I like you am acknowledging my part in the breakdown of the marriage and you are right, his actions do not justify because you did not do something. It is all about choices. It sad that some choices can be so devastating and affect more than just one person.
I am glad that you are still so positive during all of this, I wish I was in a positive place right now as well. My sitch seems to be taking a turn for the worse. But I am here on the board trying to muster up the positive attitude I need to continue on. Just like you. My H like yours is still is at home but is now talking of leaving and it is very upsetting. How do you manage in the house with your H knowing that a D is in the works? I dont think I could handle that. There has been no talk of D on my end, just that my H is not happy and that he thinks he should leave. I'm hoping he wont, but part of me thinks that he really needs to leave to see what he will be missing. IN any event, I am glad that you are coping and working on you. We all have our faults and I am glad that you see that even tho you had faults in your marriage that it was not entirely your fault.
I'm in the bizzare situation where even though I"m not the WAS I am the one expected to leave. My SBXH will be keeping the house for as long as he can and buying me out of it. That's the only reason why we are still under the same roof. In his mind the D is as good as done, just a matter of paperwork going through. There is no talk of working on M and seeing what happens - pretty much was never there despite the MC sessions (the initial two) where I thought he was giving me a chance. Turned out to be a lie on his part that he admitted at the last (fourth) MC session.
I really can't tell you how it feels to have him here because the question should be how it feels for having ME here. He's been waiting for me to move out since the beginning but he finally understood that I"m not stupid and will not make a move before financially protecting myself (getting the settlement agreement first).
My feelings fluctuate on that front. One day I'm glad I'm still under the same roof (especially the nights when there is some action ) next day I'm ready to leave it all and move because I can't deal with memories and reminders. Perfect example - he came from work and we ate dinner in his studio in front of the huge TV (he is keeping it since he's making the payments). Once we were done eating I stayed on the couch continuing to watch the show (it's an old episode of Monk and I'll actually go back to that one in a bit) and he started working on his freelancing. Once the show was over I was going to read a book - that is what I would do to feel that I"m close to him even when he is working - I would be on the couch reading and he will be working with music on. Of course suddenly it hit me that all those times I was doing that in the past (for the past year at least) he did not feel much for me - it just all started to feel like a big lie. I couldn't help but start crying, tears rolling down and me trying to be quiet about it so he won't see. I had to get up and leave because it was too much.
Now going back to the Monk and today's episode (old stuff). I haven't been watching that show regularly but I like what I see. The episode I cought today was bringing Monk back to his dead wife's parents and by that bringing him back to memories about his wife. For those that don't know, his wife died killed by a car bomb. It's been several years but he still loves her and still can't get over her death. He is in her parent's house and sees the door leading to her old room. He opens it and peaks inside but can't get in -too many feelings flooding him at the same time. He finally asks the mother how she survived. She answered him that she felt like she was burried alive. It lasted for over two years and then one day she woke up in the morning and made a choice/decision to give world another chance. Because the world is still beautiful. I started to get teary eyed after that (I know, I'm an emotional wreck!) and I thought to myself that I have to do the same. Hopefully it will take me less than 2 years before it happens.
psluke Got nostalgic and wanted to revisit my old threads using your links. The first one "is it over" isn't working and instead is linking to msn site. Weird.
I'll definitelly give you my opinion on the book. I"m planning to take a hot bath and read it while in it. Hopefully it will make me feel better right away!
Having an emotional rollercoaster day and I run out of barth bags
Of course it got me back to the down when I started to read my first thread. I was so naive and I was so full of hope. Oh well, at least I survived and it's all because of this bb. Doea anyone know what happened to AJScott? He was one of the first ones that answered my post and because of him I got back into the sack with my SBXH - the best thing I've done in a long time. Him and BeingMe (who by the way moved to the piecing forum because she worked her little butt of and I'm extremely happy for her! ) coached me through that move and that was my first attempt at DBing - total 180 for me because I was the one who initiated sex and did not run at the first sight of rejection.
I've been snowed in for a day, getting a cabin fever and suddenly got really frisky. Decided to act AS IF and asked my SBXH if he was up for a little "action". He declined. Granted, he is busy working on his project (coming along really nicely, he's asking me for advice on it so it feels good) and when he is in "the zone" there is nothing else that exists.
Except that for a HD person I figured any time is a good time. Trying not to feel rejected because I changed the game plan by being the one who initiated where as I was going to be the one that responds from now on until our roads part. Of course on my first attempt I had to fail.
Not feeling frisky at all right now. Feeling more like crawling under the rock and dying. I'm sure that will pass too. After all I'm still breathing.
Hey don't worry if you got shot down Crushed. Like you said you know when he is in the zone, nothing else matters. As long as he is asking for advice or your opinion, he is not ignoring you, you get a chance to be of help, and if he finishes the project, he may have time to get frisky !! Till then clean a closet, pack a box, keep the hot chocolate comin', cause baby its cold outside.
