psluke I'm definitelly experiencing the joy of sex and I just feel like kicking my butt for not breaking though that barrier earlier. I would've been such a happy person and would probably avoid being in the situation I am in now. But, as I said before 'better late than never'. Despite my SBXH saying "it's all wasted" - yeah, maybe my M was in terms of what it was supposed to be (on different levels) was technically wasted, but the experience, the love I felt and found out I had in me, the deep search that I would've NEVER gone for if it wasn't for that sitch, that was all worth it. Cruel and bitter life lesson but boy have I learned....
Hey crushed, you sound like me! I learned all my lessons the hard way, but I DID learn 'em!!! How are you and H feeling today (no pun intended...) I am GREEN with envy at your connection these last two days. You are definetly handling it well. Keep up the good work. I am kinda sad today, cause I found out my MIL and SIL kinda lied to me. I am hurt,but I am not mad at them cause I know they did it cause they care about me (at least I hope thats why. If you think differently,PLEASE tell me. ok?) Remember I said that I was all happy cause H was gonna spend NYE and NYD with family and not OW?. Well, I called SIL and she was not there last night. Her H wishes me happy new year, asked what I did with myself on NYE. I told him went to dinner with my sis and BIL , kisses at midnight, went to bed. He says hey, thats what we did me SIL and MIL went to dinner, played cards, went to bed at 12:05. WHOA!!! I said "Oh, H didn't go with you?' "Nah, he came the next day". My heart fell to my feet. I asked MIL and SIL on their visit here what they did for fun on NYE they did say the same thing dinner, cards bed. When I asked "H played cards??" (my H is NOT a game player ) they said "well what else was there to do till midnight". And i asked them how H made out sleepin in the same room with nephew they said they managed. OK, heres where I feel weird. I know I lied and held the secret about my A, cause I did not want to hurt H AND cause I felt we were even after his A, so why go down that road. I know I was never ever gonna handle our problems or myself like that again. I know that people who really KNOW me know I do not lie as a rule.They know how much I loved/love H. And because they know HIM so well, they saw how that A could have happened to me. ANYWAY...I cannot be mad at MIL and SIL cause I KNOW they knew I would be devestated and it would ruin my NYE and NYD even worse than it already was if I knew H was kissin (or whatever) OW at midnight. I don't know what they actually did, but I am still upset. I know its not a big deal, hey- He IS with her now, and I gotta expect they will do holidays. I imagine they went somewhere all dressed up. We NEVER went anywhere on New years for alot of years cause its usually amatauer night and we liked to stay off the roads. I HATE THAT HE IS WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did also talk to MIl and SIL (seperately) and it seems they are still both pulling for me,MIL said so, but now I know they know more, and can't tell me. But SIL is still on my side I guess, she says she hopes her brother gets his ass burned a few times, thinks this OW is already lying to him. and they both can't picture H as a father figure to her kids. MIL was ticked off at him cause she asked him to call when he got home (she worries when he drives bike) and he NEVER called her.I tried to explain that H may be happy with this life, and there is nothing I can do about it. SIL says he is still gonna go through with D. Well today MIL calls me at work to tell me H FINALLY called her last night after we hung up. Its been 16 days since he talked to her! She said she wanted me to know in case I talked to h so I wouldn't say call your mother. I said don't worry, he's not callin me, and he doesn't like to be told what to do, and thats really SIL place to do that now, i guess. H has a whole new life and it doesn't include me. Sorry to whine, and I guess it wasn't that big a deal, but it was to me.
Well, just like the fat years after lean years is true, so is the opposite. Last night I took the syrup again (so did my SBXH) and it did a number on me. I just couldn't sleep, kept itching, my SBXH was annoyed at me that when I wanted to snuggle I would get him overheated (in the temperature way, not emotional), that I would make a lot of noise tossing and turning and he couldn't sleep either. He had some nightmares about his friend that supposedly was in Thailand during Tsunami and he still doesn't know how to find out if he is okay and the dream was about him being dead. I tried to talk to him about maybe just going on some board where they list the names of the victims if it bothers him so much (duh! he has nightmares about it since he doesn't know what's going on) but he just brushed it off. I gave him a squeeze on the arm, he thanked me for the hug. It was like 2 am and we were both tossing and turning (he did not mention anything about sex and I did not want to come across as using him so I didn't either) and finally I said to maybe just take a shot of tequila and that would help him sleep. We both took a shot, He still tossed and turned, I finally said - if you want a quicky I'm up for it. He declined.
