Quote: I meant him making excuses as to why you could not get in touch with him. Meeting ran late, didn't hear the phone ring, cell phone was in his pocket in the closet....ect.
Yeah...??? Keep going... please. What has your radar picked up?
Quote: I meant him making excuses as to why you could not get in touch with him. Meeting ran late, didn't hear the phone ring, cell phone was in his pocket in the closet....ect.
Yeah...??? Keep going... please. What has your radar picked up?
Corri
He might claim that he is doing all of this for the family. In a sense, he is right. But is it possible that he prefers work life to family life? Maybe he feels much more competent working than trying to make you happy? Maybe he feels like a highly competent and successful manager and a crappy husband? Maybe work is much more validating than home life?
I'm not suggesting this is your fault, just trying to rationalize his behavior. And I'm just guessing (being a career oriented man myself) that he is using the line "I am doing all of this for you and the kids."
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Does he always do this? Make excuses why he is unreachable to you? Has it always been this way in your M? Him being unavailable/unreachable when it is a time when you should be able to reach him? Or is this something that has just developed?
If he has always been this way, then I would have to say there is no radar. If, OTOH, its something that has just developed, maybe there was some reason he didn't want to talk to you? A reason he was maybe not where he was supposed to be? I don't want to be the one to throw doubts in your mind, but isn't that behavour of someone that doesn't want it known where or what they were doing at the time they were unreachable?
This occurred to me while I was using a musical metaphor over on JJ's thread.
Corri, someone suggested you become an actor in your R, and you said you are an actor (by profession?). When they suggested you become an actor, I think you took it that you should pretend to feel something you are not feeling.
But what if you approached it as a professional actor approaches a serious role? Don't the great professional actors go way beyond "pretending" when they perform a role? Don't they move us because they reach down inside themselves and discover the place where they are or at least are like the character? Don't they find a common human ground between themselves and the character... and when they "act" that character what we are really seeing is into the actor's soul-- and that is what makes the emotional connection (there's that word again!) with the audience?
For you to act the role of a high-er D wife-- I wouldn't think it would be all that difficult. Again, I'm not suggesting you do anything you do not feel. If you were faced with the opportunity to play a very HD wife on stage, how would you approach it? Yes, there is risk to bring out those very personal and vulnerable parts of yourself...and in your R, the stakes are very high...
Disclaimer: please, please don't think I'm saying you should walk around acting like a phoney. I'm saying use the tools of your profession to find the truth of who you are sexually (as you would for a role), and bring out that truth in your R. Maybe you already do this.
I was talking on JJ's thread about someone who plays a musical instrument with great technical skill but doesn't let the passion flow. I was just discussing this very topic this morning with someone-- we were talking about a mutual friend who is a professional concert violinist. This violinist is extremely technically competent-- a perfectionist, in fact. But sometimes you want to hear complete emotional abandon, not absolute technical perfection. Then I thought about what you said about acting... and wanted to apply the same principle. Look inside and find the passion-- as an actor must-- and display that.
It's interesting... people go nuts over rock and pop stars who aren't necessarily very good musicians because they spill their guts out on the stage. They CONNECT. Can you imagine a rock star who just gets up on stage and goes through the motions with no passion?
I just read the dialog...that could have been handled much better on both sides.
His changing the subject with "So what did you want?" was wrong and I take it that his attidue behind that triggered your response (which was wrong too). He should have said that his meeting ran a bit late and that he was sorry.
You had an opportunity to change the convo despite his crappy response. Instead of the downward spiral of trying to deconstruct WHY you weren't able to reach him (lot's of blame and defensiveness going on), you should have just said "god, I'm really irritated that I couldn't reach you". He probably would have responded with an apology instead of all the crap.
This is the one area my C has really helped with. Whenever any tension, raised blood pressure, etc. happens during a conversion, we stop and re-evaluate the convo. It's like she's implanted a time-out buzzer in heads. At any point either of us just says "whoa...wait a sec...let's connect on this"
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
You mentioned that your H's new work is an interim position. I would have conversations now about how it's affecting the family, before it becomes a permanent way of being.
Jenny wrote: ----------- Telling him that I love him or paying more attention to his other needs is not enough to make him more sexually "willing". He needs me to be more playful and sexy in order for him to be more sexually willing. Basically, I have to simultaneously act like I couldn't care less whether or not we have sex and be completely seductive at the same time. -----------
That is an interesting statement.
Basically, he needs you to play facilitator (mom), yet again, in order for him to perform.
I don't see this as a sexual issue.
He needs to be willing to show up bedside, woody or no, and work WITH you.
You need to be willing to show up bedside, Hubby desirous or no, and work WITH him.
It looks to me like a lot of withholding due to resentment is going on in your marriage.
It is hard to do someone that you resent.
Is there any chance of counseling or his coming to this board and sharing his side of the issues?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
That's a good analogy you and ARLT came up with, thanks. I'm feeling really shiity today and cannot give it the thoughtful consideration it deserves. I will file it away and remember it when I'm not being so self-righteous.
A:
No, my H has not always been unreachable. As a matter of fact, sometimes people would call me because I could reach him. Seems to be a new thing with his new job.
The new job is definitely feeding his ego. He works, on average, 60 hours per week. Yeah, he prefers to be there instead of anywhere else. He feels guilty about it, too (least that is what he told me).
AD:
Yeah, it was a crappy way of handling the call. I don't operate in Proper R Mode when I'm pissed. H has no proper R mode and wouldn't know it if it walked up and slapped him in the face. (That was a crappy thing to say, and it's probably not true, but it feels VERY true right at this moment.)
Okay, y'all have a great weekend. I have to go regroup.
What has your radar picked up?
