I'm not the one who breaks and throws things. He is doing all of that. He is banging his head against metal supports in his studio, he is breaking the drop ceiling tiles with his fists. I freeze when he breaks stuff but when he starts to hurt himself I start to cry. I can't handle what he is doing to himself. I know he is hurting emotionally and I think it's this subcounscious thing to provoke physical pain to "re-set" your body and to concentrate on something else instead.
Yesterday was tough. We ended up going to emergency clinic (one of those things that are opened 365 days a year) and after 3 hrs of waiting we were both diagnosed with bronchitis (he also will get a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia). We eneded up watching a movie that he went to B-buster to pick up and we ordered in Mexican. From the outside one would think that we were perfect little happy family. That's what I still don't get - how is it possible?
For the night we were both prescribed this cough syrup with codeine that instead of knock me out made me really loopy but full of energy at the same time. I decided that I wanted to have "conversation" and he was nice enough to talk to me even though he said he was sleepy. We talked about childhoods, pets, weird memories. When we finally turned off the light at 1am I reached over to squeeze his shoulder and said" I will miss you". He was trying to make a light of it and said "I will still be here in the morning". I told him that it's not what I meant. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
He asked me if I got answers back from the out of state places that I applied for the job at. I told him that I"m still looking, I'm interested in AZ and GA. He once again said that he wishes I stayed local for at least a year to see what's going to happen. I told him that the only reason I"m in NJ is him and now that this is gone it will really be tough for me to stay. He kept bringing up the fact that I have friends here etc. I know he wants me to be around for the F part but we already talked about it and we both know that it might not happene or at least not for a long time.
I don't remember who hugged the other one first, but at one point he took my hand and brushed it on his groin area pretending to be funny and then saying "I'm kidding". I said to him that actually I wouldn't mind to cuddle a bit (felt really emotional at that point). We started out by holding hands, then he took off his socks saying that he is getting overheated, then he took off his bottoms saying that I've seen him naked already. We sturted to snuggle and then one thing led to next and yup....Had sex. TWICE! With kissing (despite both of us being sick) and all. We fell asleep snuggling (dressed) and suddenly I woke up feeling him feeling me up, next thing I know we are having sex again. Went back to sleep snuggling and he woke up first this AM (9am) and when I woke up he told me he is hungry and I"m buying him breakfast. We ended up going to our favorite breakfast place but again, felt bit akward....
He is working right now (from home), I'm here typing away. On one hand I feel powerful - I needed that physical closeness and I got it. On the other hand I know nothing has changed, we are still "GO" with the D and it's more like me filling up on him before I will never have this opportunity again.
