It's time to start a new post - got locked out of the last one and decided that I might as well change the forums. Looked around and thought that this one will be the most appropriate but there is a problem:
I tried to put myself in my SBXH shoes and here is what I came to understand. In the head of WAS there is no such thing as infidelity or affair once they tell you that they are done with M. Just think about it: if they give up, throw in the towel, tell themselves that they are no longer loving or desiring the other spouse, then it's just a matter of formality of a paper that you are still M. They are already emotionally divorced and that's the important part. That's what got me to understand that I can't even be angry at my SBXH for pursuing the OW the way he is - there is no M! If he were telling me that he still loves me or that he wanted to work on M and R, yeah, then I could have a reason to be all that. But he was being honest when he called it quits - he is not even waiting for separation to see if he changes his mind. He is sure about the D.
Not the best weekend. Went out for what was supposed to be a hang out time, turned out that someone thought it was a date and it made me extremely uncomfortable. Spent Sat recuperating (came home after 4am) dodging H and feeling sorry for myself- more pitty party and crying. Sun was better - the night before I had a dream that my brother who passed away 7 months ago came to me and was consoling me, hugging me, making me feel that it will be okay. The thing is I knew he came from beyond (it wasn't just a simple recallection) because the thing I remeber the most is the scar on his chest as if he had heart surgery (they had to open him up during autopsy) Weird. Anyway, I met up with my friend and our other mutual friend for late lunch, worked on my art (collage) with help of SBXH - he started getting annoyed with my questions though so I don't think I'll be asking him for help again. Then he made dinner for us but before it was ready my friend from the cruise called and I ended up talking to ther for 30 min
Meantime, the dinner was ready he ate, was annoyed at me that I chose to be on the phone and not eating with him. I really did not realize how long I've been on that phone until it was too late. He said he is sick, tired, wants to go to bed and that's it. I appologized, validated, said I appreciated him making dinner and I really wanted to enjoy it with him. I was sorry that it took me that long but I did not mean to disrespect him. Asked for a hug, he did not want to give me one, then he did and I said - but only if you want to. It was just this stupid game with me playing off goofy and him getting pissed. Anyway, went to bed and that was it.
This morning the MC that we went to called me. My first thought was that he contacted her and maybe wants to start MC again? Wishful thinking. It was about billing. But I am thinking about going back to her for one on one counceling. I had resentment towards her but now I realize that she helped ME a lot and only because of her I was able to start addressing my issues - she helped me in finding them. So who knows? Maybe I'll go back.
He just e-mailed me saying "this is pretty funny thought you might enjoy it" . Enjoy what? there is nothing there! Great, now I have to email him back about it....
