I was definitelly in the pissy mood when I came back from the L - SBXH was still sleeping and I just couldn't get comfortable. I kept thinking about all the hurt and of course my PMA went down the drain. He noticed and in turn got pissy himself. Feeding off each other I confronted him and of course we got to the R talk. The whole destroying things, shouting, etc happened all over again. He was so extremeley mad! It's like nothing has changed (which I knew anyway but one can always hope that at least the anger will start to subside). I threw it at him that he is lying to me to lie to himself, to convince himself about things (did not want to be specific though), he retaliated by screaming that he's been nothing but nice and supportive and all I do is twist it and hurt him with it. I told him that I know about the fact that the gifts he was working on for his family were still not finished yet he finished a gift for someone he sees EVERY FU$%*NG day and that shows where his priorities are. I also told him that I have a pretty good idea why he HAD to go to work on Friday despite the fact that he was still sick.
My statement about the gifts must have hit home because he suddenly got calmer and said that yes, he did some things out of hurt and pain but the trip to his family was therapeutic and he got some things straightened out. Whatever that means. Oh, also, after he kept talking about all the pain that I caused and still cause him, I flung at him that it's not easy to live with the knowledge that your H has a new person her loves and cherishes. He laughed at it saying that I am wrong etc. Yeah.....
So anyway, after breaking several things he calmed down enough to just sit on the floor. I started cleaning up, he wanted me to stop so he could do it. Long story short we both cleaned up the mess, I set him down saying: can I just tell you something?
During the fight he made a satement that "all was wasted" and that he "gave up and was a failure". I've been following thread of NSN and she wrote a letter to her H that she never mailed but which described exactly the R I had with my H- the problems, the pride, the pain. I decided to tell my H that he was not a failure, that he had to give up because I was not giving him anything to go on and that all was not wasted because he gave me 6.5 years of happiness (that including the long distance dating) and I hope that besides the pain I also gave him something else. On that note I left the room.
We did not go back to the talk that evening, just ordered Chinese and watched a movie. This morning though he got up before me and he was in pissy mood. I asked him what was wrong, he said that he is hungry, tired and still upset about last night's convo. I asked if there was anything I could do, he ignored it. That got me pissed. I went through the motions like a machine and suddenly noticed that we are back at where we started - not talking, angry.
I asked him to sit down so we could talk about it. He did but then he kept talking about something else and then got up to change his clothes. That was too much for me. I went to curl up in front of TV. He came after me and sat down to talk. I told him that it doesn't matter because he obviously doesn't care to hear what I have to say (I know, little childish).
Anyway, suddenly we had another R talk. This one was weird though. He again kept talking about everything being wasted, how much he tried to show me how he really was, how much love he had that he couldn't share with me because I wasn't listening. I validated but he wasn't convinced. Kept saying that he doesn't think I'll ever understand. He again talked about wanting to save the friendship but doesn't know if it will happen because of me. He said that he is still giving me everything that he can (totally got the idea of him making sure that it's just friendship not the R "everything"). I told him that I don't know if the F will work out based on our history, on the fact that he himself says that I'm the constant reminder for him of what happened. I told him that I will also need time to forgive myself for what I've done to him, for turning the wonderful man into what he is now (well, I did not say it exactly like that but you guys get a point).
There were couple of things that got me thinking though. Yesterday and today I mentioned that it's only a matter of couple of weeks before all is over (meaning the D) and he did not - neither time- make any comment on that. He also made a comment of not knowing if he can "trust me". Not sure what he meant by it. I'm itching to ask him to clarify that for me.
The last thing on the R subject that he said was to take a deep breath before reacting in anger towards him just as he will do towards me. HUH?
BTW: I have bronchitis and I'm currently on antibiotics. Both of us actually....fun fun fun!
