Quote: Did anybody here understand what **I** was saying about being on the other side of the fence? This part:
As a fellow LDer, I'll cast my vote, all 3/5ths of it...
Yes. I get it.
I don't have the hormones/chemicals that facilitates in me a level of sexual desire equivalent to NOP's. So, when we make love, on my part it is primarily heart/head driven with body following. Our relationship disconnected over the years in part because NOP didn't relate to me with a similar amount of giving of himself in other areas of our relationship that I deemed important. I was never trading XYZ for sex, nor was it some housetask driven thing. I wanted him to spend time participating with *me* in activities/functions that I found interesting. I thought that would come out of his heart/head even when I knew it wasn't his cup o' tea. When it didn't happen as often as I preferred, or when it became an ongoing point of contention, or when he was just barely tolerating being there, I assumed that I was unimportant to him outside of *his* areas of interest. Which made it appear that he enjoyed being with me only as long as we were doing something he really enjoyed doing. Without having the sexual drive to draw from to fuel the sex, my heart/head desire dried up. And thus did our descent begin.
Sometimes I want to scream at him because it is SO easy for him to tap into physical desire. It's a well with no bottom. I think to myself, "well shiit yeah, if I had a bottomless well of desire, you'd have to strap on five more peters to keep up with me, baby." He has absolutely no appreciation whatsoever of what I go through for him to find water for he has never, ever, ever, been without, and can't even imagine what it would be like to NOT have water.
I confess to letting my imperfect responses rise up occasionally in regards to the "want you to desire me" aspects of the LD/HD struggle especially when that desire is being required to be expressed in a certain way or otherwise it doesn't count, or it isn't special enough, or good enough, or turn you on enough. And I confess to wondering sometimes, if your drive is so high, then as long as your partner is truly loving and sexually willing (and I'm not talking about laying there like a corpse), why is there some additional ritual that must be followed?
These are my thoughts from a LD perspective. They aren't accusations. They aren't meant to piss anyone off.
Bear in mind my bias and I'll bow the head (okay, really I'll just lower my eyes) to the possible influx of 2x4 responses, so here goes. Also, the following exempts the extremes of abuse, mental illness, bad past experiences, etc. and the use of "you" throughout is rhetorical, not specific. Also, keep in mind that I am not advocating that it is maritally healthy or acceptable for a couple to not ML on a regular basis (and no that doesn't mean regularly once a year).
In my worst times, I find it incredibly *something* (don't know exactly what word to stick in here, except that it's not pleasant) - maybe the generic "troubling" would be the word, when I hear expressions of "I want them to want me the way I want them".
I wonder if you realize what you are asking.
Because much of your wanting is based on biochemical and hormonal influences that are just a physical part of you.
You didn't work for them. You didn't earn them. You didn't study them. You didn't train them. You can't easily influence them. (Dust of Rhino horn doesn't *really* work.)
The wanting is tuned (and rightly so) toward your spouse, BUT that *drive* would be there even if your spouse wasn't.
I understand that sexual *desire* can be piqued, it can be tuned, it can be enhanced, but sexual *drive* is whatever your hormones are dictating.
The way *you* desire is being impacted by your hormones. The *depth* of your desire is being impacted by your hormones. The *frequency* of your desire is being impacted by your hormones. The *expression* of your desire is being impacted by your hormones.
And you are expecting the reciprocal *feelings & expressions* from people who don't have the hormonal/chemical balance you do. It's like expecting the insulin-resistant diabetic to respond to sugar the way the non-diabetic does.
If someone is there to make love to you, with you, and they are there because they love you, they're there even if the sexual expression is coming from the heart/head rather than their hormones - why is that viewed as a lesser thing? Why is a conscious choice to make love something lesser than one that is strongly hormonally influenced?
I am not advocating that either side gets to say "tough noogies, that's just the way I am and you'll have to deal." My thoughts really only apply to those couples who are actively working together toward a solution. Those of you still dealing with a spouse who won't acknowledge the need are at a different place. But those of you who have climbed a few rungs on the ladder might want to reconsider what you are expecting.
If you have a spouse who is stepping up and trying to work out a satisfactory sex life with you, be careful that you don't elevate your chemically/hormonally driven expressions of sexual desire as the goal which your lower drive spouse should be attaining.
I *am* advocating that there be some concept of living with each other in an understanding way. Not just barely tolerating. That goes for high & low.
But that can only happen if both partners are talking. And listening. And willing. And adjusting.
