I've read on other threads that it is beneficial to poke your head up every now and again, make contact and measure the result. Almost seems like temperature taking to me, but only through trying new things and seeing what works can we make progress. I really don't think anyone envisioned DBers staying completely dark for months, if not years, without looking for some feedback.
Like all things DB, we need to be patient and observe the results of our efforts. I don't believe we should jump at the first opportunity for contact with an overeagerness that could drive the WAS away again. We need to take it slow, try new things, drop what doesn't work and most of all be a true friend with our S. Obviously, some contact is necessary for us to remain friends. Darkness, however, plays a role in relieving the WA's stress and giving them time to work through deciding what they want.
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
For the life of me I can't remember where I read it (it might have been one of Calystra's posts that I'm currently reading -she is a queen of DBing and she is my reading material right now) but someone compared going dark to the garden that we plant - we don't go into it and pull out new plantings to see how the roots are - that would kill them. We just wait patiently observing from afar, feeding when necessary (ocasional contact back after they contact us first) until whatever we planted (our love for them to love us back) blooms.
She also compared DBing to looking at our spouses standing at the cliff waiting to fall back into our arms. We can't push them (we won't be there to catch) but we can chip away at the cliff until they fall off.
Of course, for me at this point it's just about peace of going through with D and healing from the pain it is bringing and will continue to bring. But I thought I'll share the wisdom I found was keeping me going when I was still actively working on saving the M.
I am getting on this way too late to make much of a difference in what you decide to do but I agree with Shawnl and not sending a text back to him even though it probably will kill you not to. You have been killing yourself wondering what he is doing take this opportunity to turn the tables on him a bit. I think it will end up helping you out in regards to how you feel about yourself, it gives you a little control in the sitch. I am not the wisest one on this thread so what I say might not make much difference but I still hope that it does.
Crushed,
Quote: She also compared DBing to looking at our spouses standing at the cliff waiting to fall back into our arms. We can't push them (we won't be there to catch) but we can chip away at the cliff until they fall off.
I don't think most of us have really put a visual to what we are trying to do. That quote makes a lot of sense in what we want to accomplish. Thank you for putting that on here. I hope that you find yourself in a much better place within yourself soon. I haven't had much input on your sitch but I feel for you and for what you have been going through. Your H doesn't know what he is missing.
Thank you. At this point I feel that all I need is encouragment and assurance that no matter what life will turn out good for me.
Interesting thing - I'm going to spend V day with my parents in Chicago and I decided that while there I'll revisit the psychic my mom and I went to after my brother passed away. A lot of things she told me were true (past and future) or came true, unfortunatelly she also told me that my SBXH and I will have kids and move to warmer state within the next 2 years plus that it will be me who has an affair about 6-9 years down the road now. Obviously that's not going to happen although she did say my marriage was in trouble (that was the time when H was starting to pursue OW and I had no clue). Anyway, I was afraid that I won't get to see her because she's been silent for a while (a lot of people my parents know tried to schedule appts with her and she did not get back to them) and just today I got a phone call from her and she'll see me on the day that I fly in. It's weird - I know I shouldn't bet my life on what she has to say but it's a form of therapy for me. She helped me when my brother died (when dealing with his death) and I hope she'll help me dealing with the D.
I did send the exact message I posted here. I have not heard anything further.I waited till 2pm like I said so that was 3 hours (which as you all,know was a MAJOR thing for me to do) I did go to the courthouse today to get another set of D form papers. The ones I have are getting ratty cause I take 'em with me everyday.I found out that once you file you have to schedule the hearing,and they only hear 6-7 cases a day, but once you go to the hearing the divorce is final that day.
