Quote: ... sometimes, I think it would be more loving of me to let him go so he can find his V8 mate. At least then he'd have a shot, and neither one of us would have to live our lives feeling like we'll never measure up, or endlessly wondering what is wrong with us.
Corri,
This is almost exactly how my H is feeling. He thinks on some level he is being noble by leaving me.
There have been a lot of great posts on this thread. It's interesting to read them from my current POV.
LP, My H and I have felt that passionate soul baring feeling from time to time as we've gone through this process. I think it's necessary, but you can't stay there forever or continuously. You have to use the knowledge or intimacy you gain from revealing yourself to your spouse to build something that will last through minor financial crises, weeks of boring commutes, cranky teenagers or gloomy days. This is the level on which my H and I have failed.
When it comes to the subject of accepting "willingness" to have sex over "desire" to have sex, I have to be honest though nobody wants to hear it and say that I think this is much harder if you are a HDW and my inability to deal with this issue is probably my main contribution to the fact that my marriage is ending. I don't know if it is biology or just plain sexism but I can't deal with the fact that my H is basically telling me "If you want me to want to have sex with you beyond my limited natural cycle, you are going to have to seduce me.". My H isn't like Corri or MrsNOP. Telling him that I love him or paying more attention to his other needs is not enough to make him more sexually "willing". He needs me to be more playful and sexy in order for him to be more sexually willing. Basically, I have to simultaneously act like I couldn't care less whether or not we have sex and be completely seductive at the same time.
I understand that the fact that I am HD got me into this sich. Because I am HD, I do sometimes seduce men (including my H)and like it. The problem is I am also a woman and for reasons due to biology or the fact that someone dressed me in pink and started telling me how to be a girl as soon as I was born, most of the time I want to feel like I am playing the woman's role in the sexual dance-I want to be seduced more than I want to be seductive. Someone might think "Well, if you want to be seduced, you're going to have to learn how to be coy.". The fact of the matter is I do know how to be coy. I am as likely as any other woman to go into coy mode when confronted by a HDM. I'm never coy for the same reason that Corri is never seductive. I don't get the opportunity. I absolutely understand that this is not my H's fault. I don't give him the opportunity to be seductive either.
The problem of my sexism continues in the scheduled sex realm. If I get the feeling that having sex with me is at all an unpleasant task, I feel instantly offended. I hate to have to admit this but I feel like I'm not being treated like a "lady". Once again, I understand that this is my problem not my H's but I don't know how to get over it. I have been trained to believe that a man should be somewhat grateful or thankful that I am having sex with him. He shouldn't act like he's doing me a favor. But the fact of the matter is he doesn't want to have sex with me so he is doing me a favor by having sex with me so how can I expect him to not convey that on some level.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Wow this thread really took off! Corri you know how to get things moving, that's for sure.
Jenny, I get what you are saying. It is a peculiar quandary. My H has very few unmet needs. In fact, he has never expressed a desire for me to do anything--and oftentimes asks me to NOT do as much as I do--except for give more hugs and kisses. I believe that he does have needs..and that by meeting them I increase the intimacy between us, but I just don't know if it's the same as with the LDW's...where it kills off their desire to ML.
MrsNOP, I am only speaking for myself but I wanted to say that I do NOT expect my H to show desire on a level that I do. What I do expect is that he show desire. He has told me that he does desire me. I need to be shown that. It is simply not enough for me to have blind trust in his words and never see any demonstrable sign of it. What he doesn't have to do is show it in a way that I want it shown. (although I'd be a liar if I said I didn't want him to do it differently, at times!) As long as he makes an effort to show his desire, I will accept it graciously. But I will say this: It's gotta be a genuine effort. Sending out a signal so that I will pick up on it and take it from there really isn't showing ME that he wants ME. I do need him to stick his neck out..to experience the vulnerability. It is part of the sexual experience and it is necessary that both partners participate in this, or the imbalance of something exists.
Finally, to you, dear Corri. No I can't imagine what it would be like to give my BODY as a way to speak my mate's love language. I do make an effort to speak H's language and it is not easy for me. He is an acts of service man as well as a spiritual talks guy. For my acts of service, I make sure the house is spotless every single day. I cook all of his meals that he eats, every day. I initiate (the important part! it's just not the same if I participate in a convo that he starts) religious talks with him and 'show' him my spiritual and faith-filled side. Corri I can so relate to your recent postings. I have a lot of faith but I do NOT get the same charge out of it that my H does. Remembering to have these talks...and managing to bring a certain level of enthusiasm to them is terribly hard for me. At times I feel like a fraud and wonder if he thinks I am, too. Other times, I just enjoy how his face lights up and try to keep it going as long as I can. Other times, I am quite honestly not in the right frame of mind to even start one.
