I don't think you should accept full responsibility for the man your H is now. Both of you contributed to the problem. I too have moments where I want to bang myself over the head, where I remember stupid, unloving things and ask myself, why oh why did I do those things.
But my H is at fault too. The pain I put him through in our marriage is nothing compared to the pain of the bomb and the aftermath that he has put me through. I was faithful and loved him unconditionally. I can't say the same about my H, I just don't know if he was faithful and obviously he didn't love unconditionally. So really, who is losing out here?
I know not everything is my fault. It really does take two people especially when there are two people to be concerned. But I have no problem admitting how much of that is my fault. I did not mean to sound that I"m taking FULL responsibility, I only take and own up to what's mine. I don't think SBXH will ever believe me, there are really no actions I can take that would show him that aside from just D. It breaks my heart every time I think that I lost that man- he really was everything I could ever hope for. I had it and totally took it for granted. He talked to me about his needs and that only got me angry and more distant because I had my needs but WAS NOT talking to him about them, or rather I was not making that clear to him. THAT is what I need to forgive myself for. I do believe he loved me a lot but he is a human being and when he don't feel that you getting something back when you keep giving, you give up. I think I would too that's why I forgave him for giving up. I'm going to have to work on forgiving for what's he's done since then but that's another thing.
I really do wish things could work out differently. I can't change the past though. And there is a lot of things that happen in the past that are preventing him from giving me another chance, and chances are my ability to give him another chance is affected by the past (and present) as well.
I know some pasts are hard to live with. Especially ones that destroy trust, and don't allow you to clear the air. It sounds like you guys are actually talking about it now, but the yelling/breaking things cycle has GOT to stop. At some point when you run out of things I am afraid you may hurt each other. And while I appauld you for owning up to your part in this, it sounds from what you said that he is blaming most of all of it on you. He did have a part in this as well. I can tell from what you wrote that you felt your needs not being met (he does not know your LL, maybe??) so you felt why should I meet his? Its a vicious cycle, I know cause I think that what happened to us before the bomb dropped.We still did fun and exciting things, I felt like I was getting no effort from him so why should I always be the one who is expected to be making all the effort? I have always complimented my H on his looks and body parts! I truly can say I did not get that back on even a semi-regular basis . He said I didn't flirt with him any more (in public) .WTF? Every time I tried to kiss him in public he always laughed and accused me of "marking him" in front of other girls. So I stopped doing it. I'd try to hold his hand, he'd start skipping cause i think he felt silly about that. So I stopped doing it. That one biker thing we went to , that was one where it ended badly. But he was soooo romantic that day-HE kissed me in public, HE reached for my hand, HE was looking at me like I meant something to him.I reciprocated, and it felt like HEAVEN, THIS is the H I know and love!!! It was like , oh-my-God, this is the way we should be to each other. Simple stuff, but oh so necessary to maintain a heathy realationship. But it was only that one day.We have enjoyed some small moments since then, but that day will stay with me forever, except for the ending. Sounds like you both have some anger isues to work on, or get alot of styrofoam stuff to throw. And if he doesn't believe you that you are not fully responsible, or that you've changed, its his excuse, to keep doing what he is doing now. And this anger stuff is not helping, you know that right? I know you are trying hard Crushed, This is all just some damn frustrating stuff. Even when we make progress these guys ignore it so they can go one being posssessed by aliens...
My H has not gotten really angry and we haven't thrown things or had a drag out fight. I guess he considers himself above all that. If he shows any real emotion, then it would mean that he still cares and he can't show that. He is behind all this now and moving on. In a different place, blah blah blah, you get the picture. I have to think he is in a little denial because I just don't think it is that easy. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe he is one of those guys who it is that easy for.
I believe my H was taken over by an alien too sometimes. How can someone go from saying they love you and being with you all the time to not wanting to be around you. Where was that need they had before? Don't they miss you at all? If my H does, he sure doesn't show it. He is all smiles and helpful behavior. Sometimes it makes me want to puke. And I reciprocate of course, smiles and helpful behavior. I am torn between wanting to be nice so I can show him things can be better to wanting to show him that it shouldn't be this easy and he can't get off scott free. Tough decision to make and I still haven't decided. That is why I need some professional help, I think. When my counselor said "from the little I've read about marriages", I knew I was in trouble. Thank goodness I only went to him twice. Too bad he wasn't better because he took my insurance and was cheap.
unless we can read their minds we will never know how much or if they miss us. Mine ain't talkin either. I like to fool myself and imagne that the last time he was here 1/10, we hugged and kissed and I took a second kiss. He didn't look mad about it, it almost loooked like he was glad i did. I also know my H is in the middle of OW very legal divorce proceedings (she filed,on 11/16 her h filed counter motion, then an amended counter motion was filed on 12/9) and he has to be a constant support to her cause her h is a wacko and beats her. That does not leave much time for feeling anything or having conflicting feelings about me. Too complicated, and he can't handle that now. Plus i think he is also getting a home (no proof but I am workin on it)that he didn't want me to know about.