Finally I guess we fell asleep but when he woke up this AM to go to work (it's my day off) he said he was really tired when I asked him how he felt. He is staying in the city longer meeting up with buddies for the "Geek night" (going to the movies to see Electra) so he'll be home late (hopefully he remembered to take his key with him this time ).
So, just like you called it - he is withdrawing again. It's okay, the syrup made me itchy and stay up but it also made me feel happy. I was lying there in a bed smiling thinking about how excited and curious I am about my future, that I will be happy and it's just a matter of believing in it.
Now when it comes to your IL situation. I have no contact with my IL's. They don't call me, when they want to talk to SBXH they call his cell phone so that I would not by any chance pick up the phone and so they wouldn't have to talk to me (that's my take on it). Even when we were "happily married" they would only call like once every couple of months...but now it's a different situation. I am disappointed in them for many reasons and unfortunatelly the silence only adds to that disappointment.
I think you are lucky that your IL's show you support. They don't want to hurt you with details that would plant ideas in your head and let your immagination run wild. Did they tell you H was spending the NYE with them or was it your assumption or your question to them? It's different when they say a lie and little different when they make it up in response to your inquiry. I do feel that it was nothing done out of spite for you - only out of love and concern.
It's great you had some closeness with SBXH over the past few nights. I'm jealous! It's such a shame that your H can't see the sensitive caring person we have seen grow on this board. This is his loss and you will do fine. Keep up that PMA and keep getting some while ya can! LOL.
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
I have had a similar experience with my In Laws over the last few weeks.
I found out my WAW has been seeing OM since a few weeks before Christmas, all that time my MIL was telling me that she thinks we will get back together and that my W had told her that she doesn’t think OM is the answer, etc, etc. She would then relay this info to me as she wants us to get back together, she lights two candles each day for us and prays, etc, etc.
She hasn’t so much as told lies as bent the truth to keep me hanging in there!! When my W wanted me to come round and spend Christmas day with them, my MIL told her it wasn’t fair bringing me round when she was seeing the OM, I didn’t find out about the OM until 3rd Jan!! I should get angry at her knowing, but I realize she was trying to do what she thought was in the best interests of us getting back together.
I do believe that my In Laws are all rooting for me and care a lot for me as I think they do in your sitch. Remember though that blood is thicker than water and that they will always do what’s best for there sons or daughters interest. My In Laws tell me they would never accept this OM into there house, etc, etc. But over time these feelings subside.
I am trying to cool the contact with my in laws now as I don’t want to put them in a position where they have to lie, better to stay dark from them as much as possible.
They do care about us, but remember the Blood being thicker than water statement when dealing with them.
I’m sure that like me Sportster, you see the contact with your In Laws as a route to your H. Just don’t let your H see it that way!!
Its a nightmare we are in and its not our In laws doing either, they are just trying to keep both of you happy !!
Good point, definitelly true in your and sportster situations but not mine. My MIL as well as FIL lied to me about not knowing that my SBXH was heavily involved (even if it's just an EA) with OW from work. That was not the point though - what disappointed me was the fact that several days before them telling me all that, MIL requested a PICTURE of OW to be e-mailed to my FIL's e-mail account. I think that crossed the line. It's different knowing about and not talking (yeah, they probably did not want me to hurt, they wanted to probably give me an illusion that there is still hope) but requesting infor and visual aids on someone that is replacing the WIFE of their son (step son for my FIL) is just too much, too disrespectful, too messed up IMHO.
I have great IL's but like PHM said, it is hard for them and blood is thicker than water. Ever since this started, my IL's have been supportive. They invite me to family gatherings, have me over to dinner, look for me at church, etc. Of course I am the mother and physical guardian of the only grandchild (well there are a few step-grandchildren who are great). My MIL said that I will always be family and that she loves me. So did my one SIL. I don't know about the other because we are not that close and she lives eight hours away. Although when I saw her during Thanksgiving break, she gave me a big hug.