I really do sympathize with you on this count.
Fortunately for me, there is church every Sunday. And a certain level of religiosity that is present in our daily lives (prayers before bedtime and meals, pictures, books, etc) that keeps it in my mind.
Do you think scheduled sex would work much in the same way for you? If you are opposed to it, can you outline why that is? (I would love to have some insight into this from my H's perspective)
One last question: Has your H ever made any attempt at all to speak your LL? If he has, I will probably be able to work up some empathy for him...if not, welllllllllllllllllllll that's a whole nother story.
Nobody wants to continue doing an activity when you know the person you are with does not have much enthusisam for the activity. Almost all LD's create an atmosphere where when you ML, it feels like they are fullfilling some obligation. My wife may be willing, I will "USE" here when she is willing, and then feel like crap for what went on.
Just for the record, I am not BJ phobic now. He will continue to get BJs from me. If he keeps shooting off in my mouth, it may be a different story. In that event, I would stop giving them, not because I am adverse to giving BJs, but because he is not honoring me.
ARLT:
Just so you know, I get your colorblind analogy, but I do see red. For me, it just isn't my favorite color in the spectrum. I like all kinds of colors. Red is not the only color which 'speaks' for me. For H, all other colors fade in comparison to red.
And no, I do not want to become an 'actress' in the bedroom. I am an actress, actually, but I do not want to 'perform' for my H... at least, not all the time. I have acted like a porn star, btw, and it really turned my H off... that isn't me and he knows it. What H wants is what Dave wants... to melt my panties.
Honey:
I think my H thinks he speaks my LL, or I think he thinks he tries. But we just aren't together enough. He got home last night at 8:15. We connected briefly between his meetings. He told me he would be in a meeting until 6ish, and after that, he'd go over to the hockey rink. (They were done at 7:15). At 6:50 my younger son calls wondering where his dad is. I can't get through to H. He finally calls at 7:15 and says he's at the rink.
ME: "Where have you been?"
HIM: "I'm at the hockey rink."
ME: "S9 called wondering where you were."
HIM: "I've been here for 15 minutes."
ME: "You told me earlier today that your meeting would end at 6 (hockey rink is down the hill from his office) and then you'd be over at the rink. I left thinking you would be there."
HIM: "So what did you want?"
ME: "I wanted to know where the he!! you were."
HIM: "My meeting ran over... I got done at 6:40, had to finish up some things, turn off my stuff, etc. etc. Why, did you call?"
ME: "Yes. I called. I can never reach you."
HIM: "Did you try Line A, or Line B? I didn't hear the phone ring."
ME: "As I had no idea where you were, I tried your cell phone, which you always have with you."
HIM: "Oh, well, it was in my coat pocket in the closet."
ME: "Guess that doesn't do me much good, then, does it?"
HIM: "No, I guess it doesn't. I'm sorry, my meeting ran over."
By this time, I was so pissed, I told him I'd just see him later. My H used to love going to practice and watching the boys. He now makes it there in time to pick them up because he is a busy man.
Quote: Nobody wants to continue doing an activity when you know the person you are with does not have much enthusisam for the activity.
I agree.
Quote: Almost all LD's create an atmosphere where when you ML, it feels like they are fullfilling some obligation. My wife may be willing, I will "USE" here when she is willing, and then feel like crap for what went on.
Almost all HDs create an atmosphere where, if you are not ML or wanting to ML, or you have not made it plain that you are going to reward them with LM for sharing their precious time with you, any activity you are doing with your spouse is worthless, meaningless, and a waste of their time.
Does he see that he is making a choice to not work on the M?
I don't think that my husband sees that him consistently choosing sleep is choosing to not work on our marriage. He sees it in much more practical terms--sleeping so that he can go to work the next day and provide for us, etc.
Would he agree to scheduling in time, just for you?
I can't say that my husband is gangbusters about it..he has crapped out 2 nights out of 3, but he keeps insisting that he is in the process of building a new habit and to please be patient with him. For the time being, I'm doing that. Would your H agree to build in CorriTime into his schedule?
I meant him making excuses as to why you could not get in touch with him. Meeting ran late, didn't hear the phone ring, cell phone was in his pocket in the closet....ect.
