It's time to start a new post - got locked out of the last one and decided that I might as well change the forums. Looked around and thought that this one will be the most appropriate but there is a problem:
I tried to put myself in my SBXH shoes and here is what I came to understand. In the head of WAS there is no such thing as infidelity or affair once they tell you that they are done with M. Just think about it: if they give up, throw in the towel, tell themselves that they are no longer loving or desiring the other spouse, then it's just a matter of formality of a paper that you are still M. They are already emotionally divorced and that's the important part. That's what got me to understand that I can't even be angry at my SBXH for pursuing the OW the way he is - there is no M! If he were telling me that he still loves me or that he wanted to work on M and R, yeah, then I could have a reason to be all that. But he was being honest when he called it quits - he is not even waiting for separation to see if he changes his mind. He is sure about the D.
Not the best weekend. Went out for what was supposed to be a hang out time, turned out that someone thought it was a date and it made me extremely uncomfortable. Spent Sat recuperating (came home after 4am) dodging H and feeling sorry for myself- more pitty party and crying. Sun was better - the night before I had a dream that my brother who passed away 7 months ago came to me and was consoling me, hugging me, making me feel that it will be okay. The thing is I knew he came from beyond (it wasn't just a simple recallection) because the thing I remeber the most is the scar on his chest as if he had heart surgery (they had to open him up during autopsy) Weird. Anyway, I met up with my friend and our other mutual friend for late lunch, worked on my art (collage) with help of SBXH - he started getting annoyed with my questions though so I don't think I'll be asking him for help again. Then he made dinner for us but before it was ready my friend from the cruise called and I ended up talking to ther for 30 min
Meantime, the dinner was ready he ate, was annoyed at me that I chose to be on the phone and not eating with him. I really did not realize how long I've been on that phone until it was too late. He said he is sick, tired, wants to go to bed and that's it. I appologized, validated, said I appreciated him making dinner and I really wanted to enjoy it with him. I was sorry that it took me that long but I did not mean to disrespect him. Asked for a hug, he did not want to give me one, then he did and I said - but only if you want to. It was just this stupid game with me playing off goofy and him getting pissed. Anyway, went to bed and that was it.
This morning the MC that we went to called me. My first thought was that he contacted her and maybe wants to start MC again? Wishful thinking. It was about billing. But I am thinking about going back to her for one on one counceling. I had resentment towards her but now I realize that she helped ME a lot and only because of her I was able to start addressing my issues - she helped me in finding them. So who knows? Maybe I'll go back.
He just e-mailed me saying "this is pretty funny thought you might enjoy it" . Enjoy what? there is nothing there! Great, now I have to email him back about it....
After reading your post I have to agree with how WAS is feeling about infedility and affair. I think that you are right. When my H decided that he was no longer in love with me and that he was unhappy the natural thing for him to do was move on...in his mind. But for the betrayed spouse it is hard to fatham that there are no more feelings between the two. I still believe that no matter how unhappy you think you are in a relationship it doesnt justify cheating. If you are unhappy then do something about it, then once seperated or divorced then you are free to seek outside R, but until then it is still wrong. I can see how the S might view it otherwise tho. I have told my H that I dont blame him for having feelings for someone else, I think sometimes people can fall prey to someone else boosting their ego, etc, but I do blame him for not stopping it while he is supposedly trying to work things out with me. I am toying with D, because I just dont see H ever stopping R with his OW. But I am lost and confused and am not sure of what I feel anymore.
Trying to make the best of the situation while H is at home with me but is getting very hard. I am not allowed to talk about how I feel, say my opinion on what is going on or question him about OW without him getting mad and threatening divorce. So my answer to him now is, Please get the divorce and let me go, because you are holding on to me and not letting me move on. But he still doesnt do it. I just dont get it!
Has your H pursued the D? Are any papers filed? Do you still live with him (I apologize I dont remember).
He filed the petition for D almost months ago. It was acknowledged by my L and the answer was sent on Dec 13th. Since my H is going for extreme mental cruelty (I don't agree) the answer denied his claims. Now I'm waiting for settlement agreement which will allow me to move out protected, so to answer your question: yes, we are still under the same roof and to make things even more bizzare, I decided to move back to the "big bed" because I'm not going to freeze my butt off in the guest bedroom (corner) just because HE is more comfortable. So we've been sleeping in the same bed for the past 2 weeks.
