Quote:

... sometimes, I think it would be more loving of me to let him go so he can find his V8 mate. At least then he'd have a shot, and neither one of us would have to live our lives feeling like we'll never measure up, or endlessly wondering what is wrong with us.





Corri,

This is almost exactly how my H is feeling. He thinks on some level he is being noble by leaving me.

There have been a lot of great posts on this thread. It's interesting to read them from my current POV.

LP,
My H and I have felt that passionate soul baring feeling from time to time as we've gone through this process. I think it's necessary, but you can't stay there forever or continuously. You have to use the knowledge or intimacy you gain from revealing yourself to your spouse to build something that will last through minor financial crises, weeks of boring commutes, cranky teenagers or gloomy days. This is the level on which my H and I have failed.

When it comes to the subject of accepting "willingness" to have sex over "desire" to have sex, I have to be honest though nobody wants to hear it and say that I think this is much harder if you are a HDW and my inability to deal with this issue is probably my main contribution to the fact that my marriage is ending. I don't know if it is biology or just plain sexism but I can't deal with the fact that my H is basically telling me "If you want me to want to have sex with you beyond my limited natural cycle, you are going to have to seduce me.". My H isn't like Corri or MrsNOP. Telling him that I love him or paying more attention to his other needs is not enough to make him more sexually "willing". He needs me to be more playful and sexy in order for him to be more sexually willing. Basically, I have to simultaneously act like I couldn't care less whether or not we have sex and be completely seductive at the same time.

I understand that the fact that I am HD got me into this sich. Because I am HD, I do sometimes seduce men (including my H)and like it. The problem is I am also a woman and for reasons due to biology or the fact that someone dressed me in pink and started telling me how to be a girl as soon as I was born, most of the time I want to feel like I am playing the woman's role in the sexual dance-I want to be seduced more than I want to be seductive. Someone might think "Well, if you want to be seduced, you're going to have to learn how to be coy.". The fact of the matter is I do know how to be coy. I am as likely as any other woman to go into coy mode when confronted by a HDM. I'm never coy for the same reason that Corri is never seductive. I don't get the opportunity. I absolutely understand that this is not my H's fault. I don't give him the opportunity to be seductive either.

The problem of my sexism continues in the scheduled sex realm. If I get the feeling that having sex with me is at all an unpleasant task, I feel instantly offended. I hate to have to admit this but I feel like I'm not being treated like a "lady". Once again, I understand that this is my problem not my H's but I don't know how to get over it. I have been trained to believe that a man should be somewhat grateful or thankful that I am having sex with him. He shouldn't act like he's doing me a favor. But the fact of the matter is he doesn't want to have sex with me so he is doing me a favor by having sex with me so how can I expect him to not convey that on some level.


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver