H and I were talking last night... I brought up Honey's question to my H: who has priority in your heart, me or the kids? He still refuses to answer this question, but then he quipped: "It all depends on what time of day it is."
So since we were on R talk, the conversation steered towards, yet again, WHO controls the sex. Why this even has to be a control issue is beyond me, but he wants to see it this way.
ME: "How do I have control of our SL?"
HIM: "Because we only have sex when you want to."
ME: "So are you saying that you want me to have sex when I DON'T want to?"
HIM: "No, of course not."
ME: "So... if we both want to have sex, and we have sex, how is it that I am controlling our SL?"
HIM: "Because we only have sex when you want to."
HUH!?
ME: "Do you know how many times I've had sex when I didn't WANT to have sex?"
HIM: "What do you mean?"
ME: "I mean exactly that. There are plenty of times when you initiate sex and I don't want to have sex, but I do so because I love you. Yet to tell you that that is exactly what I have done would be rather harsh and cruel, wouldn't it? But... here you stand, accusing me of NOT doing the very thing that I AM doing, for you, because I love you. Yet what I hear you saying is that I don't do that enough. It sounds to me like what you are saying is that you want to have more say in when we have sex. Do you not understand that every time we have sex, you have a say in it? How could it be possible any other way? If that is the case, how can **I** be the one in control?"
We dropped the conversation before it became a fight.
Can somebody please explain this to me?
In my LD head, what I think he is saying here is that he just wants me to want to have sex more often. And if that is the case, who is it that is actually interested in control?
Somehow he thinks that I am not having sex ON PURPOSE, in order to control him, or punish him, or demean him, or to make him feel like shiit about himself. Why would I ever, ever do that to someone I love? How could he possibly fathom that I would do that?
Sometimes I want to scream at him because it is SO easy for him to tap into physical desire. It's a well with no bottom. I think to myself, "well shiit yeah, if I had a bottomless well of desire, you'd have to strap on five more peters to keep up with me, baby." He has absolutely no appreciation whatsoever of what I go through for him to find water for he has never, ever, ever, been without, and can't even imagine what it would be like to NOT have water.
I try to give him comparisons so he can understand, like, how he has no interest whatsoever in 'shopping,' or eating leftovers the next night (on a regular basis). He says that isn't even a practical comparison because sex is a physical need... I can shop with other people. I can eat other things. He can't have sex with someone else.
And I say to him... it isn't about me being able to do those things with other people. It is about the absence of interest. The absence of desire to shop or eat leftovers. You have no desire to do that, right? There is no physical or emotional urge present for you to do so. Because I can go shopping with someone else, because I can eat something other than leftovers, you will never know what it is like to not only have to make yourself WANT to do those things, but actually be the one to suggest doing them, and suggesting it with enthusiasm.
This does not occur to you because how can you miss what you have never had? And because I can share my desire to shop with others and eat leftovers without you, you will never know the struggle to overcome the absence of desire.
Now you all can tell me why I'm wrong, and how it isn't the same.
I think you handled yourself quite well, actually.
Let me ask you this:
If/when your husband states that he needs more sex than you two are currently having, how does that conversation go?
Perhaps, in his own special way , he is asking for an increase in the lovemaking. What he is doing wrong is assuming that you will say NO to this and so he ends up feeling resentful and pissy over an answer that he has not actually even heard. He feels controlled, simply because he is at your mercy on this one. He does not trust that you would agree to up the frequency if HE needs it and this ticks him off.
I'm not sure what to tell you as far as a solution, tho! I think you handled it quite well and I got some great insight with your post-conversation thoughts.
It may be that he doesn't understand the concept of bandwidth, and the caveats contained therein.
Think about it.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Holy sh!t....I'm married to your doppelganger. WE HAD ALMOST THE EXACT CONVO a few months ago.
Here's what he is saying....
"Corri, I want the ability to seduce you into a state of insatiable horniness without having to overtly ask you for it. I want to dress nice, take you to dinner and have you start groping me on the way home because you are excited about the idea of getting into the bed with me. I want to feel like a rockstar sometimes so I can have the power to choose. Hell women can have sex any time they want...they can just go to the bar and say yes...I want that power. It's not that I'm really horny for sex...I'm really horny to have some control over you. There's something wrong with my esteem that makes me feel like I need dominate."
Ok, I purposely brain-bumped every possibility here. You know him better than I do. My real point is this...it's not really your problem other than the fact that you have find a way to work with him on HIS problem. The convo made me fall out of my chair. I guess I'm more like him than I thought...damn (but I still wouldn't cum in places you asked me not to).
He's looking for the same thing I'm looking for...he wants to validate his manliness and studliness with his ability to make another woman's panties melt with desire. Is this a valid validation? Probably not but some of us guys feel that way to varying degrees. I bet most guys who go through this were not very promiscuous / sexy in HS and college but have now grown into a much better package (at least we think we have) with a bit of that maturity that only a bit of age and income can bring. (I'm half way talking out the side of my mouth with this...it's partially sarcastic).
I hope this helped. I'm glad you are here. You and my W have a heck of a lot in common but I'd worship her if she learned to introspect like you.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: He feels controlled, simply because he is at your mercy on this one.
Yep. That's it. It's just like the initiation/rejection thing HP has been talking about wherein she says that she's a sure thing. You (Corrie) can have sex any time you want it. As you said yourself, your H is a bottomless well of physical desire. He'll do it at the drop of a hat - even if he has to drop the hat himself.
The converse is not true. Even if you have NEVER rejected him, your H is not so dense as to know that you don't have the same level of desire that he does. Thus, he moderates his requests, initiation, or what have you to try to accommodate YOUR desire level. So your relatively lower level of desire IS controlling, or at least affecting your (his) SL. The LD partner can have sex any time they want it. The HD partner can’t. They are restrained by the desire level of the LD partner. That restraint may come from the HD partner, but it is still restraint and it is still precipitated by the lower desire level. So while it may be technically incorrect to say that the LD partner controls the sex, the LD partner’s drive does.
I don't intend for that to sound mean and I hope you can see what I'm trying to say. I’m just speaking from my own experience. Without rehashing any of my own personal issues here, I know that I modify my preferred frequency based upon my understanding of my W’s lower desire. It’s no different than modifying your behavior when your spouse is sick – and no, I’m not saying that LD is a sickness. If you’re feeling horny but your spouse is in bed with the flu, you try not to think about it, you mb, …, you do something – but you don’t have sex. Even though YOU are the one modifying your behavior, it’s the status of the spouse that’s behind the modification.
LD is much the same. Your H knows that you don’t desire sex as often as he does, so he reduces the amount of requests. It’s an over-simplification, but it’s pretty straightforward: 1. you can have sex any time you want, and 2. he can have sex when you’re in the mood, when you’re not in the mood but you’re willing, or when he feels that asking you wouldn’t be seen as undue pressure. So making it even simpler, you can have sex any time you want to (I’m a sure thing), I can’t (you’re not a sure thing), so you’re the one in control here.
Corri, do you ever ML when you don't want to just because you love him and want to do something nice for him?
Isn't this what the NOP's talk about-- you both have to show up BECAUSE YOU LOVE EACH OTHER, even if the LD person doesn't really feel like it right then, and even if the HD person wants to, but is so tired of initiating all the time that they would rather MB? You both show up for each other because you love each other.
Do you do that? (Not being cheeky... I can't remember if you've you said you do this or not...)
Dave, Why does it have to be that complicated? What can't he just be saying that he wants more sex? What is wrong with him saying that? (other than the way he is going about it, which is retarded)
I'm not following why him saying that he needs more sex is really a sneaky way of him getting his manliness validated.
