sportster

not to rub it in but it felt so amazing. I think what felt more amazing was the fact that he was kissing me despite us being sick...he really wanted to. At one point when snuggling my back was to him and I felt him kiss my neck - that was before having sex. It felt that he really cared for me. I'm not reading much into it. I dropped the rope and I'm now detached. But I still look forward to any affection possible. It just boosts my ego and makes me feel less worthless and rejected. I don't feel that the whole world thinks I"m a loser. I just feel that HE did not want me anymore but he is just one person and there is so many other out there.

When it comes to the syrup - I don't think it was the medicine that caused us to have sex I think it just helped me to feel more free with my feelings so I did not bottle them in as I would normally do and I was able to tell him that I will miss him.

Today, as he was cleaning his studio I looked at him and felt this urge to give him a hug. Now, when we were "happily married" I would often have the urge to show him my feelings by hugging, kissing or whatever but I would not do it because of the fear that he would want more (sex) and I did not want it or because I felt that he should know how I feel and therefore I don't need to actually show him (taking for granted part - yup, big time). This time I just decided to do it. I came up and said "I just want to give you a hug". He was surprised and asked why, I answered that because he is a great guy and that I know I should've done it before but better late than never and I just wanted him to know that I do feel that he is a great guy (not for me anymore but still). I was happy that I did that. I have nothing to gain/lose but that's a 180 for me. Actually acting up and showing my feelings.