And i agree about the ILY flip flop. 2 weeks before he left, we were enjoying biker events and our lives . Then he left , but still came around, we still kissed hugged, there was stiull hope. Then one day it was like a switch was flipped. Phone calls were down to 10 min or less, no visits, no hope. Kisses and hugs are short but sweet. OW has defietly taken over his heart and emotions for now.
I'm not the one who breaks and throws things. He is doing all of that. He is banging his head against metal supports in his studio, he is breaking the drop ceiling tiles with his fists. I freeze when he breaks stuff but when he starts to hurt himself I start to cry. I can't handle what he is doing to himself. I know he is hurting emotionally and I think it's this subcounscious thing to provoke physical pain to "re-set" your body and to concentrate on something else instead.
Yesterday was tough. We ended up going to emergency clinic (one of those things that are opened 365 days a year) and after 3 hrs of waiting we were both diagnosed with bronchitis (he also will get a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia). We eneded up watching a movie that he went to B-buster to pick up and we ordered in Mexican. From the outside one would think that we were perfect little happy family. That's what I still don't get - how is it possible?
For the night we were both prescribed this cough syrup with codeine that instead of knock me out made me really loopy but full of energy at the same time. I decided that I wanted to have "conversation" and he was nice enough to talk to me even though he said he was sleepy. We talked about childhoods, pets, weird memories. When we finally turned off the light at 1am I reached over to squeeze his shoulder and said" I will miss you". He was trying to make a light of it and said "I will still be here in the morning". I told him that it's not what I meant. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
He asked me if I got answers back from the out of state places that I applied for the job at. I told him that I"m still looking, I'm interested in AZ and GA. He once again said that he wishes I stayed local for at least a year to see what's going to happen. I told him that the only reason I"m in NJ is him and now that this is gone it will really be tough for me to stay. He kept bringing up the fact that I have friends here etc. I know he wants me to be around for the F part but we already talked about it and we both know that it might not happene or at least not for a long time.
I don't remember who hugged the other one first, but at one point he took my hand and brushed it on his groin area pretending to be funny and then saying "I'm kidding". I said to him that actually I wouldn't mind to cuddle a bit (felt really emotional at that point). We started out by holding hands, then he took off his socks saying that he is getting overheated, then he took off his bottoms saying that I've seen him naked already. We sturted to snuggle and then one thing led to next and yup....Had sex. TWICE! With kissing (despite both of us being sick) and all. We fell asleep snuggling (dressed) and suddenly I woke up feeling him feeling me up, next thing I know we are having sex again. Went back to sleep snuggling and he woke up first this AM (9am) and when I woke up he told me he is hungry and I"m buying him breakfast. We ended up going to our favorite breakfast place but again, felt bit akward....
He is working right now (from home), I'm here typing away. On one hand I feel powerful - I needed that physical closeness and I got it. On the other hand I know nothing has changed, we are still "GO" with the D and it's more like me filling up on him before I will never have this opportunity again.
Quote: He once again said that he wishes I stayed local for at least a year to see what's going to happen.
I think this sounds promising. My H would never say anything like that. Well he may have at the beginning but he is beyond that now. Also, I think you are lucky in a way to have that physical closeness to your H. It has been over four months for me and I think if I initiated something, he would probably sh**t. Maybe I should try to be more sexual, it would definitely be a 180 but I also don't want to seem pursuing or desperate.
If I stick to my vows, which I intend to do, my H is my only source, da** it.!!!
Go back to my very first thread - I think it was titled "is it over?". psluke actually linked them on the first page of this new thread. After the bomb and me eventually moving out of the master bedroom there was no physical closeness. The day I logged in on bb - the day I found it- I was advised to just go for it. And I did. It was hard, he resisted but it opened a floodgate. You have to be tough though - I was saying that I"m doing it for the sake of sex and not making love. You have to let all the abusive talk go past your ears. It's hard but if that's what you want (physical contact) that's the only way. It might not happen right away but if you are persistant it will. I thought I had no chance to do it again after he freaked out the second time but I probably had more sex with my SBXH in the past 2 months than I did in the 2 months leading to the bomb. Go figure. I also changed when it comes to my sexuality. I'm free, open, I actually enjoy it. Took time and work but I got there.