Anyway, I did what somone suggested in one of the posts,I saved H's text message, so whenever i feel the need to see one from him, I can go to that. And (depending on the circumstances)the next time i get a text , I will ignore it,and see what happens. I am usually in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation with him, if I DON'T call he'll use it against me , if I do call him first he'll think its pressure/guilt. I have been really good about NOT contacting him. I did think it was funny that he wrote "is been a while since I talked to you". We spoke for 8 minutes on 1/12 , and I had seen him on 1/10 . Yet previously we went 25 days with no contact!! I think I am going with Molliew on this cause I had the exact same thought as soon as I read the text- he and OW are having a bad day, and gee I wonder if Sportster is still around. I know he had to increase his minutes to 1500 cause OW phone got smashed by her H. His calls to me are text or less than 8 minutes now. He probably needs to conserve the minutes so she can yammer at him. He is getting really busy he said last time, so hopefully she will be a major pain in the ass to him real soon!
I am having company all this weekend. My best friend from Colorado is coming to town, and I am cooking dinner Friday for her/hubby, and my sis/ Bil. We'll do something on saturday, and Sunday as well. H really likes my friend and her H , and I know if I told him he would definetly feel left out. That's ok by me.
Thanks to all for replying, I count on all of you so much for my sanity these days. I know I gotta get a grip. I used to be a strong person. This has really kicked my butt. If he was gonna call, it would be about 9pm. I'll let ya know if that happens. Hey, I can dream, right????
(((Sportster))) Babe, it's okay that you sent that text. It's something you felt you needed to do and now it's in the past. Next time it happens you'll know what to do because now you will know his reaction to it (or lack of thereof- whichever comes).
I'm still trying to figure something out. I keep thinking about my SBXH talking about actions over words, time will tell etc. I am starting to think that he wants the D to happen because it will be the ultimate test at this point. If I am able to stay friends with him after the D is final, that means I really do want him in my life and he can trust me again? That's just something that popped in my head after reading a lot of Calysta's posts and having flashbacks (her story is SO similar to mine except that they separated much sooner). I'm going to go back to reading her posts and seeing where it will lead me.
I think he knows by now that you want him in your life Crushed. A divorce would be a pretty big expensive test. Although some spouses are not above that kind of behavior, and some actually feel a D is needed to kill the "old" relationship. I know I keep hearing you saying you are ready for this and looking forward to a new life, but I also know you are sad this is going this way, and like me, if your H came to you and said this was a huge mistake, and would go to counseling, you'd try again. Having been through this once before, i can't say it easier the second time. Maybe cause its from the same person, and I thought it would be forever. I read in Dear Abby the other day about a couple who divorced twice, and were about to be married a third time.So, you never know. Do you think you'll be able to maintain the friendship? Do you plan on seeing each other often? What happens when you meet someone else(you will you know, you are a nice person, and once this is done, with your personality you will meet someone!) One of the things I was told recently was that if I were the new person in H's life would I want his x-wife calling or seeing him regularly? We don't have kids, so there is no reason to, other than we have almost 30 years together. Some people I know who are divorced still love each other but simply could not be together 24/7. I don't think my H is gonna keep in touch after th D this time. He seems to be getting better at distancing all the time. And I am sure OW will make sure to do her part in the "no contact zone". Bottom line is, divorce just means you are not married anymore. It doesn't mean you can't be friends, lovers, or even remarried to each other at some point in time. He isn't gone yet, and if you still wanna try -do it. H never called tonight, but I was really hopin he would. Wonder if he and OW kissed and made up....
I think my mental mind set is that I know the D is coming because my SBXH really wants it. I can't be scared of that thought because it will inprison me and it will make me go mad. If I'm scared I will not be able to be happy, not be able to work on myself because all of my thoughts would revolve around the D and SBXH. That's why I chose to let it go and give up. Now when I say "give up" I think I mean give up the idea of that it will work out 100%. Like I said, I am still DBing and that automatically makes me hopeful that things might turn around. But I no longer hold my breath and jump in joy at every sign (big or small) that it will and no longer go insane and cry after finding out that it will not (his constant contact with OW is still present).
