Quote: Your H comes out the other day and tells you, "our sex life sucks", "you control our sex life".
For some reason though, you don't hear him. You may not feel you control your SL, but your H obviously feels you do. Do you ever ask yourself why he feels that way?
LD's ALWAYS control the marriage because they control the SEX! This is a REAL sore spot with the HD. How do you ever get out of this rut? Beats me.
Quote: I think your H has been telling you he wants some spontaneity, want to sometimes be able to make a request that seems a little over the top and have it be fullfilled. Kind of a fantasy come true. I'd even venture that he'd probably get pretty turned on by you making some over the top request of him
If the HD and LD can BOTH master this, your well on your way to a PM!
Quote: ---------- I think your H has been telling you he wants some spontaneity, want to sometimes be able to make a request that seems a little over the top and have it be fullfilled. Kind of a fantasy come true. I'd even venture that he'd probably get pretty turned on by you making some over the top request of him. ----------
I won't argue that IF Corri's husband is 'just' wanting some fantasy loving, or makes a simple request of her for a certain sexual act, that it is an unreasonable request.
I do take strong issue with his attitude of entitlement. I also believe that this was the key issue in Corri's response to her husband.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
geez I wish I was that smart...I was trying really hard to say something similar but all got from Corri was "don't go there..." on the partial blame thing.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: ----- I do take strong issue with his attitude of entitlement. I also believe that this was the key issue in Corri's response to her husband. -----
I'd have to disagree with you here Nop. Only Corri could really say what her key issue was with her response. She spoke of how "volcano" angry it had made her. You were the one who brought up entitlement.
I just didn't see it that way. I saw it as all about control. Now I am NOT saying that what he did was right, in fact it was disrespectful, but he did control that moment.
Still though, I do think it really is about communication and we have to "hear" what the other person is saying.
Corri,
Thanks for reading that and letting it stir up your brain cells... I too, really laughed at the "cup of Corri" comment. The fact that you can read that, take it at face value and have it give you something to think about, shows what a special gal you are.
Besides, who knows why one particularly bold woman attempted to hit on your friend rather than you.
I think because my friend was wearing $5K Rolex. ;-)
But you brought up a great point. I'm actually attracted to the idea of women who have "object oriented arousal". It's probably because they have some degree of natural arousal or primitive quality to it. not sure.
Ya know...I wonder if having a vasectomy a couple weeks ago has anything to do with my behavior...I'll think about that one for a bit.
Dave (whose moneyshot is low-calorie now...sorry I couldn't resist)
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Just for the record, I'll recap my own thoughts in regard to this situation.
1) I got volcano angry because we had, not FIVE minutes before, talked about him shooting off in my mouth, and I told him I'd rather not. That behavior, coupled with other rude encounters the week prior, pissed me off.
HOWEVER, my being pissed off is MY problem, not my Hs. I had to get over the anger part and figure out why I shot from 0 to volcano pissed, AND what I was going to do about it. What was behind my H's obvious disregard was bugging me, too. I got over being angry. What I did not get over was being treated so disrespectfully. I had two issues. Making sure H understood why I felt his treatment was disrespectful, and bringing his attention to the fact that he was just as responsible for the health and well being of the R as I am. Ignoring the problem, or hoping it would just solve itself probably isn't in our best interest. He agreed with me. He understood my points, too. But I do believe it was because I wasn't interested in persecuting him over it, I just wanted to get back on track, that we had such a productive conversation. He wants a good R just as much as I do, and I always need to remember that.
2) My accepting my H's "this relationship sucks" and "you control the sex," as an attempt to communicate in a constructive way is on par with Dave accepting his wife's lame lines to initiate sex. It may be an attempt, but it is a piss poor attempt, and yes, I'm going to call him on it.
3) When my H does make such piss poor attempts at communication, I need to address the issue immediately, WITHOUT taking it personally, instead of letting it build up over time and letting it get out of hand. Does he have to communicate the way I prefer? No. Can I help draw him out or rephrase, or clarify? Absolutely. If I don't do these things, then I am just as guilty as he is if the relationship gets off track.
4) Just for the record, since NOP has been following me since day 1, he knows of my H feeling he is 'entitled' to sex, and that it has been an issue between us. H has gotten much better about the entitlement issue, but when we hit our road bumps, his 'entitlement' attitude comes out full force. I think to this is what NOP was referring.
5) I prefer to be right in all things so I can feel saintly, justified, regal, royal and without flaw. My Center of the Universe Chair is a thrown like no other. It is, however, a chair that seats only one. I had to give up the thrown for my prince, though please don't hold it against me for missing my chair sometimes. It was a very cool chair.
Quote: What I have noticed with you though is it seems like when you communicate with your H, sometimes he says things and you don't hear him. You get offended by what he just said and you just don't hear what he is saying because he didn't frame it the way you would like.
but I have Corri's back on this one.
Here is a sampling of things that Corri's H has "communicated" to her lately (please forgive me, Corri, if I have misquoted you):
1) "How about a BJ?" 2) "Our sex life sucks." 3) "You control our sex life." 4) Unwanted shot of semen in the mouth. 5) "Oops. I guess I won't be getting any more BJs."
Taken together, there is a lot of communication going on. He is certainly unhappy with their sex life. He also is lacking in respect. He also doesn't have much regard for her feelings. If he had been a little more sensitive, he could have "communicated" the first idea without "communicating" the other two ideas.
I'd particularly like to examine Statement #2, "Our sex life sucks." How did he say that? Did he say it as an accusation, or an admission? If it's an admission, he could be saying that he would like to change things and he wants to take his share of responsibility. If it's an accusation, well, then he is saying that it's all Corri's fault.
Spouses lash out all the time out of anger, hurt feelings, or defensiveness. Some things that are said are true and important; other things that are said are just calibrated to hurt. To be a good listener, we have to separate the true message from the angry parts. It's a dirty job and none of us like to do it. Corri, with her calm analytical nature, has managed it pretty well IMHO.
Corri,
Maybe you should put your H on BJ probation. Put a condom on him before you do the deed. It will be a good lesson in the value of trust.
And I am forever in your debt for starting this thread. I was under the mistaken impression that BJs had been outlawed by Ronald Reagan because I haven't had one since the early '80s. Now I know the truth. I can't wait to tell my wife.
Regards,
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I prefer to be right in all things so I can feel saintly, justified, regal, royal and without flaw. My Center of the Universe Chair is a thrown like no other. It is, however, a chair that seats only one. I had to give up the thrown for my prince, though please don't hold it against me for missing my chair sometimes. It was a very cool chair.
Hail Corri
Hey, on point #1...I didn't quite get that you had just expressed a preference. I thought he was just drunk and being stupid. Wow...what a prick. You are painting a picture of him now that makes me not want to empathize with.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Sorry to hear about your "Chairloss", but you can have this poem. I wrote it after reading about your amazement at how calm you were while being pissed at your H at the same time. I hope everyone can relate to it.
The Garden Within
I timidly began a journey to search for my soul In it I traveled through the years looking each place Investigating every dark crevice for signs Inquired to wise souls whom I thought could help Inward, not out, was where worn trails led Incubation of thoughts, desires, beliefs, myself Incessant weeding of youth’s naive clutter Inch by inch a richly planted garden was revealed Instantly I knew it was the seeds from my own pockets
