Sportster

I think my mental mind set is that I know the D is coming because my SBXH really wants it. I can't be scared of that thought because it will inprison me and it will make me go mad. If I'm scared I will not be able to be happy, not be able to work on myself because all of my thoughts would revolve around the D and SBXH. That's why I chose to let it go and give up. Now when I say "give up" I think I mean give up the idea of that it will work out 100%. Like I said, I am still DBing and that automatically makes me hopeful that things might turn around. But I no longer hold my breath and jump in joy at every sign (big or small) that it will and no longer go insane and cry after finding out that it will not (his constant contact with OW is still present).

When it comes to my SBXH turning to me and saying that it was a huge mistake and he wants me back - well, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned counceling. I was thinking about it yesterday after reading a bit more of Calystra's posts and I know that it would be THE ONLY WAY that I would/should consider making it work. Of course I would love for him to love me again and dropping the D but without hard work how long do you think it would last before it would turn right back to where we came from? I am not the same person anymore and neither is he. We would have to see if we are even still compatible current feeling aside and then do a "test period" to make sure that it's not just the desire for things to be "back to normal" that fools us into thinking that we can do it.

Now here on a different note. The phone conference I had yesterday at work put me in an interesting situation. My clinic has been profitable for the company last year but the last couple quarters were actually on negative (the first part of the year made up for it though). The company is trying to be proactive and wants to prevent it from happening in this new year. We are in the good location but the lease is up at the end of the May and we pay A LOT OF MONEY for the small space plus I know I'm overstaffed when it comes to support staff. So, I will either have to fire people, move to different location or both. Or they might close me down for all that I know.

When I came home my SBXH had a friend over and after about 30 min another friend came by. I was upstairs because I thought it would have been akwards since both of those guys know the situation but I got hungry and went to the kitchen just as they were all leaving. Turns out that SBXH did not even know I was home and seemed appologetic because of that akwardness. After walking the friends out he came up (I was on line and eating plus drinking a glass of wine) to appologize for not seeing me earlier (who cares?). He also asked about my day at work and thanked me for buying the pain he needed (he e-mailed me about it at work earlier on ).

I told him that I found out some interesting news that might help me make a decision about where I'm going to end up after the D is over (I begin to think I like torturing him with the thought that I will not be around because I know how much he wants me to stay local - that's pretty much the only thing I know he wants 100%, oh yeah, and the D). He was curious and I told him but scewed the info to make it look more like that they will be closing my clinic down. I know, I know, bad crushed!

He was sad for me, asked when I will know, I said pretty soon because it's a pressing issue. Anyway, we eventually got ready for bed (he kept saying over e-mail how tired he is and how much he needs to catch up on sleep), read for a bit and turned off the lights at around 10:40pm. I was dozing off when suddenly he started tossing and turning and suddenly he asked me if I was asleep. I said no (by this time he totally woke me up). I asked him what's wrong, he said that he was sleeping and suddenly he woke up and now is feeling frisky. He actually has this tremendous urge to go down on me.. (good thing I took a shower before getting in bed ). I asked him what is he going to do about it, he said that if I take off my pj's...(pause) I said and then what? He said..then I'll go down on you. And he did. And it felt great! When he was done I said that it was unexpected and what could I do for him. He asked me to surprise him. And I did... So we ended up having sex in a new position that came out of nowhere and which must have been great for him because he was done very quickly and powerfully and even said that usually he tries to hold off for longer but it was just feeling amazing. I smiled, said thank you and we both collapsed. He was brushing my hand and arm lying there and went to get us something to drink. When we got ready for bed again and turned off the lights I leaned over, kissed his chick and said that he was amazing. He said "I know" and giggled. I thought to myself, yeah, thanks, me too.

Yeah, very interesting turn of events except that it's still leaving me clueless as to where his mind is and what he thinks. I'm just taking it easy for the rest of the weekend. It's my day off, I"m going food shopping preparing for the major snow storm, getting some good books, DVD's and hybernating. As he was leaving for work I asked him how he felt, he said still tired, I said that he can sleep over the weekend since we'll be snowed in, he said he'll have to work (he had a hint of laughter in his voice when he said it, sounded a bit flirtatous) I said he should alternate work and sleep - he said he will think about it (again, flirtatous). That was all folks!