I'm in the bizzare situation where even though I"m not the WAS I am the one expected to leave. My SBXH will be keeping the house for as long as he can and buying me out of it. That's the only reason why we are still under the same roof. In his mind the D is as good as done, just a matter of paperwork going through. There is no talk of working on M and seeing what happens - pretty much was never there despite the MC sessions (the initial two) where I thought he was giving me a chance. Turned out to be a lie on his part that he admitted at the last (fourth) MC session.
I really can't tell you how it feels to have him here because the question should be how it feels for having ME here. He's been waiting for me to move out since the beginning but he finally understood that I"m not stupid and will not make a move before financially protecting myself (getting the settlement agreement first).
My feelings fluctuate on that front. One day I'm glad I'm still under the same roof (especially the nights when there is some action ) next day I'm ready to leave it all and move because I can't deal with memories and reminders. Perfect example - he came from work and we ate dinner in his studio in front of the huge TV (he is keeping it since he's making the payments). Once we were done eating I stayed on the couch continuing to watch the show (it's an old episode of Monk and I'll actually go back to that one in a bit) and he started working on his freelancing. Once the show was over I was going to read a book - that is what I would do to feel that I"m close to him even when he is working - I would be on the couch reading and he will be working with music on. Of course suddenly it hit me that all those times I was doing that in the past (for the past year at least) he did not feel much for me - it just all started to feel like a big lie. I couldn't help but start crying, tears rolling down and me trying to be quiet about it so he won't see. I had to get up and leave because it was too much.
Now going back to the Monk and today's episode (old stuff). I haven't been watching that show regularly but I like what I see. The episode I cought today was bringing Monk back to his dead wife's parents and by that bringing him back to memories about his wife. For those that don't know, his wife died killed by a car bomb. It's been several years but he still loves her and still can't get over her death. He is in her parent's house and sees the door leading to her old room. He opens it and peaks inside but can't get in -too many feelings flooding him at the same time. He finally asks the mother how she survived. She answered him that she felt like she was burried alive. It lasted for over two years and then one day she woke up in the morning and made a choice/decision to give world another chance. Because the world is still beautiful. I started to get teary eyed after that (I know, I'm an emotional wreck!) and I thought to myself that I have to do the same. Hopefully it will take me less than 2 years before it happens.
) next day I'm ready to leave it all and move because I can't deal with memories and reminders. Perfect example - he came from work and we ate dinner in his studio in front of the huge TV (he is keeping it since he's making the payments). Once we were done eating I stayed on the couch continuing to watch the show (it's an old episode of Monk and I'll actually go back to that one in a bit) and he started working on his freelancing. Once the show was over I was going to read a book - that is what I would do to feel that I"m close to him even when he is working - I would be on the couch reading and he will be working with music on. Of course suddenly it hit me that all those times I was doing that in the past (for the past year at least) he did not feel much for me - it just all started to feel like a big lie. I couldn't help but start crying, tears rolling down and me trying to be quiet about it so he won't see. I had to get up and leave because it was too much.
