One for the ALL the gals

[SolidMechanic]

Dear Justlvn,

You wrote,

What I have noticed with you though is it seems like when you communicate with your H, sometimes he says things and you don't hear him. You get offended by what he just said and you just don't hear what he is saying because he didn't frame it the way you would like.

but I have Corri's back on this one.

Here is a sampling of things that Corri's H has "communicated" to her lately (please forgive me, Corri, if I have misquoted you):

1) "How about a BJ?"
2) "Our sex life sucks."
3) "You control our sex life."
4) Unwanted shot of semen in the mouth.
5) "Oops. I guess I won't be getting any more BJs."

Taken together, there is a lot of communication going on. He is certainly unhappy with their sex life. He also is lacking in respect. He also doesn't have much regard for her feelings. If he had been a little more sensitive, he could have "communicated" the first idea without "communicating" the other two ideas.

I'd particularly like to examine Statement #2, "Our sex life sucks." How did he say that? Did he say it as an accusation, or an admission? If it's an admission, he could be saying that he would like to change things and he wants to take his share of responsibility. If it's an accusation, well, then he is saying that it's all Corri's fault.

Spouses lash out all the time out of anger, hurt feelings, or defensiveness. Some things that are said are true and important; other things that are said are just calibrated to hurt. To be a good listener, we have to separate the true message from the angry parts. It's a dirty job and none of us like to do it. Corri, with her calm analytical nature, has managed it pretty well IMHO.

Corri,

Maybe you should put your H on BJ probation. Put a condom on him before you do the deed. It will be a good lesson in the value of trust.

And I am forever in your debt for starting this thread. I was under the mistaken impression that BJs had been outlawed by Ronald Reagan because I haven't had one since the early '80s. Now I know the truth. I can't wait to tell my wife.

Regards,

SM