Quote: Just out of curiosity, in what part of your life do you NOT have to modify your behavior because of someone or something else?
Probably none. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that the HD partner feels that they don’t have control over their own SL. In fact, nobody does since it takes two to tango. But the problem with control lies in the perceived inequity.
From the HD perspective, it certainly seems like the LD partner can have sex any time they want. Initiate, ask, hint, cast a knowing look in our direction – we’re there. But the same is not true for the HD partner. The HD partner can have sex, not whenever they want it, but only under the conditions I outlined before. Sure, some of the control may be self-control, but by and large, the HD partner feels that sex is out of their control.
So the perception is that the LD has complete control over their SL. The LD can have sex any time they want – the HD is a sure thing. The LD doesn’t have to have sex any time they don’t want to – as I said, it takes two to tango. The HD sees their SL as being dependent upon the whim of the LD. As before, I know that this is over-simplifying, but let me run a couple of scenarios by you.
The HD is horny, makes a move, and is rejected. Who was in control? The LD got what they wanted (no sex), but the HD didn’t. It may not look the same from the LD side, but from the HD perspective the LD had complete control. The HD wanted to ML, but the LD had veto power and exercised that power. Is that not control?
The HD is horny, but realizes that you just ML two days ago. The LD has a history of not being receptive more than maybe once a week. The HD exercises self-control and doesn’t make a move. The LD knows nothing about this, but the HD sees this as the LD controlling the SL. It’s hard to put into words, but in this case it’s the low desire itself, not the LD person that’s controlled the sitch. I know it’s wrong, but in such a case it’s all to easy to blame the person – your LD is thwarting my SL.
Sure, a lot of it is perception. I’ll also stipulate that in many cases the HD is controlling their own SL to fit with what they perceive as the LD’s preferences. But when all is said and done, the HD feels that they have no control over their own SL. They perceive that the LD has complete control of theirs (the LD’s) and either through actual direct control in the form of rejection, or implied control through causing the HD to limit initiation, they have control of the HD’s SL as well.
I’m still not sure that really explains it very well, but that’s the best I can do right now.
And now, I think I’ll grab those gift cards and do some shopping. Have a great weekend.
