H and I were talking last night... I brought up Honey's question to my H: who has priority in your heart, me or the kids? He still refuses to answer this question, but then he quipped: "It all depends on what time of day it is."
So since we were on R talk, the conversation steered towards, yet again, WHO controls the sex. Why this even has to be a control issue is beyond me, but he wants to see it this way.
ME: "How do I have control of our SL?"
HIM: "Because we only have sex when you want to."
ME: "So are you saying that you want me to have sex when I DON'T want to?"
HIM: "No, of course not."
ME: "So... if we both want to have sex, and we have sex, how is it that I am controlling our SL?"
HIM: "Because we only have sex when you want to."
HUH!?
ME: "Do you know how many times I've had sex when I didn't WANT to have sex?"
HIM: "What do you mean?"
ME: "I mean exactly that. There are plenty of times when you initiate sex and I don't want to have sex, but I do so because I love you. Yet to tell you that that is exactly what I have done would be rather harsh and cruel, wouldn't it? But... here you stand, accusing me of NOT doing the very thing that I AM doing, for you, because I love you. Yet what I hear you saying is that I don't do that enough. It sounds to me like what you are saying is that you want to have more say in when we have sex. Do you not understand that every time we have sex, you have a say in it? How could it be possible any other way? If that is the case, how can **I** be the one in control?"
We dropped the conversation before it became a fight.
Can somebody please explain this to me?
In my LD head, what I think he is saying here is that he just wants me to want to have sex more often. And if that is the case, who is it that is actually interested in control?
Somehow he thinks that I am not having sex ON PURPOSE, in order to control him, or punish him, or demean him, or to make him feel like shiit about himself. Why would I ever, ever do that to someone I love? How could he possibly fathom that I would do that?
Sometimes I want to scream at him because it is SO easy for him to tap into physical desire. It's a well with no bottom. I think to myself, "well shiit yeah, if I had a bottomless well of desire, you'd have to strap on five more peters to keep up with me, baby." He has absolutely no appreciation whatsoever of what I go through for him to find water for he has never, ever, ever, been without, and can't even imagine what it would be like to NOT have water.
I try to give him comparisons so he can understand, like, how he has no interest whatsoever in 'shopping,' or eating leftovers the next night (on a regular basis). He says that isn't even a practical comparison because sex is a physical need... I can shop with other people. I can eat other things. He can't have sex with someone else.
And I say to him... it isn't about me being able to do those things with other people. It is about the absence of interest. The absence of desire to shop or eat leftovers. You have no desire to do that, right? There is no physical or emotional urge present for you to do so. Because I can go shopping with someone else, because I can eat something other than leftovers, you will never know what it is like to not only have to make yourself WANT to do those things, but actually be the one to suggest doing them, and suggesting it with enthusiasm.
This does not occur to you because how can you miss what you have never had? And because I can share my desire to shop with others and eat leftovers without you, you will never know the struggle to overcome the absence of desire.
Now you all can tell me why I'm wrong, and how it isn't the same.