My MIL just told me last week that I am a trooper and no one should have to go through what I went through. That made me feel good. She knows how I feel, her H (my H's dad) had an affair and they separated. They are still married although haven't been together for over twenty years. I don't plan on being married to H if he doesn't want to be together after at least a year or two.
My BIL who is married to my H's sister has been married before. He was also a LBS. He has three children (the step-grandchildren I was referring to before). At the beginning he told my H that he did not know what he was getting in to and that he was wrong.
Before I left for the Christmas holidays, my BIL asked me if my H was acting any better. I told him basically no. I told him that my H was sure that no matter who I married again in the future, my H would be the father my son knew. My BIL (a devout Christian) said bullsh**t. He said that since our son was so young (18 months), and if I moved away, my H was fooling himself into thinking so.
He said his ex-wife now regrets her decision. She is also remarried. He said he went kicking and screaming from his first marriage but now he has a better life with his new wife (my SIL). He said that my H will realize what he did wrong and he will be right there to say "I Told You So". Kind of nice to have someone on your side like that.
My MIL and SIL still have hope. I am sure they also know more than they are telling but my H hasn't really been open to them either so I think the best thing to do is go a little dark with them. I can't tell my MIL or SIL anything without my H finding out about it. They don't do it maliciously but my air of mystery is somewhat dissipated because of it. Especially since they are my primary babysitters!!
P.S. It still makes me feel good to go over to my MIL's house and see all our wedding pictures up. At least she hasn't given up faith in us.
Looking back on the convos about NYE, my SIL said he was definetly not bringing her, but also never said he wasn't gonna be there.They never came out with any bogus info on their own, it was always in response to my inquiry. I did ask MIL where H was could sleep and she said the couch, and nephew would have the chair, So they already knew he was not going to be there, whern I went there on 12/18. Like I said I am hurt, but I am not angry. H hardly calls his Mom (or so she says, i don't know what to believe now) but I definetly know he hardly ever calls his sister. I know they care about me ,and they did say a while back that they still see me as family SIL says i am more like her sister. She does believe H took the wimpy way out in all of this, instead of just saying he wasn't in love with me or bored with our lives, or just didn't wanna be married, he blamed it all on me and all the crap from forever-ago. I am sorry you are on the cold side of the bed again, but at least you were prepared for it, and sometimes that makes it hurt a little less. And sorry your IL are giving you the silent treatment. I have known mine for almost 30 years, so it would be like my own family shunning me.I would die. Although, i may have to deal with that on some level if H marries OW.I am sure OW is very nice person or H would not even looked at her in the first place. And I am sure she will be charmimg to MIL/SIL when they meet. I hate the thought of being replaced. I know this kind of thing happens all the time in life, but it shouldn't be happening to us . Not again. .
(((sportster))) I was over at your thread (I was wondering what happened to you and did not realize you started a new one! ) and noticed that there is a lot of new developments on your front - a lot of things to deal with and be distracted by. I guess you should deal with it the same way we told Shawn to deal with occasional road blocks - look for the positives.
Today was my day off and I had a friend over cooking for me- she stayed for 6 hrs, we ate and watched a movie ("love actually") and we talked and talked. It's really therapeutic for me to talk my feelings out - I used to hide them and here is where they got me. Everyone can't get over how much insight and how much wisdom I have. I keep giving credit to DR, DB, BB and the willingness to learn from as many different sources as possible.
I also had a psych appt tonight - she felt I was doing much better but I still need to focus more on me. Not sure if I'm happy with what she has to offer. Probably will make my next visit in two weeks our last.
SBXH just called (did not pick up the phone, let the machine get it) saying what bus he is catching and what time he will most likely be home. He sounded very robotic, as if he was mad I did not pick up. Whatever, I'm done with assumptions (when I was waiting for my appt I picked up a book in the waiting room - one of those self help things- and I read a chapter on assumptions and their destructive powers) and letting his issues absorb me. I'm going to take my weird syrup and call it a night. Hopefully I'll be asleep by the time he gets home.
Love you all people! I might not be liking what's happening but I know I'll be liking my life when I take control over it!
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) and noticed that there is a lot of new developments on your front - a lot of things to deal with and be distracted by. 