psluke

Did you read my post on PMA that I got from my BIG BOSS? I forwarded it to my other e-mail so I can always read it when I'm down. Coming to think of it I should just print it out and carry it with me.

I was doing some math this morning (actually more like early afternoon ) in shower - I'm 29 years old right now, how long will it take me to find someone that TRULY loves me and that I will be able to love? I'm trying to think how long it will take me to really get over my SBXH and then be able to allow myself to be vulnurable in another R. I always came across as one with lots of walls around and that stopped me from having too many Rs before I met my now SBXH.

At first I thought that I was hanging on to him because I was afraid that no one else will come along. Only after the bomb I understood how much I loved him. I'm coming from different culture and what I learned from my parent's R as I was growing up affected my M. I did not care for showing affection because I did not see my parents do it in their M. I just did not think it was necessary. It was that thought process of - I married you and that should mean I love you so I don't need to show you that love. I would catch myself thinking about showing affection, telling him how I loved him and I would have it at the tip of my tongue but would squash it down thinking it will make me look weak. I pride myself in being the TOUGH ONE and that's what killed my emotions.

I have learned so much since staring this process. My whole view of R and love and M changed - that's my biggest 180 that will never die. The problem is that I feel that I owe it to my SBXH that he knows it was not him who failed in getting me to do all those things (that's what would've made his bucket of love full) - I don't want him to feel that it was something about him that made me not show the affection.
But how am I supposed to do it at this point and not make him feel like I"m pursuing and pressuring? I started with the WOA and random hugs and of course sex. At this point I'm not doing it to get the M back - that's going to be his choice and we all know that WAS need to make it to have it last. I'm trying to undo the damage I've done and give him back the self esteem that I've been chipping away since we've met.

Whoa. That must have been the effect of Cal and Ceb's story. SORRY!