the love I have in me is so huge it would include childrend. I said that I am no longer afraid of having kids regardless if I'll end up having them or not.

Again, I was the one talking for most of the time, he was lying next to me with tears falling down his face. We finally turned in for the night and suddenly he said that he is so tired his thoughts make no sense. Here comes the punch line: he asked if I would go down on him! He cought me so off guard that I was laughing and asking when was the last time he washed down there. He said it's been couple of days (joking I hope). Well, needless to say we had a fun 30 min or so and ened up having sex the same we did last time when it was so amazing for him. I passed out right after I think cous next thing I remember was him leaving for work this AM.


Had the phone conference with both L and judge. Got time line down if the things are not simple. Looks like if I drag me feet I will be D exactly on Halloween. If we do it smoothly it might be as soon as the end of Feb. Next step is getting house appraised so we (my L and I) can answer his settlement proposal.


Any comments? I would hope so!