Here is the latest update. I continued to act AS IF for the rest of the day even though I was hurt. Couldn't fall asleep (neither could he) and I went down to get a shot of tequila. One of the cats was locked in his studio where the wine cabinet is and he must have knocked down my SBXH's work bag because there were some papers spilled out. I picked them up and was putting them away as I noticed a print out with the OW's name on it. Turns our he ordered her a big tropical flower arangement last week. It's not even the fact that he did that but that he used to send me flowers - always tropical arangements when he was courting me in the long distance relationship. I got so furious that I kept slamming the doors to the wine cabinet.
I guess he heard because when I came back upstairs he was waiting with the light on and asking if everything is okay. I did not want to blow up at him so I just kept saying "everything is fine" but was not able to keep the rage out of my voice. I got back in bed and turned off the lights - he kept asking what's wrong, I kept saying nothing. Finally I turned the light back on and asked him when he is planning to refinance the house since it will take a while to do it and I need to know the time frame. He got all angry about the fact that my L had the papers for a while (BS! He just got them mid last week!)and I need to agree to the terms before he can do anything. I said that since he is planning on having fun, buying furniture (I'm taking most of it) plus courting will also cost him money he should start working on it already regardless of how much the settlement will be. Then I said that I'm just disappointed in him that he couldn't be more original in sending the tropical arrangement since it's something he used to do for me.
He said it was nothing romantic, that OW had a surgery and that's why he did that. I said great! When I had my surgery last year I got NOTHING! He said he was there for me and being supportive (HE WAS MY H!!!!!!!!! OF COURSE HE WAS THERE!!!!!!).
The conversation continued on the subject of how much pain he has due to him going through rejection for 5 years (since I moved in), he said that his R with OW fizzled out really quickly (isn't that sad that he threw away the M for that? of course if what he says is actually true) that there was no substance.
He kept talking about the fact that he wants me to stay in NJ and local, that he wants to salvage the friendship. He said that he can't trust me or himself when it comes to anything more. That he keeps trying to see if there is a spark every time we get physical (I told him that as long as there is someone else in the picture there never will be anything because he is confused - that's when he told me about his R with OW not being romantic anymore).
Somewhere there I also said that I need to get tested by gynecologist becausee the trust was broken - he just kept shaking his head.
I don't remember everything from that convo, I just remember saying that as long as he cannot forgive me there cannot be friendship. He said that it's hard because he still hurts and he will be hurting for a long time. That he cannot trust me with his heart but can trust me with his time and companionship.
I know he also said at one point that he still loved me but I broke his heart and he cannot give me anything more but the friendship. I asked him for forgiveness again and said that there is nothing he's done that I can't forgive (yeah, Calystra's thread allowed me to express that) and I will support him in whatever he needs to do as well as I will try to be there for him as much as I can.
He kept being a victim - here I was pouring my heart to him and taking the blame for my actions, appologizing, trying to make sure that whatever happened in the past where he felt unloved, undesired was not something that he's done or should've felt that way - that it was me and that's something that he should not have gone through - that he did not deserve it. He just kept taking it all in and giving me nothing in return. I couldn't take it, I got up and took my pillow and blanket and went downstairs.
He came after me but all he said was - you can't be comfortble here, is there anything I can get you. I said no, he put another blanket on me and asked if I wanted him to leave. I did not answer and he left. After about 30 min I really did not get comfortable and decided to go back up. He did not say anything just made a room for me in bed.
This AM I hugged him on the way out and appologized for last night - he hugged me tight in return and said he was sorry too. He asked why I left the bed. I couldn't answer, he said he was unable to sleep either and he was considering going to the couch himself. He said he felt frustrated and I said it was the same reason for me.
So...yeah...sucked. I am meeting my L tomorrow to talk about settlement and once we agree on it - it shouldn't be much longer before D is final.
