Okay, I've been crying on and off while reading Calystra's threads. I'm at the thread where her H joined her in posting. You can see how much they love each other and it's fear of unknown that keeps them apart, no longer the desire to sever the ties. What makes me cry at this point is that what used to resemble my situation no longer does.
I guess it's jealousy that they made it and I did not.
What's going on people? I haven't had an input on my sitch in a while...anybody out there? I know I gave up but I'm still puzzled by SBXH's actions and would love some interpretaitons...or just encouragement to keep going on....yikes....getting a bit depressed here. Gotta shake it off!
I'm always here lurking. I'm really quit jealous that you got some in the middle of the night. Every once in a while I'm getting some in the middle of the night and then I wake up. I'd almost classify them as nightmares.
It sounds like your SBXH is still confused. Don't want to give you false hope, I know you've been going through this for so long now, but there are still positive signs (flurtation) that he is interested.
Leaving work soon, will check in tonight.
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
You are doing great and it is very normal that you are going to have ups and downs.
It is a tough and emotional sitch you are in right now.
I think your H still very much cares, I don't know that he will stop the D but he is definitely confused sounding and seems to be interacting with you in a better way than he was before.
Keep up the good work.
{{{{{{{{{Crushed}}}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I agree with you - he is confused and he will not stop the D. I tried to clean up the house a bit and it breaks my heart knowing that it's really not my house anymore. I'm trying to picture my new place - I'm taking a lot of the furniture with me and it's going to make it hard because it will still feel like his ghost is with me. We had such a good life together and it's hard to belief that it ended way before I got clued in. With winter and the first major storm coming I can't stop but going back in the memory to the last big storm when I thought I had all I ever wanted - great H, great house, great pets, great job. Everything was great and yet it wasn't.
Well, I probably should start reading those books I got today. I will start with Mars and Venus starting over because I need some assurance that my life without him will be good.
Did you read my post on PMA that I got from my BIG BOSS? I forwarded it to my other e-mail so I can always read it when I'm down. Coming to think of it I should just print it out and carry it with me.
I was doing some math this morning (actually more like early afternoon ) in shower - I'm 29 years old right now, how long will it take me to find someone that TRULY loves me and that I will be able to love? I'm trying to think how long it will take me to really get over my SBXH and then be able to allow myself to be vulnurable in another R. I always came across as one with lots of walls around and that stopped me from having too many Rs before I met my now SBXH.
At first I thought that I was hanging on to him because I was afraid that no one else will come along. Only after the bomb I understood how much I loved him. I'm coming from different culture and what I learned from my parent's R as I was growing up affected my M. I did not care for showing affection because I did not see my parents do it in their M. I just did not think it was necessary. It was that thought process of - I married you and that should mean I love you so I don't need to show you that love. I would catch myself thinking about showing affection, telling him how I loved him and I would have it at the tip of my tongue but would squash it down thinking it will make me look weak. I pride myself in being the TOUGH ONE and that's what killed my emotions.
I have learned so much since staring this process. My whole view of R and love and M changed - that's my biggest 180 that will never die. The problem is that I feel that I owe it to my SBXH that he knows it was not him who failed in getting me to do all those things (that's what would've made his bucket of love full) - I don't want him to feel that it was something about him that made me not show the affection. But how am I supposed to do it at this point and not make him feel like I"m pursuing and pressuring? I started with the WOA and random hugs and of course sex. At this point I'm not doing it to get the M back - that's going to be his choice and we all know that WAS need to make it to have it last. I'm trying to undo the damage I've done and give him back the self esteem that I've been chipping away since we've met.
Whoa. That must have been the effect of Cal and Ceb's story. SORRY!
Yes, I read it and had seen it before, it is awesome isn't it?
Cal has had a good effect on you.
I think it is cool that two years after she posted her threads are still helping people.
You can't make another person do or not do anything. So he really shouldn't view it as his fault that you didn't show love and affection.
When a relationship fails both people are at fault. It is the interaction dynamics that you both get into and possibly choose to continue but one of you can't really make the other act a certain way.
He had some choices to make as well and to seek another R isn't the way to deal with R problems in the marriage. It just totally clouds and complicates the issues at hand.
I speak from experience on both sides of this coin so I hope that helps you some.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
psluke
I know it takes two. I'm just learning more and more when I went wrong. I'm not kidding myself and trying to pass the blame on him since he is not here to defend himself. I know there is plenty that he could've done and I know what he did do cannot be justified with any excuses and classified under - I did this because you did not do that. That's all about the choices we made. I am just acknowledging that I made some poor choices myself.
I'm still going to read that book to make me feel better. I also want as much guidance to make wise choices in the future. I'm sure I'll make mistakes - that's the name of the game which is life. But again, I want to learn learn learn!
Okay, SBXH called 20 min ago and he is on the way (first bus was a no show so he'll be home later than usual). I asked him if he was hungry - he said he was starving. I'm going to be a good STBXW and go get started on dinner
) in shower - I'm 29 years old right now, how long will it take me to find someone that TRULY loves me and that I will be able to love? I'm trying to think how long it will take me to really get over my SBXH and then be able to allow myself to be vulnurable in another R. I always came across as one with lots of walls around and that stopped me from having too many Rs before I met my now SBXH. 
