One for the ALL the gals

[NotATLDave]

I'm going out on a limb here with this response but I have a bit of theory. I'm not going to speak to your sitch but rather talk about mine with the hope that it provides some insight.

While we should (theoretically) be able to self-validate, I have found that my efforts to do so are frequently undermined by the responses of others. I went out bar hopping in San Francisco last week with two other married men and one of the guys seemed to have a better "magnetism" with women than I did. I've always thought of myself as good looking, funny, cool, etc. but this made me think that my self-image is flawed...I might be delusional (like Will Farrell and Chris Katan's SNL sketch Night at the Roxbury). So in my own imaginary world, I do much better than I do in real life...it makes you think about things.

But wait a sec Dave!!! You shouldn't even be trying...your freaking married!!!

Yes, I am married but it's been a lonely one. At home I don't feel any more magnetic than I did in public. So WTF is wrong with me. Why *should* I like myself...better yet, what qualities are attracting women to my coworkers and not me? So, after being invited by some local women to go to a Salsa club, I tried an experiment...I took the ring off and tried to see if that was the deterrent. (yes folks...I know what you are thinking here - I suck). The only thing that happened was that one of the women I was with noticed my de-accessorization and started giving me [censored] for not valuing my marriage etc. I explained to her that I was trying to experience the evening as a single person but that I wouldn't be "closing the deal" with anyone. She went into a long tirade about how much she has wanted to have a family so bad, and that being single sucks etc. She proceeded to paint a picture of what she perceived my life to be...that I was good dad and strong husband etc.

Ok...let's slow down a bit and let me try to make sense of this.

While I was definitely being a big turd for everything I was doing, I wasn't motivated by the problems in our sex life but rather by the fact that my self-image has always exceeded the percieved, telltale responses from others. The situation where my friend was overtly hit on triggered a crazy response in me..."why him and not me?" I truly don't want to go to bed with another woman. Getting an "offer" is the gold.

So here I am in various bars and clubs in SF feeling like I have something to prove to myself and it's not working and I'm getting progressively more "disturbed".

The irony of the situation is this. On one of the nights, I visited a friends bar and was invited by a group of locals to go bar hopping. The next night, I ended up being invited out to other clubs with a group of locals. I was with someone who had created a perception of me which, when broken, shook her severely (I think I made this woman trust men much less than she already did). Maybe I'm just not "pick-up" material but rather a good, fun guy who should focus on his strengths rather than his weaknesses. Maybe this other woman's perception of me (prior to catching me with my ring off) is the me I should try to be. (note: As I write this, I cringe because I'm clearly exhibiting a huge lack of connection with the "real me" as I try to figure out who it really is.)

So how the hell does this apply to Mr. Corri? Well, let me ask Corri something....what's a bigger violation of trust - removing a wedding ring, and going clubbing with women in another city OR a (possibly accidental) moneyshot in the mouth of your spouse when you are fairly certain that said spouse doesn't prefer it? Don't answer this.

Mr. Corri might some legacy junk going on that makes him do such a compulsive act. As he is growing into the "image" of a successful family guy, a small part of him might want to pretend to be a swinging pornstar. You, on the other hand might have some legacy junk too which made this act a much bigger deal. It hurt and his first response to it was juvenile, but that might just be *him* just as my compulsion to get phone numbers is *me*. Do I love my W? Of course. Do I love being married? Most of the time. Do I love myself? "Myself" is too much of a moving target to love.

I don't know if this helped anyone...it feels like I hijacked this thread with my own story and I'm sorry if I did. I just seemed to have a moment of empathy for mr. corri because anyone who has been in sketchy marriages a. has brought personal issues to the marriage b. has developed personal issues because of the marriage.

I'm defending what he did anymore than I would try to defend what I was doing...we both f'd up.