When it comes to my SBXH turning to me and saying that it was a huge mistake and he wants me back - well, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned counceling. I was thinking about it yesterday after reading a bit more of Calystra's posts and I know that it would be THE ONLY WAY that I would/should consider making it work. Of course I would love for him to love me again and dropping the D but without hard work how long do you think it would last before it would turn right back to where we came from? I am not the same person anymore and neither is he. We would have to see if we are even still compatible current feeling aside and then do a "test period" to make sure that it's not just the desire for things to be "back to normal" that fools us into thinking that we can do it.
Now here on a different note. The phone conference I had yesterday at work put me in an interesting situation. My clinic has been profitable for the company last year but the last couple quarters were actually on negative (the first part of the year made up for it though). The company is trying to be proactive and wants to prevent it from happening in this new year. We are in the good location but the lease is up at the end of the May and we pay A LOT OF MONEY for the small space plus I know I'm overstaffed when it comes to support staff. So, I will either have to fire people, move to different location or both. Or they might close me down for all that I know.
When I came home my SBXH had a friend over and after about 30 min another friend came by. I was upstairs because I thought it would have been akwards since both of those guys know the situation but I got hungry and went to the kitchen just as they were all leaving. Turns out that SBXH did not even know I was home and seemed appologetic because of that akwardness. After walking the friends out he came up (I was on line and eating plus drinking a glass of wine) to appologize for not seeing me earlier (who cares?). He also asked about my day at work and thanked me for buying the pain he needed (he e-mailed me about it at work earlier on ).
I told him that I found out some interesting news that might help me make a decision about where I'm going to end up after the D is over (I begin to think I like torturing him with the thought that I will not be around because I know how much he wants me to stay local - that's pretty much the only thing I know he wants 100%, oh yeah, and the D). He was curious and I told him but scewed the info to make it look more like that they will be closing my clinic down. I know, I know, bad crushed!
He was sad for me, asked when I will know, I said pretty soon because it's a pressing issue. Anyway, we eventually got ready for bed (he kept saying over e-mail how tired he is and how much he needs to catch up on sleep), read for a bit and turned off the lights at around 10:40pm. I was dozing off when suddenly he started tossing and turning and suddenly he asked me if I was asleep. I said no (by this time he totally woke me up). I asked him what's wrong, he said that he was sleeping and suddenly he woke up and now is feeling frisky. He actually has this tremendous urge to go down on me.. (good thing I took a shower before getting in bed ). I asked him what is he going to do about it, he said that if I take off my pj's...(pause) I said and then what? He said..then I'll go down on you. And he did. And it felt great! When he was done I said that it was unexpected and what could I do for him. He asked me to surprise him. And I did... So we ended up having sex in a new position that came out of nowhere and which must have been great for him because he was done very quickly and powerfully and even said that usually he tries to hold off for longer but it was just feeling amazing. I smiled, said thank you and we both collapsed. He was brushing my hand and arm lying there and went to get us something to drink. When we got ready for bed again and turned off the lights I leaned over, kissed his chick and said that he was amazing. He said "I know" and giggled. I thought to myself, yeah, thanks, me too.
Yeah, very interesting turn of events except that it's still leaving me clueless as to where his mind is and what he thinks. I'm just taking it easy for the rest of the weekend. It's my day off, I"m going food shopping preparing for the major snow storm, getting some good books, DVD's and hybernating. As he was leaving for work I asked him how he felt, he said still tired, I said that he can sleep over the weekend since we'll be snowed in, he said he'll have to work (he had a hint of laughter in his voice when he said it, sounded a bit flirtatous) I said he should alternate work and sleep - he said he will think about it (again, flirtatous). That was all folks!
Thank you girl for stopping by! I'm definitelly getting a lot out of Calystra's posts. I'm actually thinking about e-mailing her with some questions since I really find a lot of similarities in our sitchs. Thank you for the praises - I am so happy that I'm doing it for myself - before, when I started DBing my only goal was to win back my H. But that's not what it's all about! I"m glad I understood it and can concentrate on myself.
because now you will know his reaction to it (or lack of thereof- whichever comes). 
He actually has this tremendous urge to go down on me..