Today I had a work meeting instead of my usual 13 hrs in the clinic (have to work tomorrow for 5 hrs though because I asked for coverage and I"m returning the favor). I woke up feeling realy sick but decided that I needed to go (big meeting). The night before I came back from work and H was feeling even more sick than previously. He was wonderfing if he should go to ER - usually I"m the nurturing kind but the point is that it did not work, he did not feel loved with this LL- I said if he wants to he can (I did not offer to drive him there though). He made dinner and we watched TV for a while, him shivering and sweating. At one point I told him that he can just lean against me and cover with blankets so that maybe he will stay warmer and more comfortable. At first he said that he would most likely just feel sicker that way (I guess the position) but then changed his mind and snuggled against me. Did not last long though- kept getting sick to the stomach.
Just before going to sleep I turned on the computer to check the e-mail and cainercast. He asked for his and I read it to him. I also showed him the weekly and monthly report. He got hung up on his "inner seducer" line - wonder if he was working up to suggesting sex. I got back at him by reading the line from my monthly forecast about "changing the way I see love forever" that happened previous year (DUH!). Went to sleep and woke up this AM.
He kept asking in AM if I needed anything, I said I was fine but not feeling well. I went to the meeting (50 miles one way!) and had to come back after noon because just couldn't handle it. Txt messaged him that I"m on the way and if he wanted me to pick anything up (again, common curtesy, usually he tells me if he comes home and I do the same for him). He just wanted more soda but asked if I wanted him to make me something to eat. I declined.
Got home, he again kept asking if he can get anything for me, I said I was fine getting stuff on my own. I changed, got in bed and tried to sleep (he got in bed too). Couldn't. Got up, read, e-mailed, browsed bb and here I am.
Darn, today was supposed to be my power day according to monthly cainer cast! Power day my a$$!
Sun: I definitelly gave up. On the way home I was testing that feeling and tried to think about the hurt - could barely squeeze a tear out. It's mostly resentment and pitty for him and his family. Once I work on letting go of that one I'll be fine.
Now here is a question: how different is feeling of not carrying about what WAS has done to you vs. forgiving? As long as you don't have anger and resentment that you project on other relationships - what does it matter? Is it just about being a "bigger person"? Thanks, I know I'm better than him already.
