I think your H is partially right. The part that he doesn't get is that frequently, you have to make a conscious decision whether or not to ML to him. It's not just a matter of how horny you are or are not. It's a matter of how you feel emotionally about him as well. He doesn't understand the fundamental difference between wanting sex because you feel horny, and choosing to have sex because you love your partner and are feeling giving at the time. I think it's that dynamic of he wants and you give that makes it feel like a control issue. Since he has a hollow leg filled with testosterone, he always wants sex. Can he appreciate that you have to make a conscious choice most of the time? That you need to be in the right emotional frame or mind?
The notion of control is kind of an old cliche with sexual desire mismatch issues. But I hesitate to trot it out on my wife because I know she is not a controlling person.
Quote: Now you all can tell me why I'm wrong, and how it isn't the same.
Corri
I find it incredibly romantic that a person would choose to have sex with their spouse out of a sense of love and devotion, rather than from physiological need. But that's just me. It's too bad your H doesn't realize what a precious gift that is.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
our divorced neihbor friend was over a while ago and the topic got into BJs, techniques, etc. In the middle of the convo she said "whoa...this getting me worked up...I'm going to have to call my guy (friend-with-benefits) when I get home".
That's the kind of *thing* I would love to see in my W. I'd love to see her get turned on by a steamy love scene in a movie. Maybe we aren't looking to control your horniness, maybe we just want to see you have a little control of your own horniness. Hmmm..
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
You know, Solid, I find it terribly romantic and sweet in OTHER people's marriages too, just not mine! LOL
I can't bear the thought of him ML to me not because I am sexy and he desires me but because he feels he has to. I hate that, and yet at the same time I know it is inevitable. Corri's hubby probably struggles with this as well.
Corri, I hope you know that I do not intend to minimize your own struggles by empathizing with Mr. Corri. I simply can't relate to them, so I don't comment on them. But when I read your words, I know that it is NO easier on the other side. I can't imagine doing what you do for your husband. You are to be commended and you are a reminder to me to speak my H's LL more often.
Maybe that's why I can get away with "baby, I just want to lean you over the counter and f*ck your brains out" works. She's not going to be any less in the mood regardless of my approach. If she had a natural ability to become aroused by external stimuli - sweet talk etc. then she'd probably tell me what actually turns her on. I've asked her about 30 times last year "what turns you on?" and have yet to hear an answer.
man, I need to get off this site...it makes my anxiety skyrocket...our best months were when I wasn't posting here. talking this crap only fuels "negative predictions" and the preservation of the old marital system. wow. good thing I'm headed back to my C monday.
-dave (whose not immune to the mob mentality on this site)
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I have been helped immensely by this site and I have a years worth of posting to prove it. I can go back and read my earlier posts and see from a mile away that I was not the happy camper I thought I was, and that I was semi-proclaiming I was. I continue to progress, and so does my marriage.
If you find that your attitude tanks when visiting the site, then you are probably making the best choice to stay away. I hope the session on Monday goes well!
Quote: Corri, do you ever ML when you don't want to just because you love him and want to do something nice for him?
Yeah, I do it all the time. But like I said, if I were to bring that up, it would be incredibly hurtful to him. I understand what you are all saying.
Did anybody here understand what **I** was saying about being on the other side of the fence? This part:
Quote: Sometimes I want to scream at him because it is SO easy for him to tap into physical desire. It's a well with no bottom. I think to myself, "well shiit yeah, if I had a bottomless well of desire, you'd have to strap on five more peters to keep up with me, baby." He has absolutely no appreciation whatsoever of what I go through for him to find water for he has never, ever, ever, been without, and can't even imagine what it would be like to NOT have water.
I try to give him comparisons so he can understand, like, how he has no interest whatsoever in 'shopping,' or eating leftovers the next night (on a regular basis). He says that isn't even a practical comparison because sex is a physical need... I can shop with other people. I can eat other things. He can't have sex with someone else.
And I say to him... it isn't about me being able to do those things with other people. It is about the absence of interest. The absence of desire to shop or eat leftovers. You have no desire to do that, right? There is no physical or emotional urge present for you to do so. Because I can go shopping with someone else, because I can eat something other than leftovers, you will never know what it is like to not only have to make yourself WANT to do those things, but actually be the one to suggest doing them, and suggesting it with enthusiasm.
This does not occur to you because how can you miss what you have never had? And because I can share my desire to shop with others and eat leftovers without you, you will never know the struggle to overcome the absence of desire.
Can anybody here relate to that? What it's like to do something with your spouse, on a consistent basis, that you have no physical urge, want or need to do... and in fact, you are the one to bring it up, and do it with enthusiasm? At least three times a week?
I'm not being sarcastic or self-pitying here... really, can you share these stories with me, just to give me hope?
I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong or that it's not the same. (Notice how well I suck up when I need to? ) The problem with the "food" analogy is that everyone needs food pretty much the same. I think it relates better to Love Languages.
If your LL is Acts of Service, maybe it would be like him only doing household chores to help you when you ASKED for it. I'm guessing you'd respond better if he learned your LL and respected it by becoming HD in AOS.
If your LL is Words of Affirmation, maybe it would be like him only saying meaningful words to you when you TOLD him you needed to hear them. You'd probably prefer him to give thought about what he appreciates about you and WANT to say them to you, right?
If your LL is Receiving Gifts, you'd probably get tired of having to ask him for one, instead of him thinking about it on his own. The gifts might not mean as much to you if you had to ask for them, even if they were more expensive than some trinket that he thought of giving on his own.
In each case, perhaps you'd feel that your LL was controlled by him.(?)
At the risk of generalizing, it seems to me that HDs want their S to initiate and show enthusiasm toward sex because it adds to them feeling loved according to their LL. IMO, it seems to be as important as the frequency of sex.
Please don't read this as an excuse for his moneyshot in your mouth. That was disrespectful. Of course, I can't for the life of me understand why you wouldn't want that. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
Yeah, that helped a lot, thank you. I really, really understand it now. I just don't know what the heck to do about it.
It makes me very sad to think that he will, truly, never been physcially happy with me. Not because he doesn't love me, or I him, but because a four cylinder (okay, crank engine) cannot ever in a million years keep up with a V8. Not because it doesn't want to, it just isn't built that way. And unfortunately, you can't rebuild your body like you can an engine. I do what I can...
... sometimes, I think it would be more loving of me to let him go so he can find his V8 mate. At least then he'd have a shot, and neither one of us would have to live our lives feeling like we'll never measure up, or endlessly wondering what is wrong with us.
) The problem with the "food" analogy is that everyone needs food pretty much the same. I think it relates better to Love Languages.