Your situation is different. Your H tells you he is working on the R and still seeing OW - that IS cheating and infidelity. You just can't do it! My SBXH has no desire to try and work on M or at least he made no such indication. Is it because he is still trying to sow his wild oats and it's easier for him (etically) to do it when making me feel that there is nothing between us until he figures out who he really wants, or is it because there really is NOTHING.
Sorry for my brain freeze on your sitch before. I remember now that you had moved back into the bedroom. But if I also remember correctly you two had a nice night the night before you left for your cruise. What happened? When he came home from his family at christmas nothing changed in his mind? That has got to be tough living under the same roof knowing that papers are filed, etc. It must create tension on some days.
As for my H, if you remember H's OW lives 3k miles away, this is an internet/phone affair with only one physical meeting back in June. For me it is torturous, because I dont have the threat of wondering where he is, if he is with OW, but I do have the torture of spending everyday with my H, and seeing how much we enjoy our time together (and we spend ALL of our free time together) and knowing that he wont kiss me, let alone ML and that he is waiting for me to go to bed at night so he can stay up late and talk to her on computer. Then knowing that when he is at work she calls him at least 3x a day (cellphone bill). Does she not care that he is at work...HELLO? Last night I could not bite my tongue and I told him that I am sick of knowing about her, I am sick of him and that I want him to get the divorce. This is like mental cruelty. ANd It is not a good environment for our 2yr old. We dont fight normally - never did. But I feel so unloved and I am sure that my D can sense something.
What was your H's reaction when he saw you after you got home from cruise? It just seemed right before the cruise you two were starting to make some progress.
Sun, if you go back to my WAITING thread it will tell you in details what happened when he came back. To summarize though - we had sex (kissing and all that), he told me he missed me on the Xmas day the most, that he is feeling that he needs to take charge etc. NOTHING about the status of our M - no indication (verbally) that he might be rethinking. When he went to work next day he dropped off another gift for OW except that she was sick and was not in. She was also not in the NYE and even though he was sick he HAD to go (I guess hoping he'll meet up with her before her trip to Dominican Republic). He txt messaged her that he is already missing her (before she even left) so that shows me that he is still incredibely involved and pursuing full force. The last time we had sex was last Tuesday morning when he decided to stay home to "relax" and it was my day off as well (he knew that). So there....no clue.
It's hard to get to that point where we feel it's not worth it anymore, or it's done and there is no hope. From what I've read on the boards, this is the time that holds the most promise. Letting go allows us to heal, to move on and GAL. I still want my M, but I can see that until I let go, I will continue to appear weak and needy to my W. Only by letting go can I find the strong person I was when she fell for me.
For the two of you, it may not feel like it at times, but you are now in the power position in the R. You've let go. You're thinking of what's next. Your S's may not have reacted yet, but give it time. There's no hurry is there? Remember that for some reconciliation comes after the D. So take heart and do good things to build yourselves up.
I know, you may now accuse me of being the eternal optimist.LOL
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
Had to stay late at work the other day due to computer crash down (there was a system update that worked for the western US but failed for the eastern part - go figure ). During working hours I got some e-mails from SBXH and did not answer the last one where he said that couple of his buddies will be coming over tonight (Tuesday) and he doesn't know how long it will take them to get their stuff done so he was just giving me "heads up". Not sure if he thought that I'll feel uncomfortable around them ( I did not do anything to feel uncomfortable about) or that he will feel uncomfortable with me around them. Who knows?
I normally call him around 7:30pm as I leave work to let him know I'm on the way (common curtesy). Of course I was still working when he called at 8:20pm on my cell. I did not answer that call, he left a message and called again about 30 minutes later. I still did not answer. I called him back when I was ready to leave - he made dinner but ate his portion because he was tired and was going to bed.
Got home, turns out that he was sick and went to MD who told him it's a viral and highly infectious thing. He did not know what to do - stay home next day (today) or go to work since he's been calling out sicke every week for a day. Told him that probably the reason why he's been nurturing that sickness for the past month is the fact that he did not just stay home for couple of days and let it run it's course.
I was not in a peachy mood and he noticed. Kept asking what's wrong and if I was crying (apparently my eyes looked glossy). I said that I just had a long day at work and was tired myself. He asked if there was anything he could do for me and if I wanted a hug. I declined both offers.