Here is the latest update. I continued to act AS IF for the rest of the day even though I was hurt. Couldn't fall asleep (neither could he) and I went down to get a shot of tequila. One of the cats was locked in his studio where the wine cabinet is and he must have knocked down my SBXH's work bag because there were some papers spilled out. I picked them up and was putting them away as I noticed a print out with the OW's name on it. Turns our he ordered her a big tropical flower arangement last week. It's not even the fact that he did that but that he used to send me flowers - always tropical arangements when he was courting me in the long distance relationship. I got so furious that I kept slamming the doors to the wine cabinet.
I guess he heard because when I came back upstairs he was waiting with the light on and asking if everything is okay. I did not want to blow up at him so I just kept saying "everything is fine" but was not able to keep the rage out of my voice. I got back in bed and turned off the lights - he kept asking what's wrong, I kept saying nothing. Finally I turned the light back on and asked him when he is planning to refinance the house since it will take a while to do it and I need to know the time frame. He got all angry about the fact that my L had the papers for a while (BS! He just got them mid last week!)and I need to agree to the terms before he can do anything. I said that since he is planning on having fun, buying furniture (I'm taking most of it) plus courting will also cost him money he should start working on it already regardless of how much the settlement will be. Then I said that I'm just disappointed in him that he couldn't be more original in sending the tropical arrangement since it's something he used to do for me.
He said it was nothing romantic, that OW had a surgery and that's why he did that. I said great! When I had my surgery last year I got NOTHING! He said he was there for me and being supportive (HE WAS MY H!!!!!!!!! OF COURSE HE WAS THERE!!!!!!).
The conversation continued on the subject of how much pain he has due to him going through rejection for 5 years (since I moved in), he said that his R with OW fizzled out really quickly (isn't that sad that he threw away the M for that? of course if what he says is actually true) that there was no substance.
He kept talking about the fact that he wants me to stay in NJ and local, that he wants to salvage the friendship. He said that he can't trust me or himself when it comes to anything more. That he keeps trying to see if there is a spark every time we get physical (I told him that as long as there is someone else in the picture there never will be anything because he is confused - that's when he told me about his R with OW not being romantic anymore).
Somewhere there I also said that I need to get tested by gynecologist becausee the trust was broken - he just kept shaking his head.
I don't remember everything from that convo, I just remember saying that as long as he cannot forgive me there cannot be friendship. He said that it's hard because he still hurts and he will be hurting for a long time. That he cannot trust me with his heart but can trust me with his time and companionship.
I know he also said at one point that he still loved me but I broke his heart and he cannot give me anything more but the friendship. I asked him for forgiveness again and said that there is nothing he's done that I can't forgive (yeah, Calystra's thread allowed me to express that) and I will support him in whatever he needs to do as well as I will try to be there for him as much as I can.
He kept being a victim - here I was pouring my heart to him and taking the blame for my actions, appologizing, trying to make sure that whatever happened in the past where he felt unloved, undesired was not something that he's done or should've felt that way - that it was me and that's something that he should not have gone through - that he did not deserve it. He just kept taking it all in and giving me nothing in return. I couldn't take it, I got up and took my pillow and blanket and went downstairs.
He came after me but all he said was - you can't be comfortble here, is there anything I can get you. I said no, he put another blanket on me and asked if I wanted him to leave. I did not answer and he left. After about 30 min I really did not get comfortable and decided to go back up. He did not say anything just made a room for me in bed.
This AM I hugged him on the way out and appologized for last night - he hugged me tight in return and said he was sorry too. He asked why I left the bed. I couldn't answer, he said he was unable to sleep either and he was considering going to the couch himself. He said he felt frustrated and I said it was the same reason for me.
So...yeah...sucked. I am meeting my L tomorrow to talk about settlement and once we agree on it - it shouldn't be much longer before D is final.
) next day I'm ready to leave it all and move because I can't deal with memories and reminders. Perfect example - he came from work and we ate dinner in his studio in front of the huge TV (he is keeping it since he's making the payments). Once we were done eating I stayed on the couch continuing to watch the show (it's an old episode of Monk and I'll actually go back to that one in a bit) and he started working on his freelancing. Once the show was over I was going to read a book - that is what I would do to feel that I"m close to him even when he is working - I would be on the couch reading and he will be working with music on. Of course suddenly it hit me that all those times I was doing that in the past (for the past year at least) he did not feel much for me - it just all started to feel like a big lie. I couldn't help but start crying, tears rolling down and me trying to be quiet about it so he won't see. I had to get up and leave because it was too much.
and instead is linking to msn site. Weird. 
) coached me through that move and that was my first attempt at DBing - total 180 for me because I was the one who initiated sex and did not run at the first sight of rejection.