Took a hot bath, got in bed and read for a bit before calling it a night. He called out from work (another of my days off that he stayed in !) and we did not get out of bed until 2pm. I did not sleep the whole time though. I kept waking up, reading, talking on the phone etc. But I did not take a shower till 2pm
Went to the food store, picked up some lunch and now I'm just vegging out. I'm distant when it comes to interaction with my SBXH - not that he probably notices since he's drugged out of his mind with TheraFlu
Oh, by the way. I gave up. Waiting for the paperwork to negotiate good settlement and then I'm moving out. Just have to think about the friendship part - do I really want it?
This morning I got to sleep in another hour due to weather and not having to be at work until 8am. As I was leaving H was very attentive regarding how I felt and if there was anything he could get for me (feeling guilty tha he got me sick). I said I was fine but if he had a moment to collect last year tax returns, last 3 pay stubs and his 401K statements. Brief pause, then "okay" then "are we filing joint taxes this year?" I said I don't know, whatever he wants, he said that it will be better for refund if we did. I said that I guess we'll be filing joint.
Left for work and here I am. Busy, hectic and feeling really numb. I had someone stop in that knows about my sitch and is very sympathetic - she was worried about me because I keep getting thinner. I am doing okay though. Hurts but it's this numb ache at this point. Moving on. Had a dream last night or the night before about meeting someone and the first kiss. That's what I'm looking forward to - the butterflies in my stomach when the first kiss happens. I have so much more to experience when it comes to love and care....
Well it sounds to me like you are giving up. Who knows that attitude can actually make your H do his own 180. How long until the papers are finalized? Are the two of you splitting everything down the middle? Will the house be sold. Why not stay there until that happens.
Hoping you are doing a little better today. Yesterdays post just sounded like you were down in the dumps. WHatever happens Crushed, you will be fine, just remember that, ok?
Today I had a work meeting instead of my usual 13 hrs in the clinic (have to work tomorrow for 5 hrs though because I asked for coverage and I"m returning the favor). I woke up feeling realy sick but decided that I needed to go (big meeting). The night before I came back from work and H was feeling even more sick than previously. He was wonderfing if he should go to ER - usually I"m the nurturing kind but the point is that it did not work, he did not feel loved with this LL- I said if he wants to he can (I did not offer to drive him there though). He made dinner and we watched TV for a while, him shivering and sweating. At one point I told him that he can just lean against me and cover with blankets so that maybe he will stay warmer and more comfortable. At first he said that he would most likely just feel sicker that way (I guess the position) but then changed his mind and snuggled against me. Did not last long though- kept getting sick to the stomach.
Just before going to sleep I turned on the computer to check the e-mail and cainercast. He asked for his and I read it to him. I also showed him the weekly and monthly report. He got hung up on his "inner seducer" line - wonder if he was working up to suggesting sex. I got back at him by reading the line from my monthly forecast about "changing the way I see love forever" that happened previous year (DUH!). Went to sleep and woke up this AM.
He kept asking in AM if I needed anything, I said I was fine but not feeling well. I went to the meeting (50 miles one way!) and had to come back after noon because just couldn't handle it. Txt messaged him that I"m on the way and if he wanted me to pick anything up (again, common curtesy, usually he tells me if he comes home and I do the same for him). He just wanted more soda but asked if I wanted him to make me something to eat. I declined.
Got home, he again kept asking if he can get anything for me, I said I was fine getting stuff on my own. I changed, got in bed and tried to sleep (he got in bed too). Couldn't. Got up, read, e-mailed, browsed bb and here I am.
Darn, today was supposed to be my power day according to monthly cainer cast! Power day my a$$!
Sun: I definitelly gave up. On the way home I was testing that feeling and tried to think about the hurt - could barely squeeze a tear out. It's mostly resentment and pitty for him and his family. Once I work on letting go of that one I'll be fine.
Now here is a question: how different is feeling of not carrying about what WAS has done to you vs. forgiving? As long as you don't have anger and resentment that you project on other relationships - what does it matter? Is it just about being a "bigger person"? Thanks, I know I'm better than him already.
). During working hours I got some e-mails from SBXH and did not answer the last one where he said that couple of his buddies will be coming over tonight (Tuesday) and he doesn't know how long it will take them to get their stuff done so he was just giving me "heads up". Not sure if he thought that I'll feel uncomfortable around them ( I did not do anything to feel uncomfortable about) or that he will feel uncomfortable with me around them. Who knows?
